The Queen’s Queens (GNW 19/10/09: Strange But True)

The hunt is on for new guards at Buckingham Palace, Windsor Castle and Balmoral, particularly from applicants who are women, lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, black or minority ethnic. Just another sign that that hippie Charles is seizing power by stealth.

The new gay Royal Guardsmen will be known as the Queen’s Queens.

Because you need a diverse mix of races, genders and sexual orientations to properly protect an outdated oppressive white patriarchy.

The new gay officers will be particularly helpful at the new attraction, The Flouncing of the Guard.

It makes sense to employ gay people in the Royal Guard – after all, they’ll be guarding the Queen.

It’s a good idea for the Royal Guard to be politically correct – after all, they need to make up for Prince Phillip.

Former police chief John O’Connor said it was “just window dressing. These are terrible jobs that no-one wants. What could be more soul-destroying than to sit in a rusty old sentry box for hours?” And he LIKES the Queen.

Former police chief John O’Connor said the job is actually terrible, just sitting in a rusty old sentry box for hours. But that’s the only way to get access to the beefeaters’ glory hole.

It makes sense to employ gay men in the Royal Guard. After all, it totally sucks balls. / Apparently the job really sucks balls. So for gay men, it’s actually the perfect job.

After all, who’d be a better Royal Guardsman than a beefeater?

The only problem is if they take being a beefeater too literally.

After all, if you’re a disabled black Muslim lesbian who used to be a man, you should fit right in with the Windsors.

They need to appeal to all minorities for the Royal Guard, because disabled black Muslim lesbians who used to be men are the only people Harry won’t try to shag. / won’t crack on to.

They’ll be looking to employ all minorities under-represented in the Queen’s guard – in particular republicans, assassins and terrorists.

And when there are enough minority groups guarding the Queen, Charles will finally be able to make his move.

Apparently the royal family has previously had a bias towards Aryan men. Who knew?

You know who else could do with a bit of equal opportunity employment? The Royal Family.

But surely if they want to employ gays and transsexuals, there are more than enough in the royal family.

They’re also hoping to bolster the press corps with at least one heterosexual male.

Transgendered people would be perfect as Royal Guards. They can not only change the guard, but their entire gender. / biology.

There’s no way they’re going to find who they’re after. All the gay and transgendered toffs are already in Parliament. / have already got cushy jobs in Parliament.

But no matter how hard they try, there’ll still be some minorities that remain unrepresented in the royal guard. For instance, royalty.

The Metropolitan Police Force says they hope to employ plenty more guards from minority groups so that the Queen can safely feel superior.

They’re hoping to get some more black guards. Or anyone who can understand all that “gangsta” talk.

And, from now on, all the princes and princesses have to be black. / any new Windsors have to be black. / any new members of the Royal family will have to be gay, Muslim, and black.

So now, when they troop those colours, they’ll have to troop the entire rainbow.

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