Sweet Criminals (GNW 19/10/09: Up-cut)

British research suggests that children who eat too many lollies grow up to be violent adults. The good news is that rather than lengthy prison sentences, the best deterrent to reoffending is two bucks of mixed at the milk bar.

British research suggests that children who eat too many lollies grow up to be violent adults. They have to commit crimes just to support their sweet-tooth. / their sugar-habit.

British research suggests that children who eat too many lollies grow up to be violent adults. Smashing shit up is the only way they can get that sugar-rush out of their system.

There you go, the Milky Bar kid was working for the bad guys.

69 percent of people arrested for violent crimes by age 34 had eaten lollies and chocolates daily at age 10. That’s a hell of a long-lasting sugar high.

But these days, with smacking virtually outlawed, a handful of jellybeans down the throat is the only way to control a psycho kid.

Rewarding your kid with treats seems to correlate to violence in adults. So psychiatrists suggest you beat them instead. Beat that violence right out.

Rewarding your kid with treats seems to correlate to violence in adults. As does smacking them, and just letting them run wild. Let’s face it – humans are just a bunch of angry monkeys, and there’s nothing we can do about it.

The theory is, parents who use lollies as bribes actually retard their children’s ability to defer gratification, resulting in adults with compulsive behaviour. Instead of using lollies, psychologists recommend giving your children a good clip over the ears. / a good sound beating. / a taste of yer belt.

Kids – can’t treat ’em, can’t beat ’em.

And apparently the correlation with violence in adulthood was even greater for kids who had been regularly rewarded with sexual favours.

69 percent of people arrested for violent crimes by age 34 had eaten lollies and chocolates daily at age 10. You’ve especially got to watch out for the ones obsessed with chocolate bullets. / the ones who have an ammo belt for their chocolate bullets.

69 percent of people arrested for violent crimes by age 34 had eaten lollies and chocolates daily at age 10. And a similar number had once used some sort of play-equipment. / had had baths every day. / had a near-daily intake of school.

69 percent of people arrested for violent crimes by age 34 had eaten lollies and chocolates daily at age 10. But even more damning, 100% of them had gone to school nearly every day. Shocking statistics – and so very sad.

From now on, children should be bribed with asparagus. / brussels sprouts.

But it’s alright, they’re only shooting chocolate bullets. / chocolate bullets hardly even bruise.

The link is particularly strong with parents who use lollies to reward their children for good rugby league play. / for winning the kiddy-boxing. / for murder.

And sherbert users nearly all moved on to cocaine.

And if as a kid they were regular ingesters of Wizz Fizz, well, let’s just say as adults they’ve sure got a lot of energy.

Not only were lollies a major influence, but also access to weaponry and pantyhose.

Another dead giveaway – they’re the ones who would always be the robbers in ‘cops and robbers’.

Although, granted, many of them tried robbing banks by storming in, pointing their fingers at the cashier and shouting ‘bang bang, you’re dead, 50 bullets in your head’.

It’s not surprising that lolly-addicts turn to crime. Dentures ain’t free.

And believe me, after a childhood full of lollies and chocolate, some crims can give you a very nasty gumming.

The research proves conclusively that violent behaviour in children is the number one cause of lollies.

Who can take a clenched fist
Sprinkle it in brass
Thump it in your stomach
And knock you on your arse?
The candyman…

69 percent of people arrested for violent crimes by age 34 had eaten lollies and chocolates daily at age 10, while among non-violent adults the percentage was 42 percent. And most of them are just waiting for the right person to bash.

Leave a Reply