Nooh Pew (GNW 19/10/09: 3 1/2 Corners)

There’s a new Winnie the Pooh book! “Return to the Hundred Acre Wood” contains all your favourite characters! Except that Milne one. / Except the one that made them all up.

Isn’t it funny
How a book makes money?
Cash cash cash
I wonder where it’s stashed?

Isn’t it funny
How a book makes money?
Ching ching ching
Just watch the cash roll in!

The last Pooh was in 1928. A A Milne really needs more fibre.

It’s the first sequel to be authorised by trustees of the Milne estate. They’ve so far declined the gangsta rap-themed “TWA: Tiggers With Attitude”, the slasher film “I Know What Pooh Did Last Summer”, and the Bond tie-in “For Eeyore Eyes Only”.

OK, Christopher, it’s probably time you realised: your teddy can’t actually talk.

There’s a new character: Lottie, the bossy, cricket-playing otter with a pearl necklace. Because I’m sure most of us reading “House on Pooh Corner” have thought “Hm, it’s cute – but where’s the bossy, cricket-playing otter with the pearl necklace?”

It’s one of the best things about fictional characters – they’re as immortal as the publishing company wants.

Of course, a new Pooh will have some modern aspects. Eeyore is now an emo, Pooh has had lap-band surgery, Tigger is in rehab, and the Heffalump only communicates with them by twitter. / is a hallucination caused by too much crystal meth.

The stories have been updated a little for a modern audience. In the new story, Pooh just can’t find his honey anywhere, and discovers it has been stolen by al Qaida, who are not only trading it with India and Iran for weapons of mass destruction, but have just released video footage on YouTube of them beheading Piglet and Rabbit.

He’s still a bear of very little brain. But in the new book, he becomes President for nearly a decade.

Christopher Robin is now a cantankerous lecher!

Of course, by now, Christopher Robin is in his late nineties, and he thinks his toys are talking again…

Christopher Robin’s now 88. Which explains why he’s back to talking to his teddies.

Of course the Pooh franchise has been completely exploited in the last 80 years. But no-one had thought of writing a BOOK!

It’s been 81 years since the last exactly in the style of the old A.A. Milne books. Except the house at Pooh corner is now a ten-story apartment block.

The book has a new character, Lottie, the cricket-playing otter. Pooh traditionalists are horrified – not that there’s a new character, but that it’s a female.

Tigger and Pooh are a bit unsure of the new character. A woman playing cricket? It’s just not cricket!

Although be warned, if you go to “the new adventures of pooh dot com”, you’ll be in for a nasty shock.

We’ve already had modern sequels to “Gone With the Wind”, “Treasure Island” and “The Jungle Book”. Next on the list, a sequel to “Charlotte’s Web”: “Charlotte’s Zombie”! (It’s the most adorable story ever about a zombie spider.)

I can’t wait till they make the sequel to Apocalypse Now: Apocalypse New! Kurtz is back – and he’s crazier than ever!

At least when George Lucas dies, his Star Wars series should be able to live on, Vader-like.

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