Holden Cop Car (GNW 19/10/09: What’s The Story?)

Holden have converted their old Statesman design into a purpose-built police car for the United States. You can easily spot them by their fluffy lights. / fuzzy lights.

Not only are American cops going to be driving Holdens, but they’ll be trained in the correct way to perform burnouts and doughies.

The car will be perfect for when they need to drive Macka to the footy. / chip shop. / bottle-o.

Of course, it can be hard for the American police force to properly understand the idiosyncrasies of the Aussie vehicle. They just look at you blankly when ya tell em to ease off the okey doke when they change pigs’ ears.

Unfortunately, the vehicles all drive on the left hand side of the road, and there’s a Cold Chisel best-of stuck in the tape deck.

It’s the perfect car if they need to chase a criminal, pull over a speeding car, or just cart a few slabs back to Trevor’s place for the footy comp.

Holden have converted their old Statesman design into a purpose-built police car for the United States. Unfortunately, Johnno and Spaz refuse to get out, so they’re going to have to be part of the package.

Might get them a big market in the States, but there’s likely to be a backlash locally. If there’s one thing we hate more than a cop car, it’s a cop car full of Americans. / If there’s one thing we hate more than Americans, it’s American cops.

It’s easy – just turn the beer holder into a coffee holder and you’re done!

All they had to do is give the cars a paintjob, whack on some police lights, and hose the bong-water off the back seat. / and take off the “if this car is rockin” sticker.

Holden’s executive director of sales and marketing said “It’s our ticket to the dance. Now we need to go out and really impress the judges.” Now that’s the sort of talk that gets engines revving!

It should be an easy sale. You know how American cops love donuts. / All they have to do is tell the American cops it’s the perfect car for doing donuts.

They’re also fitting up some vehicles for undercover work, though given that the Holdens will only be used for police work, the only disguise is as cashed-up bogan tourists. But the cops are enjoying boning up on their Os-sy accents.

The American cops are delighted with the new Holdens. Now finally Sheila will stop giving them the cold shoulder. / finally they can invite Shazza to the end-of-year barn dance.

The long wheelbase Holden Statesman/Caprice has plenty of room in the back for apprehended criminals, or for slipping it to Shazza the sharpie. / or just for bangin’ the missus.

They’re also fitting up some vehicles for undercover work. So look out crims – your new bogan friends Macca and Spaz may not be who they appear.

All over the Bronx, there’ll be a new chant: “You’re going home in the back of a divvy van…”

Unfortunately it may well result in a crime spree from homesick expats.

The American cops are loving the Holdens, although they really wish Daz and Johnno would stop farting in the back seat. / would stop being such backseat drivers. / would stop smoking bongs in the back seat while they’re on duty. / would let them turn off the Acca Dacca.

The old chant “Football, meat pies, kangaroos and Holden cars” will be rebadged as “Beatings, donuts, big fat pigs and divvy vans”.

It was either try out the Holdens, or go back to using Minis. / unicycles.

Ford lovers are currently suffering in their jocks.

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