Wailing whalers (GNW 19/10/09: monologue)

Japan’s new left wing government has already begun overhauling the country’s whaling policies – by asking for Australia to help prevent the violent attacks. On the WHALERS!

The Japanese government argues that, as there really aren’t that many countries left that practice whaling, they’re actually an endangered species. / they’re actually an endangered species and should be left alone to breed.

Thank goodness someone is willing to stand up on principal for an endangered species like whalers.

But Australia says they can’t prevent conservation groups attacking whalers. They say they’re only doing it for research purposes.

But Australia says they won’t prevent conservation groups attacking whalers. After all, there’s not much that a conservationist can attack. (And we’ve all got to attack SOMETHING.)

And you think killing whales is cruel, you should see how they butcher their seaweed! BRUTAL. / And you think killing whales is cruel, you should see how they butcher their nori rolls! BRUTAL.

After 50 years of conservative party rule, the new left-wing government is far more compassionate. Especially towards brutal whale-slaughterers.

Never forget, whale mutilators are people too!

Groups like Sea Shepherd say of course they should be allowed to use violent methods against the whalers. It’s not as if they’re whales!

The whalers say violent attacks on them by conservation groups like Sea Shepherd are completely unfair. They’re such itty-bitty little targets. / They’re far too quick to accurately harpoon.

They don’t call them “wailers” for nothing.

They’re not just whalers, they’re whingers too.

The moratorium allows whales to be killed for “lethal research”. For instance they got some excellent results from their recent research into the effectiveness of harpoons.

Although, really, if Hindu activists were attacking Australian abattoirs to stop our slaughter of cows, I can imagine our government being pretty pissed off too. And after all, what are whales but giant cows that live in the ocean?

I can understand the Japanese being upset about it all. I mean, without a nice bit of juicy whalemeat now and then, all they’ve got is raw fish and seaweed. / raw fish, seaweed and that green stuff that tastes like Agent Orange.

But in a lot of ways, whale-hunting is a lot more humane than the way we raise our food-animals. At least whales are free-range.

Whales spend their entire life doing whatever they want, in the limitless freedom of the ocean, before being unexpectedly hunted and killed. Our pigs and cows spend their entire lives chained up in cold concrete cells, knee deep in their own shit, eating artificial processed grain mixed with dead animals. And who is calling who inhumane? / I’m just not sure why we think we have the moral high ground here. / Um, who has the moral high ground here?

Instead of hunting whales in the ocean, the Japanese should be breeding whales in concrete sheds, where they’re chained up in cramped cells for their entire lives, knee-deep in their own shit, until they are shot in the head with a bolt gun. (That’s the way WE treat OUR food-animals… / Do those uppity Japs think they’re better than we are?)

Kill one whale, and you have more meat than 20 cows. And more blubber than 100 cows. And more baleen than any number of cows you can imagine. / than all the cows in history.

With both sides of Japanese politics confirmed to be in favour of whaling, there’s only going to be one way we’re going to stop it. Give the whales the bomb.

Given the unwillingness of anyone to stop Sea Shepherd, the Japanese government is now developing the Sea Wolf.

The Japanese government claims that the very fact the organisation is called “Sea Shepherd” means even the protesters realise that whales are really just the lamb of the oceans.

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