Ads for the ABC (The Glass House 29/3/06)

With the subject of ABC advertising being raised yet again (remember to sign the petition to increase federal funding to help prevent this becoming neccessary), we were asked to submit a few of the sort of ads the ABC might show. They ended up going with the “Kim Beazley Appeal Appeal” but here are the Holt & Blackwell suggestions…

(ABC logo – “Now with ads!”)
Would you like to advertise on the ABC?
(Wil watching The Glass House)
ABC-TV is watched by several people, occasionally at the same time!
(Wil turns around, thumbs up)
Don’t miss out on the lucrative lefty pinko arts wanker market!
(Picture of Bob Brown)
Advertising on the ABC is the only way to guarantee that your ad is uninterrupted by ads.
(Picture of Eddie McGuire)
And with voice talent ranging from Dave Hughes…
(Picture of Dave Hughes with silly hat on)
…to that woman who does the ratings advice…
(Picture of ratings advice)
…your product will possibly even be pronounced correctly!
(Two hands shake)
Advertise with the ABC and you too could get a share of 8 cents a day.
(One hand drops a five cent piece into the other)

O’Donalds introduces its new ABC Viewer Tastes Menu. Flavours to appeal to the more discerning palette.
(Pictures of burgers with the various people’s heads on them.)
Like a Fillet’O’Brien, with freshly grilled politician. Or the new McFeast, a reheated half-baked chat show host – now with half the laughs! Or try the Auntyburger Deluxe; Four All-beef Corners, Specials, Sports, Lateline, Play School, Australian Story on a Sesame Street bun!

(Pictures of Baroque era crowds and musicians)
Is your head still ringing from last night’s symphony orchestra? Been headbanging to Hayden, or bouncing round the Mozart Mosh-Pit? Or perhaps you just had a heavy night on the Terpsichore? For the morning after the cultural evening before, you need Baroquea.
(Wil in a wig, or maybe just a hand In a ruffled sleeve pops a Berocca (or home-brand substitute) into a glass… it fizzes)
(sung) B-B-B-B-B-Baroquea gives you back your B.B. Bach!

You can get it watching ballet,
(Wine being raised)
You can get it sipping chardonnay,
(Carravaggio picture)
You can get it seeing an exhibition of the early works of Caravaggiow,
(A can of ABC Bitter)
Matter of fact I’ve got it now.

You can get it binging, you can get it whinging
(Kerry O’Brien)
You can get it questioning the policies of John Howard.
(A can of ABC Bitter)
Matter a fact I’ve got it now-ard.

(Kerry O’Brien)
Too much truth?
(Bert Newton)
Not enough excitement?
(Michael Veitch or Brokeback Mountain)
Sick of arts and culture?
(Unwilling interviewee pushes hand in front of camera / chase interview)
Need more beat-ups, lowbrows and hype? Then you need –
(Eddie McGuire)
Channel Nine! And if you like this ad, there’s plenty more on Channel Nine!
(Nine logo)
Still the One – or at least, one of the top two.

(Pictures of art zooming in and out – captions pop up over the top)
(over-the-top Crazy Bargains voice) The Great Masters! Out they go! Never-to-be-repeated masterpieces at never-to-be-repeated prices!
(CAPTION: Picasso!)
(CAPTION: Rembrandt!)
(CAPTION: Caravaggio!)
They’re great!
(CAPTION: Great!)
They’re masters!
(CAPTION: Masters!)
They’re no frills, no punches pulled, one hundred percent DEAD!
We’re clearing out Klimpt! We’re slashing Cezanne! And Van Gogh has got to go!
(CAPTION: This century only!)
So come on down to Krazy Klassics Great Masters sale! You’d have to be poor to miss it!

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