Good Next Week (GNW 26/10/09: closing)

Tuesday, October 27
The inquiry into govt. economic stimuli will report tomorrow. And if they don’t like it, the government is thinking maybe they should throw some cash at them.

The inquiry into govt. economic stimuli will report tomorrow. And if it turns out the whole thing was a waste of money, well, too late now isn’t it.

In Sydney, the Duke Of Edinburgh Awards will be presented. And if Phil has a say in it, I’m guessing he might plump for those hilarious Jackson Jive chaps.

The Biotechnology Conference begins in Melbourne tomorrow, featuring a keynote speech from something that used to be a warthog.

The N.A.B. will release its full-year results on a little slip out of the ATM.

Wednesday, October 28
On Wednesday, the N.S.W. Export Awards will be presented, somewhere overseas.

On Wednesday, Brisbane will host the Japanese Film Festival. All the movies are pressed on blubber.

On Wednesday, Brisbane will host the Japanese Film Festival. It’s a thin film of seaweed.

Brisbane will host the Japanese Film Festival. Tokyo must have been booked out.

Brisbane will host the Japanese Film Festival on Wednesday, while Tokyo hosts their annual sheep dip convention. / hosts the symposium on sheep-dip and footy.

The nominations for the 2009 AFI Awards are expected to be dominated by “Samson & Delilah”, “Mary & Max”, “Charlie & Boots” and “Failures & Debt”.

On Wednesday Michael Jackson’s “This Is It” concert film will premiere in Sydney. Ooh, I wonder what happens in the end?

Wednesday sees the Sydney premiere of Michael Jackson’s concert film “This Is It”. Turns out, that’s it. / Turns out, it really IS it. / And that was it for Michael.

In Sydney, Michael Jackson’s “This Is It” concert film will premiere. Already a fake version of the film has been released, although it was thoughtfully titled “This Isn’t It”.

In Sydney, Michael Jackson’s “This Is It” concert film will premiere. It’s just like seeing Jacko in person, except without the annoying having to pay him part. / without the creepy zombie aspect.

On Wednesday, Crown Limited will hold its annual general meeting, where they’ll decide who gets to wear the crown next year.

In Canberra, the inquiry into anti-terrorism law reform will report, although any unwanted results will be disappeared.

In Canberra, the inquiry into anti-terrorism law reform’s report on Wednesday will go horribly wrong when it is arrested on no charge, held indefinitely without any legal support, then silently disappears. / then gets sent to Egypt for “rendering”.

Thursday, October 29
Thursday’s National Day of Turkey will be ruined when someone brings chicken.

Thursday’s National Day of Turkey can be stuffed with a duck stuffed with a chicken to create a whole National Week of Turducken.

The Sydney Sexpo will be opened by John Della-Bosca.

Thursday’s National Architecture Awards gets off to a great start when someone actually turns up. / actually turns out to be interested.

No-one will win Thursday’s National Architecture Awards. So it’s back to the old drawing board.

The National Architecture Awards will be exposed as a thin façade.

Friday, October 30
There will be controversy on Friday, when the official National Bandanna Day Big Band has their Big Band Bandanna banned.

Friday’s National Bandanna Day will be ruined when a typo results in patrons attempting to strap curved yellow fruits to their heads.

On Friday, Sydney will host the NSW Health Awards & Expo. Makes more sense than holding it in Hobart…

On Friday, Melbourne will host the International Digital Entertainment Expo. Discover new ways of entertaining yourself with one digit!

On Friday, Melbourne will host the 10th annual Rural Medicine conference. Apparently, they can use the same kinds of medicine the folks in the Big Smoke use! Well now I’ve heard everything.

On Friday, Melbourne will host the 10th annual Rural Medicine conference. Should be rurally good.

Saturday, October 31
Saturday is Halloween! The night of nights for the creepiest, most horrifying, most ghoulish creatures under the sun – American children!

In Glen Innes, it’s the Land of the Beardies festival, celebrating the town’s heritage & history with an array of music performed by numerous bands of hirsute men. Musicians without beards will start a rival festival: Shorn and Unwanted. / will be shunned or locked up.

In our national capital, it’s “Stonefest ‘09”, commemorating the foundation of the University of Canberra. Don’t tell the witches, they’ll just use the stone to sacrifice something.

In our national capital, Saturday is “Stonefest”. Bah – in Canberra, EVERY day is Stonefest.

Saturday brings our nation’s capital “Stonefest ‘09”, commemorating the foundation of the University of Canberra by getting shitfaced on marijuana.

Sydney will host the World Dog Games on Saturday. Unfortunately, once you’re there you have to staaaay… staaaay… staaaay…. good boy!

Sydney will host the World Dog Games on Saturday. They’re the best games in the world, yes they are, yes they are, who’s a good little games then, you are, yes you are, what a good little gamesy-wamesy.

Sydney will host the World Dog Games. Good to see them throwing Belinda Neal a bone.

Saturday is the Perth Pride Parade. Just a tip for the guys, you don’t have to be standing proud.

Saturday is Perth’s ‘Pride Parade’, W.A.’s version of Mardi Gras. It’s like Mardi Gras, but everyone’s dressed sensibly, walking down the road without making a big fuss, and still in the closet.

Sunday, November 01
In Mexico, Sunday is the Day Of The Dead. Never a big turnout.

In Mexico, it’s the Day Of The Dead. Like they’re going to care. / appreciate it.

Sunday is Mexico’s Day Of The Dead. I guess they ran out of living things to hand out days to.

In Sydney on Sunday, it’s the Cruelty Free Living Festival. Awesome – free cruelty!

Sunday’s ‘Cruelty Free Living Festival’ in Sydney will get off to a bad start when it’s double booked with the Dancing Bear Cockfight Championships. / with the Dancing Bears on Fire Festival.

On Sunday, it’ll be 30 years since China introduced the one-child policy. It’s working so well, they’re introducing a no-child policy – in Tibet.

It’ll be 30 years since China introduced the one-child policy, and yet I’m sure at the Olympics there were heaps of children. Go figure.

Monday, November 02
Perth will host the final of the Australian Singing Competition. It’s like Idol without ad breaks.

On Monday, Perth will host the final of the Australian Singing Competition. The perfect town to host such a grandly-titled event.

On Monday, Sydney will host the Prime Minister’s Literary Awards. The winner will be the guy who came up with “fair shake of the sauce bottle”.

Sydney will host the Prime Minister’s Literary Awards. Should be f-ing good.

On Monday, Malcolm Turnbull will be at the Australia-Israel Chamber of Commerce. He’ll go anywhere they’ll have him. / Hopefully he won’t be mistaken for a suicide bomber.

Monday’s Melbourne Cup Parade will end in tragedy when a pile up means that a dozen jockeys have to be destroyed.

The Melbourne Cup Parade will get off to a poor start when the only entrants are a bunch of Melbourne cups.

On Monday, the latest radio ratings will be released. If they can find any. / That’s right – ray-dee-oh. Ask your parents.

The latest radio ratings will be released, revealing that, unfortunately, Kyle and Jackie O still have listeners.

The Bureau of Statistics will release the housing prices index. Houses of bricks remain markedly dearer than those of sticks and straw.

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