Wil’s monologue madness (The Glass House 5/4/06)

DINGO CARTOON

An Indonesian cartoon has portrayed Alexander Downer and John Howard as a pair of rutting dingos. What an insult! They’re much more like buggering wombats.

The cartoon was much easier to stomach than the previous version. It was pretty much the same, except they weren’t dingos…

Howard couldn’t care less, saying he’s never offended by cartoons. And he actually quite likes rutting with dingos.

Of course, in real life, they weren’t dressed as dingos…

The cartoon has offended dingos everywhere.

The cartoon have caused huge riots, with the streets being filled with thousands of angry dingos.

John Howard responded, “I’d never rut a dingo. I prefer to rut the Australian people.”

NO GAY MARRIAGE

The PM has vowed to overturn plans for gay marriages in the ACT. He says marriage is between men and women only. “Or at least one of them has to wear a dress.”

The PM has vowed to overturn plans for homosexual civil unions in the ACT to have the same rights as heterosexual marriages. He says gay marriage is only acceptable if both partners are dingos.

GOOFBALL

Dermott Brereton says recreational drug use in the AFL is at its highest right now. Officials first became suspicious when Barry Hall was caught trying to snort the 50 metre line…

That explains all the hugging after the game…

No wonder players look so tired – they’ve just done four quarters in a single afternoon.

It’s affecting their game; some players are said to be totally wrecked after four quarters, and even more after a footy match.

It’s affecting their game; some players are said to be totally wrecked after three quarters. Or even a couple of grams of the really good stuff.

If they only have 30 minutes for each quarter, I’m surprised they get time to play football at all!

Gives a whole new meaning to “quarter time”…

Dermott Brereton says recreational drug use in the AFL is at its highest right now. Yeah, watch the big men fly!

Dermott Brereton says recreational drug use in the AFL is at its highest right now. Players can use footballs, speedballs and goofballs all at the same time.

BUSH ASSASSIN GAOLED

A man who tried to assisinate George Bush has been given a sentence of 30 years in jail. If he’d succeeded he would’ve gotten a parade.

NAKED BRITNEY OUTRAGE

A life-sized nude sculpture of Britney Spears giving birth has caused outrage. Pro-choice advocates are upset about the statue’s anti-abortion message, pro-life groups are upset about its graphic nature, and pro-Britney guys are upset about the baby’s head interfering with the view of her snatch.

TAX RATES

Big business has warned the Government that the top tax rate is so high that it encourages tax evasion. If only they dropped it down to 0%, tax evasion would completely disappear.

COLE

Commissioner Cole has called for Alexander Downer and Mark Vaille to appear before him. Apparently this was just after he called for his pipe and he called for his bowl. He also believes that kickbacks may have been paid by three fiddlers…

Alexander Downer and Mark Vaille were asked to make statements to the Cole Commission. John Howard may be next. Old King Cole refers to them as his “fiddlers three”.

SIR TOM JONES

Tom Jones has been knighted. He’s not touring with John Farnham again until he becomes the Earl of Farnham.

AIPORT PRICING HILARITY

The Federal Government has called for an enquiry into pricing at Australia’s airports, after it was discovered they weren’t paying any kickbacks to Saddam Hussein.

Politicians feel it costs too much for hot air balloons with a 4-person jacuzzi.

Politicians feel that it still costs too much to purchase a personal gyrocopter / ornithopter / dirigible / airship.

ALIEN CRUISE

It’s been revealed that Tom Cruise had Nicole Kidman’s phone tapped when they were together. He wanted to make sure she was talking to the good aliens.

Tom Cruise is insisting that Katie Holmes make no screaming noises when giving birth to their child, as scientologists believe that this can traumatise the baby. And if the baby cries, he’ll have to sacrifice it on the Thetan Altar…

According to Scientology, if Katie does scream during the birth process, she drops down two levels and loses twenty hit points.

Of course the mother screaming does traumatise most babies. Why else would they all cry?

LABOR SQUABBLES

Polls show that Labor voters are being turned off in droves by the internal party squabbling. Kim Beazley vowed, “We will stamp out thes petty personal attacks, which are all Crean and Gillard’s fault. Those guys suck.”

JOHN SO-SO

A poll showed more than 80% of Melburnians think their Lord Mayor John So should be crowned the best Lord Mayor in the world. And more than 99% couldn’t name any other candidates.

ASIO INTERCEPTION

The Senate passes laws allowing access to phone calls, emails and text messages from innocent people who may have been “in contact” with terror suspects. This way, they’ll be able to catch people who didn’t even know they’d done anything wrong.

They’re tapping your phone and letting you know about it. If they do it for long enough, maybe you’ll eventually turn against the government and then they’ve got you!

Soon, ASIO’ll even be able to spy on the guilty!

So we’re going to have to change our language to keep safe. You can’t call your old car a “bomb”, you can’t say “I’m gunna kill the bastard”, and it’s best to avoid “I’m going to blow up Parliament House tonight with this nuclear device! Moohahahahahahaha!!!!!”

SELLING URANIUM TO CHINA

The Government will sign an agreement to export uranium to China this week. I heard they may plan to use it to make muclear nissiles – although that might just be Chinese whispers.

The Government will sign an agreement to export uranium to China this week. China just needs to promise they won’t make bombs out of it. Scout’s honour.

KOALA OR CROC

Zoo thieves abandoned their original plan of stealing a koala when the koala scratched and bit them. So they took a 1.2 metre crocodile instead. I guess the zoo was out of killer sharks…

Police are on the lookout for two thieves or one really fat crocodile…

They have apparently exchanged the croc for drugs. Which they need after the gruesome mauling the croc gave them…

If you ask me, this whole koala story sounds like a croc…

BEAT THE EMBEZZLER

An accountant for a cardiovascular research foundation has pleaded guilty to embezzling over $300,000 including 20 grand to pay for a dominatrix to beat him. He claims it was really cardiovascular research – you should see his heart-rate when he’s being slapped on the groin with a velvet-covered mallet.

He got the dominatrix to punish him for his embezzlement, and then he had to embezzle more to pay for her. It was a vicious circle!

He pleaded guilty on the proviso that he’d get corporal punishment…

It wasn’t your usual guilty plea, more a plea of “I’ve been a bad boy and need to be punished.”

He’s been sentenced to 20 years without punishment.

NUKE IRAN

Iran gets 30 days to stop its nuclear enrichment. Or the US’ll give them some nuclear enrichment, godammit.

Iran gets 30 days to stop its nuclear enrichment. They’d better stop it, or we’ll do like we did in Iraq – storm in there, spend billions of dollars, and achieve nothing. And that’s our last warning!

PRO HART IS DEAD

Sadly, Pro Hart passed away last week. His rotting corpse wasn’t discovered until his maid came around for her monthly clean – “Oh Mr Hart, what a mess!

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