Glass House

Too Drunk To See Oolooroooo (The Glass House 12/4/06)

A man was arrested for drunk driving after asking a police officer for directions to Uluru – when he was just 100 metres away, pointing his headlights at it. When the policeman pointed it out, he said “I still can’t see it, there’s a bloody big red rock in the way!”

“Not Ayer’s Rock – I’m lookin’ for Uluru!”

That’s Uluru? Man, I just thought you guys had really massive speedhumps around here!”

Well it sounded like he was asking for Uluru, but he was actually asking (slurred) “Oo the ‘ell are you?”

The driver turned out to be unlicensed and with a blood-alcohol reading of 0.116. I reckon he did bloody well to get as close as he did.

It’s lucky the policeman caught him when he did. He was about to drive to the top of that big red hill to get a better look.

In frustration, the policeman kicked him square in the Olgas.

He thought he’d found Uluru earlier that day, but it was actually the Sydney Opera House.

This wasn’t his first time, either; last time he was so drunk that he tried to find Uluru from Tasmania.

His mistake was getting drunk. If he wanted to see the Rock, he should have got stoned.

The guy had no idea he was flagging down a police car. He thought it was a pink elephant / mobile bar / kangaroo / gargling squid on a unicycle.

The man waved down the car to ask for directions, only to discover it was a police car. “I thought it was Uluru,” said the man. “Well, that light’s red. And… Uluru has wheels and a siren, doesn’t it?”

He was actually looking for Coolaroo, a small suburb north of Broadmeadows. But he was in the wrong state – he should have been sober!

That man was so drunk, one day he could be Prime Minister!

By Wok

Warwick Holt is a highly experienced, award-winning screenwriter, who has written for many of Australia’s top comedians and presenters, and the Emperor of this here Media Empire.

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