Backpack-transmitted infections (GNW 26/10/09: monologue)

Researchers at the University of NSW have found that British backpackers may be driving the spread of sexually-transmitted infections in Australia. Just like they used to do with scurvy and smallpox.

Researchers at the University of NSW have found that British backpackers may be driving the spread of sexually-transmitted infections in Australia. Although they still have no idea what is driving the spread of Andre Rieu.

Britain are sending all their diseased drug-taking alcoholic sex-maniacs to Australia! In 200 years, nothing’s changed.

British backpackers are not generally using condoms. Their principal form of contraception is their ugly sunburnt faces.

And that’s how you end up with a bovver in your bollocks. / in your lovely jubblies.

British backpackers are not generally using condoms. To prevent STIs, they tend to rely on the protective accumulated crust of their old dickcheese.

24 percent of British backpackers have had unprotected sex with multiple partners. What is it that does it for us? Is it the stench of unwashed bong-smoke? Or do we just love being called convict scum?

24 percent of British backpackers have had unprotected sex with multiple partners since being in Australia. And some of those partners have barely been drugged at all!

Most British backpackers have three times as many partners as they do at home. But then we are that much more attractive.

But to an Aussie, the British accent is intoxicatingly exotic. We just close our eyes and pretend it’s Beckham. / and pretend we’re being bent like Beckham.

I don’t know why we bother with backpacker killers. They seem to be doing such a good job themselves.

Looks like it’s not the boatpeople we need to be worried about. / Looks like we’re protecting ourselves against the wrong kind of boatpeople.

So be careful if you’re hanging out with British tourists. They might be diseased – and you really don’t want to see their Big Pineapple.

They’re taking home all sorts of nasty souvenirs. Still, I’d rather have the clap than a kangaroo-paw bottle opener or a purse made out of cane toads.

Trouble is, back home, you can date a nice girl, but she won’t let you pukka.

In Australia, they have triple the number of partners than they do back home. That’s good old fashioned Aussie hospitality!

In Australia, they have triple the number of partners than they do back home. Which makes sense – in Australia, they’re not some lice-infested loser arsehole who can’t pull a bird, they’re Exotic International Travellers.

But in England, people are always recommending Australian seafood. So it makes sense that, when they’re here, they try the crabs.

Although British backpackers are often so filthy that when they give you crabs it’s of the fiddler variety.

Well it’s about the only way to get a clap out of a Pom.

I can’t believe they’re using illicit drugs while they’re here! Those illicit drugs are for us! / They must be bringing them with them, because here that kinda thing is ILLEGAL. / It’s bad enough that they’re giving us diseases, but they’re smoking all the good stuff!

The British backpackers could be spreading all sorts of diseases we’ve never even heard of, like geezer, guff and do-wot.

It’s not that we find British backpackers sexually appealing. We just love the feeling when they leave.

And when they get home, they can’t wait to show their friends their holiday crabs. / happy-scabs. / holiday snappers.

STIs are the only biological souvenirs you can carry back on the plane without quarantine.

60 percent of males backpackers and 44 percent of females are using illicit drugs, according to the joint study. Heh heh… joint.

60 percent of males backpackers and 44 percent of females are using illicit drugs, according to the joint study. And they’re all pissed, according to the beer study.

For our own good, it’s about time we released Ivan Milat.

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