Good Next Week (GNW 2/11/09: closing)

Tuesday, November 03
Tomorrow’s Melbourne Cup Day, the world’s only holiday for midget racing.

The race that stops a nation, the Melbourne Cup, shocks the world when the nation just keeps going.

The event that stops a nation, the Melbourne Cup, shocks punters when it turns out just to be some horse race. / a bunch of horses running around a track.

Tomorrow, it’s the race that stops a nation – the interest rate rise.

Tomorrow, of course, the nation will stop while their mortgages are jacked up.

The Reserve Bank will (almost certainly) raise interest rates again, to make sure this economic recovery is primarily fun for bankers and the well-off. / isn’t TOO fun for mortgage-holders.

Tomorrow, the Reserve Bank will (almost certainly) raise interest rates again. They need the extra money to cover a little flutter in the Cup.

Wednesday, November 04
The 2010 Perth International Arts Festival will be launched on Wednesday. They figured they might as well make their festival international, as some other countries are actually closer to Perth than the entire eastern seaboard is.

The program for the 2010 Sydney Festival will be announced tomorrow, before they realise they’re still a couple of months early.

Westpac will announce its yearly profits – they’ve got so much money now that they actually need to invent a whole new number. / whole new currency.

Adelaide will host the National Incontinence Conference – you’ve got to go!

Wednesday’s National Incontinence Conference in Adelaide will get off to an embarrassing start when several speeches are leaked ahead of schedule.

Wednesday’s National Incontinence Conference in Adelaide will get off to an embarrassing start when it pisses itself.

Wednesday’s National Incontinence Conference in Adelaide will be a total pisser. / a huge piss-up – unfortunately.

Sean P Puff Diddy Daddy Combs will turn 40 on Wednesday, and receive gifts of several new names. / on Wednesday. Time he got himself a new name.

Sean P Puff Diddy Daddy Combs will turn 40 on Wednesday. Now he’s middle-aged, he has vowed to do barely any cocaine at ALL.

The Bureau of Statistics will release the latest retail figures. We’re not only out of the recession, we’re spending like loonies again!

Thursday, November 05
Perth will host the Australasian College Of Road Safety conference. And those guys know how to conference – can’t remember HOW I got home from the last one of those!

On Thursday, Melbourne will host the Economic & Social Outlook conference, although by now many people have upgraded to Economic and Social Firefox.

In Sydney, John Howard will give a speech on the 10th anniversary of the republic referendum called “Turnbull sucked back then too”. / “The secret to getting what you want is in the wording of the question”. / “I Won The Queen-a-thon”.

On Thursday, John Howard will give a speech on the 10th anniversary of the republic referendum, before handing out tar, feathers and Kevin Rudd’s address. / before handing out the flaming torches.

On Thursday, the 2009 Sydney Peace prize will be given to the fairy penguins. Can’t get more peaceful than that.

On Thursday, the 2009 Sydney Peace prize will be presented. Might as well give that one to Obama too. / Front-runner is an Obama impersonator in blackface and a golliwog wig.

On Thursday, the 2009 Sydney Peace prize will be given to the wrong person, who will refuse to give it back, which will start a fight, which will descend into a brawl, which will mean no peace prize for anyone. Happy?

In Adelaide, it’s the Craft & Quilt Fair, which will be followed by the Craft & Quilt Unfair, where the judge’s daughter is the only one allowed to use needles.

Friday, November 06
Julian Morrow from The Chaser will deliver the Andrew Olle Media Lecture, as Andrew is dead.

Julian Morrow from The Chaser will deliver the Andrew Olle Media Lecture, making some great jokes about news presenters dying of brain tumours.

On the Gold Coast, it’s the Master Builders national conference, where they can all get together and engage in mutual masterbuilding.

On the Gold Coast, it’s the Master Builders national conference. Apparently they’ll be Masterbuilding all night.

On the Gold Coast, it’s the Master Builders national conference. It’s like Masterchef, but they only get the apprentices to do the taste-tests. / but they have to build the kitchen.

On Friday, Brisbane hosts the Good Food & Wine Show. Well, that’s… good.

Robbie Williams will release his new album, probably his last before he slides off into middle-aged oblivion.

Britney Spears’ “Circus” tour will hit Australia, proving once and for all that she’s no clown.

At Sydney’s Hordern Pavilion on Friday, it’s the “Canned Laughter” charity gala, hosted by our own Claire Hooper & featuring Akmal & Kitty Flanagan. Don’t worry, they’re not always like this.

In Sydney, the “Canned Laughter” charity gala, hosted by our own Claire Hooper and featuring both Akmal and Kitty Flanagan, will be held at the Hordern Pavilion. One thing’s for sure, it gives me the Hordern. / just thinking about it gives me the Hordern.

At Sydney’s Hordern Pavilion on Friday, Claire, Kitty and Akmal will be at the “Canned Laughter” charity gala. So please, even Akmal deserves your charitable laughter.

Saturday, November 07
Psychic John Edward will begin his Australian tour in Sydney on Saturday. How do I know? MIND POWER.

Psychic John Edward will begin his Australian tour in Sydney on Saturday – yet he had the posters printed up months ago! HOW DID HE KNOW??

Psychic John Edward will begin his Australian tour, but I’m sure you knew that.

Psychic John Edward will begin his Australian tour, so watch your wallets. / be careful he doesn’t read your mind for your bank PIN.

Psychic John Edward will tour Australia, along with his army of the dead. Thought I should warn you.

Sunday marks 3 years since Britney & K. Fed got divorced, and Britney will have a breakdown as the news finally reaches her brain.

On Saturday Dr. Karl will be in Sydney flogging his new book, entitled “Hey, Remember Me, I’m That Science Guy!” / “For God’s Sake, It Rhymes With Struglepishki”. / “Dr Karl’s Guide To The Latest Scientific Developments on Pronouncing ‘Kruszelnicki’”.

Sunday, November 08
Perth will host the international conference on regional development. Apparently Perth’s coming along well.

In Hobart, it’s the Japanese Film Festival. While in Tokyo, they’re showing a series of films about picking apples and rooting your cousin.

Sunday is Hobart’s Japanese Film Festival. For some reason they love watching films made by people on a tiny island who managed to almost defeat mainland Australia. Not sure why.

It’s Seal’s first ever Australian tour! Let’s hope he doesn’t hit any clubs.

Seal’s Australian tour will arrive in Brisbane, where he’ll catch a ball on his nose, clap his flippers, and sing all of his greatest hits.

Seal’s Australian tour will arrive in Brisbane on Sunday. Tickets are 35 herring. / The show is free, but you have to bring a bucket of fish to feed him halfway through the set.

Monday, November 09
Next week is National Recycling Week, same as last year. / which seems to happen every year. / Just like last year, and the year before…

For next week’s National Recycling Week, we’ll be doing all the same jokes as this week, but swapping the names! / but in a different order!

In Melbourne, there’ll be a hearing into the gay marriage bill, which will consist of a whole lot of people shouting “should” and “shouldn’t” at each other.

At the Sydney Institute, Joe Hockey will give a speech called “In Defence Of God”, in which he’ll reveal his defence policy for Heaven. Don’t want those heathens getting in! / defence policy for Heaven, including processing refugees from Hell in the Limbo Detention Centre.

At the Sydney Institute, Joe Hockey will give a speech called “In Defence Of God”, and Jesus Christ will give a speech called “Defence Positions in Hockey”.

Next Monday China’s “rich list” will be revealed – everyone’s equal again!

Next Monday sees the release of China’s “rich list”; that’s the hundred people the Chinese government would like you to believe have the most money.

Delta Goodrem will turn 25. No longer so Wii. / And with her career in a bit of a lull, she’ll be given cancer again!

It’ll be 20 years since the Berlin Wall was torn down, and they began planning the replacement in the West Bank.

On Monday it’ll be 20 years since the Berlin Wall was torn down. Man, how slack is German maintenance? / And they still haven’t been bothered putting up a new one.

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