Glass House

80 not out, and still not amused (The Glass House 12/4/06)

The Queen turns 80 this week. Of course, we’ve already helped her celebrate at the Commonwealth Games Opening by mangling the first half of “God Save the Queen” and sticking in “Happy Birthday”. Such a touching insult.

Prince Phillip’s going to get her a new crown, Princess Anne’s going to reupholster the corgis, and Prince Charles is going to give her a fatal clubbing.

For the occasion, Prince Charles is organising her a special limo-ride through the tunnels of Paris…

But the poor Queen can’t celebrate on the day she was born – she has to wait until the Queen’s Birthday.

At her party, the Chief Candlesnuffer will be blowing out 80 candles, while the Chancellor of Baked Goods Bifurcation had better be careful when he cuts the cake, or he’ll have to kiss the nearest Baron.

For the occasion, Her Majesty will be wearing her special Party Crown, have solid gold balloons, and will be pinning the tail on a real live donkey.

Her Majesty’s inflatable castle has eighty rooms! And 3 inflatable butlers.

To hold up the 80 candles, she requires three large cakes and a flan.

Games at her party include musical thrones, pass the knighthood, and pin the tail on Camilla.

Prince Harry’s dressing up for the occasion. This time he’s going as Osama.

President Bush is also sending her a present. Iraq.

And Melbourne will be sending another one of our obsolete trams. Happy fucking birthday.

The Queen is said to have mixed feelings about turning 80. (Queen voice) “We wish we were dead.”

She’s excited about the party, but will probably break something during the birthday bashings…

By Wok

Warwick Holt is a highly experienced, award-winning screenwriter, who has written for many of Australia’s top comedians and presenters, and the Emperor of this here Media Empire.

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