StarScreen for Sperm (GNW 2/11/09: monologue)

A Californian sperm bank is offering prospective clients the opportunity to choose donors who most resemble their favourite celebrity. Though if that’s J-Lo or Jessica Alba, you might not get what you’re after.

Look-alike talent agencies are now getting into the sperm bank business, since interest is otherwise drying up in their range of lame phoneys.

And if you want a child who has a big round head and a long wriggly body, just use ordinary sperm.

Of course, having a celebrity-look-alike as a donor doesn’t mean the child will look anything like their genetic parent. I mean, look at Angelina Jolie’s kids – none of them look like her!

The donors themselves remain anonymous. But when you want to find your biological dad, just find the copy of Who Weekly from nine months before you were born and look for the guy on the front.

It’s certainly gotten the sperm bank attention. They’ve been swamped by gullible paparazzi.

The sperm bank now has more look-alikes donating than they have demand. California’s going to have a spate of fat little Elvises.

Although if your baby looks like Ozzy Osbourne, you might want to consider getting it put down.

But if you really want a baby that looks like Harry Potter, you can just gouge a little zigzag into its forehead with a stanley knife. (Or is that considered wrong these days?)

Of course, if having a baby that potentially looks like someone who looks a bit like someone famous is that important to you, I think it’s probably best that you don’t breed at all.

Despite his great intelligence, for some reason there still is very little demand for the sperm of Stephen Hawking.

The sperm bank warns you that choosing a donor who looks like a celebrity doesn’t necessarily mean your child will resemble them. They will probably have some elements of your revolting fameless self. / They will still have some of your pathetic loser nobody DNA.

Though be warned – sperm from a David Beckham lookalike may still be shit at soccer.

Better hope you don’t have a girl. Baby Georgia Clooney would just look creepy.

Of course if look-alikes aren’t good enough for you, the technique remains to break into your favourite star’s home and wank them off into a jar.

It’s quite a sensible approach, if you want your offspring to grow up able to blag their way into fancy parties. (“Don’t you know who my dad is?”)

Of course, if your kids look a bit like someone who looks like someone famous, their kids might look like them, and look like someone who looks like someone famous!

Some of these lookalikes have become so famous, now people are asking to have a child by people who look like THEM.

And of course, when the children grow up, they can become sperm-donating look-alikes themselves, and the cycle of life continues…

But since donors remain anonymous, you have to take the staff’s word for it. And just assume that Hugh Grant look-alikes have to visit a sperm bank to get their rocks off.

Believe it or not, many of us have lookalike sperm. For instance, my sperm looks like Casper the Friendly Ghost.

As is well known, most men who visit sperm banks look just like movie stars. (Albeit fatter, uglier and markedly less charming. / markedly more disfigured.)

Forget intelligence or charisma or good breeding – parents these days just want their offspring to look like celebrities. Since they’re going to throw tantrums regardless.

Though be careful if you get Russell Crowe-alike sperm. Those kids won’t just throw tantrums – they’ll throw phones.

Parents these days just want their offspring to look like celebrities. Although in the future, when everyone looks like celebrities, it’ll be the nondescript nobodies who really stand out… and become celebrities.

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