Malaysian Romance (GNW 9/11/09: Strange But True)

A Malaysian state government is so concerned about rising divorce rates that they are offering classes on how to stay together. Step one: don’t get divorced. Step two: shut up and like it.

A Malaysian state government is offering romance classes to help Muslim couples stay together. Is that a Lumpur in your Kuala or are you just glad to see me?

Apparently the trouble with Muslim couples is they never pork.

Wives will get tips on using perfume and wearing lingerie, and husbands will get tips on opening their fists.

The only problem with Muslim lingerie is that it’s full-body.

Married couples will be encouraged to bathe together. And if that goes well, possibly even have sex!

Women should wear perfume and husbands should reduce body odour. Because clearly the main problem with Malaysians is that they stink. / Because Malaysians STINK.

The tips include recommending that women wear lingerie to bed to spice up their sex lives. Unfortunately, escaping their responsibilities in the bedroom was the only thing keeping a lot of these women sane. / keeping these women from divorcing the misogynist brutes in the first place.

And please, shave off that enormous beard, ladies.

Malaysian husbands and wives should both address their body odour. It might not save their marriages, but at least the whole place won’t stink of Nasi Goreng.

Image consultants will provide tips for how wives can keep themselves attractive, and tips for how men can keep themselves misogynist and beardy.

Of course, the best way the government can reduce divorce rates is to scrap divorce. DONE!

Husbands are advised to wear clean pyjamas. Flannel – it’s like lingerie for women. / Because nothing makes a woman feel more secure in their marriage than hubby in his jim-jams.

Husbands are advised to reduce their body odour, and wear pyjamas that are clean, and preferably ironed. That should emasculate them sufficiently. / That ought to stop them from straying, at least.

The marriage consultants recommend husbands and wives bathe together. And if that goes well, she can try taking off the burkha.

It’s either get some perfume and lingerie, or foster mutual respect and dialogue as equals. But what KIND of perfume?

Hopefully a little bit of perfume and lingerie should stop women being objectified.

al-Qaeda’s going to try it too – their marriages keep blowing apart.

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