Glass House

Who Wants to be a Superhero (The Glass House 19/4/06)

Comic book creator Stan Lee has been auditioning contestants for a new reality show Who Wants to be a Superhero? 120 contestants in their own outfits lined up in a torrential rainstorm to gain selection on the show. Good for Umbrella Man, although Sponge Girl ended up waterlogged.

In the TV show, the wannabe superheroes face challenges including being mistaken for a bird or a plane, leaping tall buildings in a single bound, and reversing the spin of the Earth…

To the contestants who missed out, Stan Lee said, “You might not have been selected in this round, but I might pick you next time… NEXT TIME! Moohahaha!”

The new superheroes include: Kaptain Kickback – bribes the criminals to stop their evil plans; Lecture Girl – sits the criminals down and gives them a good talking to; Coincidence Man – arrives on the scene, and luckily everything just kinda turns out OK; and The Rehabilitator – shows evil-doers the folly of their ways, and successfully reintegrates them into the community – at will!

A new superhero! Finally, a sensible way to win the War on Terror!

George W Bush has applied for a role, as SuperBush. His special power is being able to bomb any country he likes…

George W Bush is favourite to win – after all, he’s got the world’s only remaining superpower!

Some of the actual contestants included Monkey Lady (secret power: eating bananas), Bubble Man (big bubbles, no troubles), Ice Bitch (can freeze out the hottest of ex-boyfriends), Hula-Hoop Girl (can swivel hips – at will!) and Accordian Man (can play Yoplait ads to you – at will!)

At last nerds get their own reality show. It was either this or The World’s Sexiest Mathematician.

Losing contestants are banished to the Phantom Zone… / Losing contestants are trapped in that two-dimensional spinning thing from Superman 2

America really needs another superhero. Superman became paraplegic and died, Batman has been distraught ever since Katie Holmes hooked up with Tom Cruise, and Dubya only really counts as a superhero in his own mind…

The contestants go through a gruelling audition process, where Lee suspends them over a pit of bloodthirsty sharks on a slowly lowering platform. “Tune in next week to find out who survives!”

The winner gets a comic book and film made about them. The losers get sent off to use their superpowers in Iraq…

The winner gets their own comic book, and a film produced by the Sci-Fi channel; they’ll be the scourge of supervillains and the envy of supergeeks everywhere…

By Wok

Warwick Holt is a highly experienced, award-winning screenwriter, who has written for many of Australia’s top comedians and presenters, and the Emperor of this here Media Empire.

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