Grump your way to health (The Glass House 19/4/06)

Flight attendants, call centre operators, waiters and other people forced to stay jolly for work are at risk of harming their health due to internalised stress. You might be advised to stick to grumpier professions, like parking inspector, nightclub bouncer or comedy writer.

Russell Crowe is set to live forever.

Instead of saying “Have a Nice Day”, McDonalds employees are now being encouraged to tell their customers to “Eat shit and die”.

To counter the problem of phony cheerfulness, fast-food sellers will stop saying “Have a nice day”, doctors will stop saying “Don’t worry, you’ll get better”, and Prime Ministers will stop saying “I never knew that AWB were paying kickbacks.”

To stop going to an early grave, John Howard is now going to stop being so cheerful as he lies his pants off.

Fake friendliness can lead to depression – but on the other hand, fake depression can lead to friendliness. That’s how Goths get together.

So now we know that Grumpy Old Men isn’t just a cliche, it’s nature’s way. All the polite ones die off.

Out of all the dwarves, is it any surprise the only one left alive is Grumpy? When asked what he thought about it, he just said “Piss off, longshanks.”

Flight attendants were especially at risk, having to put on a happy face for extended periods. It can be such a relief when the plane goes into a tailspin and they’re allowed to be a bit worried.

Flight attendants were at risk due to having to put on a happy face for extended periods. Thanks to this research, they’re now allowed three frowns and a grimace every flight.

Fake emotions kill. Mariah Carey is said to only have a couple of ballads left.

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