Expensive Mime (GNW 9/11/09: Warren)

Australians are paying up to $1500 for tickets to see Britney Spears mime. She’ll be doing all her hits, like “Oops!… I’m Walking Against The Wind” and “If You Seek The Exit To This Glass Box That Would Be Very Helpful”.

People don’t mind seeing her mime. In fact, one of the chief attractions of the concert is her new song “Escaping From A Glass Box And Walking Against A Very Strong Wind”.

Australians are paying up to $1500 for tickets to see Britney Spears mime. She’ll be doing all her hits, like “Oops!… I Did it A Something Something” and “Something Toxic Something Something”.

Australians are paying up to $1500 for tickets to see Britney Spears mime. It seems expensive, but it’s only Monopoly money. / It’d be really quite expensive, if it was in real money.

But people don’t see Britney for her singing. They see her for the slim chance she’ll fall off something and die.

But people don’t see Britney for her singing. They see her for the chance to glimpse her sweating minge.

But seeing Britney for her singing ability is like buying Anal Farmyard Dwarves for the articles.

I’ve heard Britney sing. And I’d definitely prefer it if she mimes.

But if she’s going to mime, why can’t it be to Billie Holiday? / Joni Mitchell?

A lot of her crowd are happy for her to focus on her dancing and theatrics. In fact they’d happily lose the music altogether.

A Britney show is all about the costumes, the lights, the exuberance. It’s basically a really expensive night of drag karaoke.

Apparently minders have also employed Britney look-alikes to fool paparazzi. But smart photographers know that, if they’re convincing enough to fool the paparazzi, then they’ll be convincing enough to fool the people who buy Who Weekly.

To escape the paparazzi, Britney’s employed look-alike decoys at airports. It’s easy to spot the look-alikes though – they can actually sing.

To escape the paparazzi, Britney’s employed look-alike decoys at airports. Which is fantastic, because you can see them mime her songs for a fraction of the price.

But given that she’s not singing and she’s bringing out look-alikes, how do we know it’s Britney on-stage at all? In fact how do we know that Britney’s not back in the Hollywood Hills, looking like Jabba the Hutt?

Now that everyone expects Britney to mime, it makes the one or two moments of genuine singing all the more exciting!

But it’s not like audiences are being fooled. After all, it’s real mime. / the miming is 100% genuine.

There’s plenty of merchandise too. Well, it’s other people’s merchandise with a picture of Britney glued over the top.

Of course, it’s a dead giveaway when she speaks. She’s actually got a gravelly baritone. / (deep gravelly death-growl) “Thank you Australia!”

Back in the day, we crucified Betty Boo and Milli Vanilli for miming. But Britney’s so much hotter.

Apparently Aussies don’t even mind if she fakes her orgasms.

Fans don’t mind seeing her miming, but they draw the line at her card tricks. / juggling.

Of course, if you can’t afford the 1500 bucks, you can always dress up and mime to her songs yourself. That way, you can also grope yourself backstage after the show.

The “Circus” tour has already drawn criticism for its cruelty to animals. Although they prefer to be called ‘security guards’.

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