Chinese Disney (GNW 9/11/09: 7 Days In 7 Seconds)

Disney has won approval to construct a Disneyland-style theme park in Shanghai. There have been some minor changes. For instance, Mickey has been renamed Puny Western Mouse.

All the classic Disney icons will still be there, but in slightly different forms. For instance, Mickey is a member of the government, Donald is in the military, and Goofy is in the black bean sauce.

Everyone’s looking forward to seeing Mickey Mao.

Finally, the ruthless saccharine capitalism of Disney, meets the stiff anti-human repression of modern China. It’s a corporate executive’s wet dream!

Can’t wait to ride on the ‘Roller Coaster of East-West Relations’, the ‘Economic Big Dipper’, and the ‘Tunnel of Governmental Culpability’.

And because of the one-child policy, there won’t be too many pesky children hogging all the rides!

In Chinese Disneyworld, there’s no Huey, Dewy and Louie ducks, there’s only Huey. It’s the one-child policy.

And their rides all have a one-child policy.

Hear the screams of delight as children enjoy the rides, and the other screams Chinese Disneyworld don’t like to talk about.

There’s something for everyone, as long as you’re not Tibetan, Falun Gong, or Rio Tinto.

There’s going to be some great rides. I’m really looking forward to “Steal The Organs From The Falun Gong Member” – it’s a real hoot!

And there’s no shortage of people to work in those oversized character-costumes. It’s better than solitary confinement!

Of course the giant characters won’t be able to talk. They’ve had their tongues removed.

Those Mickey and Donald costumes are the perfect way to keep their Tibetan prisoners silent. / are the perfect job for monks with their tongues removed.

Unfortunately Pluto and Goofy keep getting eaten.

It’s going to be fantastic! I’ve always wondered what Donald would taste like in Hoi-Sin. / done Peking-style.

The resort will be one of the largest in the world, and the queues will be record-breaking!

I’m sure the rides will be well worth the four-day queue.

The “It’s a Small World” exhibit is expected to be particularly popular, although to many Chinese people it’s more like medium-sized.

The new Disneyworld will contain Disney classics, but also unique Chinese exhibits and rides, like “Dodgem Protesters”, “The Roller Tanker”, and “Where’s Papa Gone?”

China has aggressively protected itself from such Westernisation to date. But they’ve finally realised that welcoming Disney is the only way to take it over and reverse the propaganda stream.

I don’t know why they’ve resisted so long. After all, Walt Disney was a Nazi.

I don’t know why they’ve resisted Disney so long. Everyone knows Mickey Mouse hates Tibetans.

The Chinese have finally realised that Disney isn’t actually all that subversive. It’s a mouse! And a duck! Who can talk! The Communist Party must be overthrown!

So they’ve finally allowed Disney into China. Now we can just sit back and watch communism collapse!

They’ve also introduced some new characters, like Western Imperialist Pig-Dog.

Plans for Iranian Disneyland are still progressing slowly.

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