Making news this week (The Glass House 19/4/06)

AWB

Howard, Downer and Vaille all say that they didn’t even read the 21 intelligence cables that said AWB was funding Saddam’s regime. As Howard said: “I was far too busy reading the cables about made-up stuff! You know, like WMDs, the links between Saddam and Osama, and African uranium…”

As Howard said: “I was far too busy reading the stuff we made up about Iraq to read any of the true stuff!”

As Howard said: “I was far too busy memorising half-baked conjecture and discredited intelligence reports to read any facts!”

As Howard said: “You’ve gotta be picky about which cables you read; I don’t want to know something that I might have to deny knowing about later…”

Alexander Downer told the Commission that he only reads cables if he’s stuck on a plane and he’d already read everything else. And he only checks his in-box if there’s nothing on TV.

Downer finds long flights a real trial. More than 14 hours and he’s forced to do his job.

John Howard says the AWB have lied to everyone. Well, he would know…

John Howard says the AWB have lied to everyone. And you can trust John Howard!

Howard and Vaille blame Downer. Downer blames the UN. The UN are now blaming Osama Bin Laden…

Howard blames Downer. Vaille blames Downer. In fact, it’s only Downer that doesn’t blame Downer. Downer blames the UN. And the Illuminati. And El Nino.

REFUGEES

The Federal Government are using Collins Class submarines, warships, spy planes and top secret radars & satellites to stop West Papuan refugees reaching Australia. If it goes well they’re thinking of using all those resources to catch criminals too!

If only we’d thought of using all those things to catch Osama

We have to send warships and subs after these boat people! After all, they’re fleeing a warzone – we’re just trying to make them feel at home!

Changes to Australian migration laws mean that even if you set foot on mainland Australia, you’re still not in Australia’s migration zone. In fact, even if you’re born here, you can still be shipped back to where you came from…

DETAINEES

Detainees moved out of Villawood detention centre because of an asbestos threat are sleeping in asbestos-riddled buildings at Hosworthy army base. I guess the detainees being removed just before the date of a planned protest at Villawood was a TOTAL COINCIDENCE…

MOSES & APPLE

Gwyneth Paltrow & Chris Martin have named their new son Moses. They decided on the name when her waters parted…

So their two kids are named Apple and Moses. Favourite for the third child is Exilplick the Quadrangle.

PORKSTONE

It’s been revealed that Amanda Vanstone owns 1700 pigs. But then, we all have extended family we don’t like to talk about…

IRAN

America learns from its mistakes on Iraq in dealing with Iran. Dubya said, “This time, we’re not going to try to bring democracy – we’re going to try to eliminate it!” Well, actually, he said “elimininate”.

Iran’s President has ramped up the rhetoric over their nuclear program, telling those who are angry “to be angry and die of this anger!” And if you don’t die of the anger, maybe you’ll die of this 400 megaton nuclear missile…

The US President has played down talk of a nuclear strike on Iran, calling it “just wild speculation”. And if there’s one thing Bush knows about, it’s wild speculation before a bombing campaign…

Leaked plans suggest that the US is planning to strike Iran’s nuclear facilities with nuclear weapons. Because they’re just not nuclear enough yet.

Yeah, that’s the way to avert a nuclear catastrophe – by bombing a nuclear site with a nuclear weapon!

Bush’s chief adviser Karl Rove says reaching a diplomatic solution over Iran’s nuclear ambitions will be difficult because their President is “not a rational human being”. And we all know the difficulty an irrational President can cause.

Rove added, “I have enough difficulty controlling our irrational President.”

There’s nothing worse than an irrational President with nuclear capabilities – look at Hiroshima, Nagasaki, Bosnia and – very soon – Iran…

THE MYSTERY OF THE GHOST OF THE DOOMSAYER OF DEATHLINESS

The Australian Federal Police has suspended an officer for consulting a clairvoyant about a death threat to John Howard. The AFP says it “does not condone the use of psychics in security matters. We only use Tarot, and occasionally the I Ching.”

The officer has taken it on the chin. “I knew I was going to be suspended – it was in my horoscope.”

You don’t get clairvoyants to work on a death threat case against the PM! It’s clearly a job for the Fairies of Tinkle Forest!

The PM has now been placed in a Ring of Protection, and his aromatherapist is on-call around-the-clock.

Sometimes it is appropriate for the police to consult a clairvoyant about a death threat. Particularly if it’s the clairvoyant doing the threatening…

Disappointingly, John Howard is still alive.

PARROT WIND

Environment Minister Ian Campbell banned a South Gippsland wind farm because of the alleged threat to the orange-bellied parrot, although it has admittedly never been seen in the area. In fact what they really need down there is a parrot farm.

Plans for a parrot farm have also been shelved; apparently they have terrible wind.

The Minister said “we can’t afford to lose a single parrot. Much more satisfying to pollute the air, destroy the forests, and wipe out the whole species at once! It’s much more efficient, too.”

As the Minister said, we can’t afford to lose a single parrot. We have to wipe out the whole species at once! That’s just our way.

The Minister said, “We can’t afford to lose a single electorate. I mean parrot.”

ONE-EYED CREATIONISM

The preserved remains of an albino cyclops kitten which died a day after being born has been bought for the central display of a new Creationist museum. Because a hideous deformed mutant suffering a short yet painful existance could only be the work of an all-powerful, all-loving God!

The museum’s owner says that the deformed kitten shows that mutations are always negative. Further proof is the mutant brain that leads to the museum owner’s retarded idea of logic. / And with logic like that, sounds like he might be a bit of a negative mutation himself.

I guess if we’re the products of evolution, and this kitten’s also the product of evolution, then we’re basically equivalent to the kitten. That’s right, evolutionists, you’re all a bunch of cyclops mutants! Take up with Jesus and run for the hills!

A one-eyed, blind, dead mutant. Now there’s a mascot for creationism.

DULL QUEEN FACTS:

As part of the Queen’s 80th Birthday Celebrations, the Windsors have put up 80 “interesting facts” about her on their website. Most of these are really really boring, but we found four that took our fancy:

FACT 55: The Queen is the Church of England’s titular head. She is also its headular tits.

FACT 59: The Queen introduced a dachshund/corgi cross called a “dorgi” dog. She also created the dorgi/husky cross, known as a “shaggy dorgi dog”, and a dorgi/husky/shitzu cross known as a “shitzy shaggy dorgi dog.

FACT 74: The Queen is the first monarch to be awarded a gold record. Although she was using her stagename, Betty Boo. / The gold record was for her hit single My Husband and I Will Rock You.

FACT 79: Technically The Queen still owns the sturgeons, whales and dolphins in the waters around the UK. Her Maj is thinking of giving away this power to Charles, who will become the “Prince of Whales, Dolphins and Sturgeons”… / When Prince Charles finally becomes King, he is promoted from “Prince of Wales” to “King of Sturgeons”.

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