Octo-Mel (GNW 9/11/09: 7 Days In 7 Seconds)

Mel Gibson’s new fiancée has given birth to his eighth child, which Gibson has already said makes him “Octo-Mel”. Yes, Octo-Mel, spreading his childish tentacles out into the world to capture Jews!

He ended up with a baby girl. So this one’s not the messiah – maybe next time.

He really wanted to father the Messiah – but he’ll settle for Antichrist.

It’s either a reference to octuplet-mother Octomum, or to Spiderman’s nemesis Dr Octopus, and I’m certainly hoping the latter. Stomping through the city, lasering Jews… / It would certainly make his next drink-driving offence entertaining. / And if you’ve ever been drunk in charge of mechanical-tentacles you’d know why he’d be keen.

Appropriately, Octo-Mel has eight children, so he can hold one in each tentacle.

Mel’s career’s obviously been going so badly that he hopes he can get his own Octomum-style reality series.

Mel understandably feels like Octomum. She was almost as reviled as him.

Gibson is engaged to Russian singer Oksana Grigorieva. So he says the new baby is only a pseudo-bastard.

Gibson is engaged to the mother, Russian singer Oksana Grigorieva. But he says God isn’t as hung up on married parents as everyone else reckons.

He said “I guess that makes me Octo-Mel”. See, he’s no less of a talentless dickhead sober.

Mel Gibson has fathered a bouncing baby girl. She’s young enough to be his daughter, just like her mother.

He’s certain the baby is his – it’s a foul-mouthed drunken anti-semite.

They called the girl ‘Lucia’, after the mysterious horned stranger who helped Mel fund ‘The Passion of the Christ’.

Gibson was a little surprised to see Oksana give birth to a girl. He was on such a bender, he wasn’t even sure they’d had sex.

Lucia was born a few weeks premature, but that’s because the doctors were all Jews.

He may be Octo-Mel now, but if he has any more kids he’ll have to become Mel Squidson.

He only looks like he has four limbs, but the other four are already flailing about in Heaven, hunting for Jews that got there by accident.

Mel’s proven that building your own church and releasing a three-hour Passion in Aramaic doesn’t stop you fathering a heathen bastard.

Mel realises that having a child out of wedlock with a divorce still unfinalised is not all that holy. Let’s just hope he doesn’t make another Aramaic film as penance. / But then he can always build more churches.

Eight children! Mel’s just proving what he’s always believed – that he is the almighty father.

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