Graffitea (GNW 9/11/09: monologue)

The NSW Government is considering a plan to sentence graffiti vandals to community service with senior citizens. Ah yes, forcing teenagers and pensioners to speak – that make should everyone happy.

Jail time doesn’t seem to work, so they’re hoping instead a few hours in the company of dementia-riddled seniors will crush their spirits.

They’re hoping it will solve the problems of both antisocial youth and unlovable crones. / the unbearable elderly. / the unwanted oldies.

Of course, it’s not the graffiti-artists that are costing us 100 million a year – it’s the government who insists on erasing it all.

Of course, it’s not really the graffiti-artists who are costing us 100 million a year. They’re willing to work for free! / They do all their work for free.

Maybe instead of spending money on erasing all of the local graffiti art, councils could blow their cash on a few really big picture frames.

Hang on – if the vandals are the ones who’ve done the crime, why should the elderly folks be the ones getting the punishment?

Graffiti-artists are appalled. There’s no room for a decent piece on an old person.

The reasoning is, if we can’t make these people stop decorating the city, we should at least reward them with a delicious snack, a warm beverage, and a lovely chat.

Because if one thing will turn a street-artist away from his dedication to spray-painting, it’s a delicious snack, a warm beverage, and a chat.

So now they’ll have graffitea and graffiscones. / So now all the oldies will be drinking graffitea.

Tea, scones and the wisdom of the ages. It’s enough to make me want to scrawl MY name everywhere.

Tea and scones with the oldies – it should at least encourage them to broaden their artistic materials… a dab of raspberry jam, a smudge of cream…

100-year-old Masters Games gold medallist Ruth Frith said the elderly shouldn’t be made to manage disrespectful youth. They’ve got their hands full just remembering where the toilet is.

It’s a great way to teach the young’uns a lesson without having to do it yourself.

But should vandals really be allowed near the elderly? They’re so easy to break. / They’re so fragile. / They’re so easy to vandalise.

And, satisfied they’ve done their civic duty, the young’uns can happily tag the whole way home.

A councillor suggested that it would help vandals “develop a social conscience and some sense of heart”. Or at the very least get the oldies out of his hair.

Our oldies can help set these wayward kids straight, or at least provide them with believable alibis.

Clearly, the reasoning is that, once they’ve hung out with old people, they’ll develop a social conscience and stop painting. Either that, or develop a liking for shortbread and Glen Miller.

The elders can engender a respect for history, civic duty, and a simpler way of life into the young’uns, and the youth can show the oldies the best places for tagging.

This way the vandals get a sense of community and the oldies learn how to do a fully wicked tag. / piece.

The oldies will love having the young’uns around. Finally a chance to have a decent session of chroming. / to have a good old fashioned chrome.

To help them develop a social conscience, the oldies will give the vandals a good clip around the ears and a taste of their belts.

The vandals themselves are excited by the prospect. They love tea and cones.

Exactly what the elderly folks are meant to gain by hanging out with a bunch of graffiti-artists is yet to be determined. But the graffiti-artists say the deal’s pretty sweet, can somebody pass the strawberry jam.

Exactly what the elderly folks are meant to gain by hanging out with a bunch of graffiti-artists is yet to be determined. But at least they lose the will-to-live.

It should work well. If you tag the elderly, they’re easier to identify when they wander off.

“Back in MY day, the only way we could spray paint was to get a big mouthful of it and spit it very precisely… of course in those days paint gave you lead-poisoning, which led to polio… mind you, that’s how I met your grandmother.”

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