Glass House

Dial-a-Shearing (cut from The Glass House 26/4/06)

Researchers in Adelaide have suggested sheep of the future may be shorn by having a mobile phone call trigger a bioactive substance which would cause their wool to fall out. Of course it won’t work if the sheep are on another call at the time.

That’s the sheep of things to come…

The farmer of the future can shear the flock by mobile phone, feed them by SMS and round them up via e-dog.

In further developments, they hope one day to develop a bioactive agent which, when triggered by a phone call will cause the sheep to instantly butcher itself into chops.

Advanced models will be able to crumb their own cutlets.

If they give the number to Shane Warne, they’ll get all their shearing done for free. But the sheep’d better put out.

If you dial the wrong number, the sheep just deliver you pizza.

If the sheep are out, the call is recorded on an answering masheep.

Humans can be implanted with similar bioactive devices. Although the jumpers don’t end up quite as comfy.

The sheep shed their wool when you call them. If you text them, they just message you the fleece.

Peter Garrett is hoping to use the technology to keep his head nice and buffed.

They’re using the technology for human hair removal too. So now you can get a Brazilian for the price of a local call…

Upmarket beauty salons are offering similar phone-based hair removal to clients. You can now get a “back, sack, crack and fax”…

By Wok

Warwick Holt is a highly experienced, award-winning screenwriter, who has written for many of Australia’s top comedians and presenters, and the Emperor of this here Media Empire.

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