Good News Week

Eat Pets for Planet (GNW 16/11/09: monologue)

The true eco-menace has been revealed – cats and dogs.  A pet dog has an eco-pawprint double that of the average Land Cruiser.  And you don’t have to pick up a Land Cruiser’s droppings.

Of course, this idea isn’t new.  You’d already know that dogs are toxic if you’ve ever smelt one fart.

But dogs are the ultimate recyclers – they eat their own shit. / But dogs will eat leftovers, rubbish, even their own shit – they’re the ultimate recyclers!

According to a new study, our pets are using an unjustifiable amount of energy.  Then again, I’m sure they say the same thing about us.

According to a new study, our pets are using an unjustifiable amount of energy.  Then again, they’re not the ones who insisted on the new plasma-screen, are they.

Even keeping a hamster produces an eco-footprint about half that of a plasma TV.  Though they are in very high-definition.

The authors of the new book “Time to Eat the Dog” suggest that environmentally-responsible people should take up vegetarian pets like chickens or rabbits.  That way at least you’re growing your dog food at home.

But our pets are innocent!  If we really want to be fair, there’s only one solution – our pets should be eating us. / Soylent Green Chum.  We’re so chumpy you can carve us!

The effects of climate change will create a dog-eat-dog world.  Unless we get to them first…

That’s right – eat your pets, before they boil us alive.

Those sneaky dogs… warming up the world until it is unfit for human habitation.  And then it will ALWAYS be walkies.

So it’s a pretty good deal really.  Run over the German shepherd with your new four-wheel drive and you still end up doing your bit for the environment!

Unfortunately, the report has resulted in a spree of Hummer-driving, plasma-screen-watching, puppy-spearing vigilantes.

As part of a solid commitment at Copenhagen, world leaders should each have to eat a German shepherd.  Maybe not a huge problem for Hu Jintao, but we all know Rudd’s attitude to red meat…

A vegetarian, edible pet is not just environmentally-responsible, but also provides you with a whole new realm of self-hatred when you devour it.

Climate change sceptics have taken the book to heart – see, it’s not “human-induced climate change” – it’s puppy-induced!

Of course, by that logic, we really should be eating our parents. / siblings. / children.

They recommend that, before we eat our pets, we should eat the USA.  Not only will that rid the world of some of the people actually responsible for much of the pollution and global warming, but they’re so large that one American can feed a family of four for the best part of a fortnight.  It’s win-win!

But as far as creatures go, the worst contributor to global warming is the cow, with all the land-clearing done for their benefit, and their constant methane expulsions.  We should be eating THEM instead – oh, we are.  Problem solved!

Not only should we eat our pets, but why not use their bones to make a nice armchair?  And their skin can always be used to make the cushions!  Waste not want not – that’s how we’re going to save the world!

Of course, if we hadn’t already destroyed pretty much every natural area of wilderness, we wouldn’t need to look after other animals – they’d have somewhere to live.

Of course, we wouldn’t have to have pets if they had some other place they could live – but we’ve already trashed it all. / but we’ve already trashed the natural world that they used to call ‘home’.

And when the dog and cat slaughter is complete, it’ll be a real shame if the climate change sceptics turn out to be right.

The first step will be straightforward.  Feed the cats to the dogs.  Then we can monitor how it’s impacted our greenhouse emissions.

But we don’t have to destroy our cats and dogs.  We just let set them loose and see who survives.

By Wok

Warwick Holt is a highly experienced, award-winning screenwriter, who has written for many of Australia’s top comedians and presenters, and the Emperor of this here Media Empire.

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