That was a year, it was (GNW 23/11/09: monologue)

It was all happening in our quiet little corner of the world.    Dictatorship in Fiji, anti-govt riots in Thailand, terrorist training camps in Indonesia, recession in Japan, missile tests in North Korea, a new cold war between China & the U.S., & right next to it all… us!  The Indian-bashing, Sri Lankan-drowning, gollywog-impersonating good guys.

It was all happening in our quiet little corner of the world.    Dictatorship in Fiji, anti-govt riots in Thailand, terrorist training camps in Indonesia, recession in Japan, missile tests in North Korea, a new cold war between China & the U.S… and we were worried about whether Kevin had a free ute. / worried about an act on Red Faces.

China hinted we were racist, Sol Trujillo said it outright, the Indian media went crazy over racist attacks in Melbourne.  But we showed them – by staunchly rallying behind a lame golliwog pantomime, and then refusing to let any more of the darkies into our country.

Although, according to media reports, the dictatorship in Fiji is actually completely (mouth some words with no sound).

While we watched, Bainimarama turned Fiji into a total Bainimaramarama…

There were anti-government riots in Thailand, with the military quite happy to make the Red-shirts even redder…

There were anti-government riots in Thailand, led by a former prime minister.  Imagine what it must be like – a horde of angry bogans being led by a drunken Hawkie!

***

The world was shocked by the passing of Michael Jackson.  Who knew he was still alive?

The world was shocked by the passing of Michael Jackson.  Turns out the waxy plastic freak was still partly human.

Michael Jackson finally ran out of batteries…

Michael Jackson died, though it was how he would have wanted to go.  Young.

Michael Jackson achieved his wish to become the boy who never grew up, thanks to the miracle of myocardial infarction.

The world was horrified to discover he was taking bucketloads of drugs.  We all thought his insane freakish behaviour was natural!

His doctor was investigated for manslaughter.  But Michael Jackson wasn’t really a MAN was he?

His sister LaToya claimed he was murdered.  She thinkshe was hit by, he was struck by, a smooth criminal.

Of course, he’s not dead at all – he’s just “visiting Neverland”.

***

There was a new bully in town.  And that bully’s name was China.  They tried to tell us what we should do & who we could see, & when we didn’t listen, they locked up some of our mining executives.  Well if we won’t tackle our greenhouse emissions, they will. / And if we don’t reduce our greenhouse emissions, they’ll lock them ALL up.

There was a new bully in town.  And that bully’s name was China.  They tried to tell us what we should do & who we could see, & when we didn’t listen, they got grumpy and locked up some of our mining executives.  The Chinese are hoping that if they kidnap enough mining executives, they’ll be able to mine their own iron. Or at least melt down the prisoners.

There was a new bully in town.  And that bully’s name was China.  But really, what do you expect from people who invented the Chinese Burn?

***

The fight over climate change reached boiling point, with the govt. & opposition brawling over how many more billions in compensation they should give to the big polluters.  Climate change is the best reason ever to get into fossil fuel!

The fight over climate change reached boiling point, with the govt. & opposition brawling over the details of a trading scheme.  Don’t they realise – we can’t afford any more of their hot air!

The opposition threatened to vote against a flawed emissions trading scheme that they knew just wasn’t flawed enough.

Try as he might, Rudd couldn’t push through his emissions trading scheme.  So Julia suggested the All Bran Challenge.

Kevin Rudd’s emissions trading scheme created so much friction within the Coalition ranks that it’s actually added to global warming without even being passed.

Most of the Liberal Party loudly proclaimed that global warming was a myth.  The only MPs that believed it were the prospective leaders, although they also believed that they could win the next election.

Most of the Liberal Party loudly proclaimed that they didn’t believe in global warming.  And furthermore, they weren’t prepared to take action on Malcolm Turnbull until they had irrefutable scientific evidence that HE existed.

The National Party threatened to quit the Coalition & take the steam train home to their electorate of oblivion.  There’s no election rout that Barnaby Joyce can’t make worse.

Depending on who you believe, the ETS will cost jobs, create jobs, smash the economy, invigorate the economy, penalise polluters, reward polluters, hurt the planet, help the planet & attract more leaky boats fill of terrorist refugees.  Only one thing is for sure – it won’t get through Parliament, so we’ll never know.

Depending on who you believe, the ETS will cost jobs, create jobs, smash the economy, invigorate the economy, penalise polluters, reward polluters, hurt the planet, help the planet & attract more leaky boats fill of terrorist refugees.  In fact the only thing it definitely WON’T do is make any difference to emissions.

***

“Hey Hey It’s Saturday” proved it still had its finger on the pulse of good, old-fashioned entertainment, a finger also enjoyed by Kyle Sandilands.  And we’ll be back next year with Blackface Holocaust Teen-Rape News Week!

***

Environment Minister Peter Garrett approved a new uranium mine.  (sing) Nu-cle-ar power is his passion…

Environment Minister Peter Garrett approved a new uranium mine.  On his head.

Environment Minister Peter Garrett approved a new uranium mine. Next year he’ll open a powerplant that generates electricity from the fat of burning babies. (mime chucking baby into furnace) “Waaah – FOOF!”

Environment Minister Peter Garrett approved a new uranium mine. Next year he’ll open a Maccas on the top of Uluru. / a restaurant specialising in panda steaks. Yum!

Environment Minister Peter Garrett approved a new uranium mine.  Garrett’s discovered a new sense of renewable energy – the power of hypocrisy!

Environment Minister Peter Garrett approved a new uranium mine.  He also revealed that he’s been wearing a skull-cap all these years, and is actually quite coordinated.

Environment Minister Peter Garrett approved a new uranium mine.  Garrett has moved on from the Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament – the CND – and onto the Campaign for Undersigning Nuclear Treaties. (An acronym he now fully embodies.)

There were renewed calls for Australia to embrace nuclear power. Especially from the Radioactive Mutants Guild. They’re ever so lonely.

There were renewed calls for Australia to embrace nuclear power, because if there’s one thing we’ve learnt this year, it’s that we’ve got bugger-all sun and wind…

There were renewed calls for Australia to embrace nuclear power.  That’s if Victoria’s experiment in bushfire-power doesn’t turn out.

***

An estimated 5 million people tuned in to the final episode of “Master Chef”, making it one of the most-watched programmes in Australian television history.  Spin-offs quickly followed – watch out for “MistressChef” – it’s a real sadomasokitchen!

An estimated 5 million people tuned in to the final episode of “Master Chef”, making it one of the most-watched programmes in Australian television history.  Now everyone’s talking about “plating up” their pie and sauce. / their burger and chips at the bloody Hungry Jacks. / their chicken parmas.

An estimated 5 million people tuned in to the final episode of “Master Chef”, making it one of the most-watched programmes in Australian television history, and inspiring Australians to cook! Sure, it might be baked beans on toast, but check out the plating up!

***

Malcolm Turnbull’s rating as preferred Prime Minister hit 16%, worse than Brendan Nelson’s numbers when he was dumped as opposition leader.  Turnbull’s approval rating stayed so low, the Liberals starting looking at installing their 4th leader in 2 years.  Peter Costello retired safely, knowing he’d really dodged a bullet.

Malcolm Turnbull’s rating as preferred Prime Minister hit 16%, worse than Brendan Nelson’s numbers when he was dumped as opposition leader.  But he can still rest secure in the fact his forehead will never reach the same levels as Nelson’s.

Malcolm Turnbull’s rating as preferred Prime Minister hit 16%, worse than Brendan Nelson’s numbers when he was dumped as opposition leader.  Turnbull’s approval rating stayed so low, the Liberals starting looking at installing their 4th leader in 2 years, until they realised their choices were Tony Abbott and a cardboard cut-out of John Howard.  (And no-one could tell the difference.)

Malcolm Turnbull’s rating as preferred Prime Minister hit 16%, worse than Brendan Nelson’s numbers when he was dumped as opposition leader.  The Libs considered replacing him, but anyone they approached screamed and ran away.

Malcolm Turnbull’s rating as preferred Prime Minister hit 16%, worse than Brendan Nelson’s numbers when he was dumped as opposition leader.  In fact the only way to convert people into a Turnbull supporter was to offer them the Liberal leadership.

***

Telstra CEO Sol Trujillo courageously took the company’s share price into the toilet & pissed off the govt. while pocketing about $30 million of our money.  And they say the Mexicans are dim.

Before he left, he pocketed about $30 million of our money.  That’s one grand enchilada. / That enchilada’s going to be pretty bloody grand.

Sol finally said “Adios” this year, stopping only to call us racist & backward.  He’d had enough of being CEO of Telstra.  Especially all those call-centre Indians. / Then he pissed off himself, saying he’d had enough of racist, backward Australians, and especially those call-centre Indians.

***

It was a year of education.  We learnt the phrase “Global Financial Crisis”, as the International Monetary Fund announced the world economy was at a standstill, trade had collapsed & most developed countries were in deep recession.  Even better, we learnt that it was nothing that couldn’t be solved by letting American taxpayers give corrupt bankers lots of extra money!  Everybody wins!

It was a year of education.  We learnt the phrase “Global Financial Crisis”, as the International Monetary Fund announced the world economy was at a standstill,

trade had collapsed & most developed countries were in deep recession.  And not the kind of recess where you get playlunch and a go on the monkey bars.

Kevin Rudd announced his second stimulus package.  His first was when he was pissed in Scores strip club. / His first stimulus package was the reason he was kicked out of Scores strip club.

Kevin Rudd gave away over 41 billion dollars in one fell swoop.  And Therese is expecting us to pay it back, too.

Luckily Kevin Rudd’s $42 billion stimulus package seemed to avert our own recession.  His only other idea was to say “sorry” to the economy.

Thanks to Saint Kevin’s benevolence, Australia avoided a recession and we all still have the jobs we’re going to need to pay off the massive debt.

It was the biggest govt. giveaway in Australian history.   Quite frankly, he DESERVED that rusty old ute!

It was the biggest govt. giveaway in Australian history.   Clearly the first package had jackpotted.

***

The Cronulla Sharks taught us a new rugby league term: “team bonding”.  That’s when a mix of eight or nine men’s sperm forms an extra-strong adhesive.

The Cronulla Sharks taught us a new rugby league term: “team bonding”.  Apparently it has something to do with watching the naked arses of a lot of other large men go up & down whilst in New Zealand.  The team that scrums together, cums together.

The Cronulla Sharks taught us an alternate term for “gang-bang”: “scrum-cum”!

And the five-eighth didn’t mind being sloppy eighth.

The Cronulla Sharks taught us a new rugby league term: “team bonding”.  That’s what happens when you get watch each other get naked with an unconscious lady. / with a woman on Rohypnol.

Because there’s nothing more manly than surrounding yourself with other men’s naked arses and, somewhere in there, a single small frightened girl begging you to stop.

***

We also became acquainted with the name “Octo-Mum”, as a mother of 6 who had 8 more babies revealed that the father who donated the sperm for all 14 was shocked when he found out.  He thought he’d just been whacking off for FUN. / He didn’t even realise he’d been donating sperm.

According to Nadya Suleman, the father “didn’t know what to say.”  Although, really, it was a bit late for words by then.

According to Nadya Suleman, the father “didn’t know what to say.”  She suggested maybe “hello”. / “hello” was a good place to start.

According to Nadya Suleman, the father “didn’t know what to say.”  “Kill them all!” just seemed inappropriate.

According to Nadya Suleman, the father “didn’t know what to say.”  But that’s OK, because he’ll never get a word in again.

Nadya Suleman gave birth to octuplets and was dubbed “Octo-Mum”, probably due to her eight tentacles.  Though she said they were umbilical cords.

***

We discovered the latest terror sweeping the world was swine flu, a mutant strain of human, bird & pig flu.   And not Osama at all.

We discovered the latest terror sweeping the world was swine flu, a mutant strain of human, bird & pig flu.   Luckily, it mainly seemed to kill off mutant human bird-pigs.  (Which is actually a good thing.)

Swine flu came along, and promised to save us all from climate change, by wiping us out first.  You wouldn’t believe how many pigs I snogged before they told me you didn’t catch it that way.

There were calls for us all to wear face masks in public.  That way people with swine flu could be identified by drawing a little snout on the front.

There were calls for us all to wear face masks in public.  Not only to prevent swine flu, but also just coz some people are really fugly.

There were calls for us all to wear face masks in public, & the share price of the drug companies rocketed.  We very nearly had a swine-flu-led-recovery!

There were calls for us all to wear face masks in public, & the share price of the drug companies rocketed.  In fact it was only swine flu that stopped the world plunging into depression!  Yay swine flu!

America’s Centre for Disease Control said there was no evidence the disease was a biological weapon, but how they can be sure? Pig-bird-people flu sounds like the work of some evil terrorist mastermind to me… SWINE! / because let’s face it, “swine” is the sort of thing Batman would call his nemesis.

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