Now it’s illegal to be drunk in a bar (The Glass House 10/5/06)

Texan police are going undercover to arrest drunken patrons in bars, since public drunkenness laws still apply there. Now drunks have lost their wateringholes, pub owners are losing their businesses, and bouncers have no-one to beat the shit out of. And Texans are at a loss as to what to do with all the leftover peanuts.

To catch drunkards in bars they’re sending in undercover agents. And to catch really drunk patrons, they’re using under-the-table agents. And to catch paedophiles, they’re using under-agents.

This new crackdown on drunks in pubs began with the appointment of a new DA who really hates singalongs.

Sadly, Billy Ray Cyrus now has nowhere to play.

The birth rate in Texas has slumped now that everyone’s sober. Them Texans sure are ugly.

Now that drunkenness is being stamped out in bars, they’ll have to concentrate on their other lines of business. Yeah, they’re gunna make a fortune with only coin-operated breathalysers and peanuts.

It makes sense to get rid of drinking in bars here too; we’ve already got rid of trains at train-stations, and policies in parliament.

The state wants to detain drunks before they leave a bar and do something dangerous such as driving a car. Or eating McDonalds.

They’re also sending undercover agents into racing tracks to catch speeding drivers, and are arresting photocopiers for forgery.

The police are thinking of opening their own bar. That way they not only have a non-stop supply of drunkards, but they make a healthy profit on the booze!

In order to escape detection some drunkards are now dressing as policemen. But now no-one can tell the difference.

A great technique for arresting drunks is to find someone just under the legal limit, and buy them a few drinks…

They’re taking all the drunks out of bars and down to the police station. And now, the police bar is doing great!

Apparently drinking in a bar counts as “drinking in public” in Texan law. So now every night at the pub is a “Private Function”.

Now they’re prosecuting public drinking, there’s talk about banning sherrif hats, spurs, and lynchin’s.

George Dubya Bush was appalled. Who’s going to vote for him now?

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