The VOICE of fake jewellery (The Glass House 31/5/06)

A local group of desperate housewives have hatched a cunning scheme: they get their hubbies to buy them jewellery which they then swap for cheap fakes, pocketing the change. Unfortunately their scheme came undone when one of them traded in their hubby’s BMW for a cardboard copy. The husband spotted the ruse when he got a papercut changing a tyre…

The spare cash is apparently being squirreled away into a Running Away from Home fund. If they get enough cash together, instead of running away they might even be able to afford to drive.

The group call themselves VOICE, which stands for Victims Of Idiots who Control Everything. The husbands have started a counter-organisation called Unhappy Blokes In Totally Conned Hysterics, or U BITCH. / Their husbands have started a counter-organisation called I’m Onto You And Bought You a Fake, or I O U A BYF. / The husbands have set up a counter-organisation called Controllers Undermined by Nuptial Trinkets…

Of course, they could probably get half of their hubby’s money without needing to resort to these tricks, just by divorcing them. Though I guess then they’d be missing out on those lovely cubic zirconias!

But once they’ve run away from home, they’ve got no rich husband to buy them diamonds any more. A better idea is to stay with the rich husband and swap their diamonds for more rich husbands. Now that’s an investment strategy!

Some of the rich husbands actually know all about the scheme. It’s just that getting their wives to accumulate a “Running Away from Home” fund is so much cheaper than divorcing them…

Some of the rich husbands actually know all about the scheme. But getting their wives to accumulate a Running Away from Home fund is so much easier than shooting them in the head, cutting up the body, and dumping the pieces in the river. Believe me, I know.

The money goes to one of VOICE’s special funds. There’s the “Running Away From Home” fund, the “Supporting the Child You Had to the Gardener” fund, and the “It Costs a Lot for a Hitman These Days” fund…

Several enterprising VOICE members have gone the whole hog and made replicas of their husbands. They’re just waiting for the right moment to make the switch…

The shop where they get the copies made is called “Secrets Shhh”. We can’t tell you what else they stock, or even if they really exist at all…

Actually I hear the Queen’s picked up on the scheme. The Crown Jewels have been replaced by Cubic Zircrowny jewels. That’s right. Zircrowny.

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