Off-Field Footy Feistiness (The Glass House 14/6/06)

Football players of both AFL and NRL codes are taking the biff off-field, with assault charges being laid left right and centre. These guys should know that you’re not allowed to punch the public! Hip-and-shoulder only.

Fortunately one fight didn’t progress too far when a New Zealand rugby star broke up a fight by whacking his teammate with a handbag. So there’s your solution – all footballers out in public must be accompanied at all times by a bloke with a handbag.

The irony is, it’s usually blokes with handbags that cop the most abuse of all.

There ought to be a law against footballers assaulting people like this! Oh, that’s right, there is.

Why can’t footballers just take their lead from the greats of the past? People like Sam Newman… oh… right.

Why can’t footballers just take their lead from the greats of the past, like Rex Hunt? I mean, why beat up fans when you could pay them for sex instead?

Footballers are sick and tired of being targets of abuse by just anyone! They only want to be abused by the opposition, the coach and the commentators.

Don’t people realise? They’re only trying to communicate! One punch means “hello”, a bite on the arm means “I find you sexually attractive”, and a full hospitalisation means “Please don’t say that again”.

Seriously, why is everyone dissing these guys? They’re rugby players! Do you really expect them to deal with abusive fans by writing them an essay, debating the issue or even forming a coherent sentence?

Usually they just grunt. One grunt for “give me the ball”, two for “give me a beer” and three for “I find your comment unacceptable”…

A Parramatta Eels player even bit a woman at the pub. Well, how else was he going to find out what flavour she was? It’s rude to ask.

When a fan yelled “You’re playing on the wrong team, dickhead!” at Port Power ruckman Dean Brogan, Brogan responded by breaking the fan’s nose and spattering him with his own blood. Gotta hand it to him – that’s a pretty clever comeback.

The fan had to be pulled to the interchange bench due to the blood rule…

Brogan punched an abusive fan, breaking his nose and splattering him with his own blood. It was the best he’s played all season.

Brogan punched an abusive fan, breaking his nose and splattering him with his own blood. The fan was heard to be shrieking: “That’s more like it, ya wuss! (oof) If you’d played like that on Saturday, we might’ve won! (ugh) Ow, me nose!”

Footballers sometimes have difficulty distinguishing appropriate behaviour on and off the field. Sometimes when they’re just walking down the street they have to take a speccie over passers-by.

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