Wil and Corinne’s Monologues (The Glass House 14/6/06)

NON-WARLIKE

Australian soldiers fighting in the East Timor conflict have been told they aren’t due combat pay because the conflict isn’t “warlike” enough. Apparently, they’re just “on holiday” with guns.

The soldiers are pissed off that they’re not at war – now if they kill someone, it’s just plain old murder.

OK, so the East Timor “conflict” isn’t a war, the prisoners at Guantanamo Bay don’t need to be treated as POW’s because the War on Terror isn’t technically a war, and the Iraq War finished back in 2003 and we’re now just “mopping up the insurgency”… hang on, are any of our troops at “war”?

With all our troops engaged overseas in non-wars, if actual war ever breaks out, are we going to have anyone left to fight it?

Wives of the soldiers are said to be very relieved that their husbands aren’t at war. (check watch) “Though he’s normally home by now…”

Families of the soldiers are said to be very relieved that their loved ones aren’t really at war, and are looking forward to seeing all the holiday snaps when they get back.

New soldiers being shipped off to East Timor are being given a tearful non-seeing-off to the non-war.

Defence Minister Brendon Nelson suggested that their service was at “the very top end of non-warlike”. So it would presumably take just a small incident to tip the conflict into the “warlike” category – say for instance the brutal assassination of the Australian Defence Minister by a mob of angry soldiers…

Nelson’s also been downgraded just slightly from Defence Minister to The-Very-Top-End-Of-Non-Defence Minister.

Although the decision was driven by budgetary concerns, Peter Costello sympathised with the soldier’s plight – after all, he’s at “the very top end of non-Prime Ministerial”.

NASTY OLD POPE

The Pope has said that it is a “threat to the family” and an “eclipse of god” to support same-sex marriage or adoption, IVF treatments, or abortion. Nazis becoming popes is still OK but.

The Pope has sent a strong message against same sex marriage, emphasising that same sex relationships are only OK if at least one partner is a clergyman.

The Pope said that “a true family comes from the union of two people from different sexes”. Gay men and lesbians are allowed to have children – but only if they have them with one another…

4 PAGES OF IR JUSTIFICATION

The economic case used to justify the government’s workplace reforms is based on a document only 4 pages long. It’s in a pretty big font too. In fact it just reads: “1) Sack workers; 2) Rehire for less money; 3) Buy new Mercedes”.

The document reads: “Poor workers = rich bosses = re-elected government”, followed by three and a half pages of smiley faces.

The government admitted they hadn’t actually done any economic modelling as such on the effects of the IR laws. Their approach was more of a “suck it and see” one. We suck it and they’ll see.

The government admitted they hadn’t actually done any economic modelling as such on the effects of the IR laws. They were too busy coming up with a soothing guitar part for the ads.

The government admitted they hadn’t actually done any economic modelling as such on the effects of the IR laws. But they had done a lot of economic schmodelling.

GROWING HEARTS

Australian scientists have made a stunning medical breakthrough by growing a heart inside a living rat, opening the way for custom-made organs to be grown inside humans within ten years. Cool! I’m gonna get three new lungs and an extra spleen!

Australian scientists have made a stunning medical breakthrough by growing a heart inside a living rat. Now, call me dumb, but I thought hearts grew inside most living rats…

Australian scientists have made a stunning medical breakthrough by growing a heart inside a living rat. The most amazing part of all is exactly how the rat had been staying alive until then…

Australian scientists have made a stunning medical breakthrough by growing a heart inside a living rat. “Well, we think we grew it; we just kinda cut the rat open, and there it was!”

Peter Costello launched the new heart saying that his interest in the heart “proves that I have one”. It proves nothing of the sort Peter. In fact I find your interest in growing an artificial heart very suspicious… very suspicious indeed.

THE SHMENEVA CONVENTION

The Pentagon’s new detainee policy omits a key tenet of the Geneva Convention banning “humiliating and degrading treatment”. As Donald Rumsfeld said, “that’s the fun bit!”

If the US ban humiliating and degrading treatment of prisoners, they may even have to stop humiliating and degrading people in their own country. And then what is Dubya going to do all day?

Of course they have to allow the humiliating and degrading treatment of prisoners! Otherwise they’d have to admit Abu Ghraib wasn’t really okay…

LEDGER THE SOOK

Heath Ledger’s dad said that poor Heathie cried all night after the paparazzi squirted him with water. And you should see him after a Chinese Burn / nipple cripple / good sconning / wedgie.

He cried all night. It took that long to fill up his extra-large water pistol.

And after losing at the Oscars he pulled the heads off all his Barbie dolls.

WHALE ICE-CREAM

A Japanese company is using premium minke whale meat to make whale-flavoured ice-cream. But only for scientific purposes.

Mmmm! Tastes almost as good as sardine ice cream!

Existing ice-cream brands are cashing in on the idea: Paddle Pops now come in Flipper Pop flavour; there’s Golden WhaleTimes; Blowhole O’Bills; the ever-popular Choc Whale; and finally, you can get a real Eskimo Pie…

You’ve got to admire the Japanese – they’re willing to try almost any food. So long as it has at least some whale in it.

SEPARATE THE CEMETERIES AND BROTHELS AND SAVE US ALL A HEADACHE

Queensland councils want the state government to legislate against brothels being within 200m of cemeteries. Fair enough. The last thing you want when you’re wailing and moaning is to be interrupted by grieving families visiting the cemetery.

You shouldn’t have a cemetery and a brothel right next to each other! There should be at least a pub in between.

The plan has been popular with everyone except the Necrophiliacs Union and the Horny Zombies Guild.

Vampire hookers are pissed off. “I like to work from home…” / “But I need to be home before sunrise!”

I don’t see the problem. Families can quietly reflect on the passing of their loved ones, then pop in next door for a quick root!

The move comes after several state ministers visited the brothel, and came back complaining that their girl was far too unresponsive. And a bit mouldy.

But you can kill two birds with one stone – then just drag ’em next door and bury ’em.

US EMBASSY IN IRAQ

The new US Embassy in Iraq is the world’s largest, with its own electricity generator and water purifier. The only bit of Iraq that works is actually part of America.

At 42 hectares, the embassy’s the size of Vatican City and contains a beauty salon, gym, swimming pool, and recreation building. Now that’s what I call democracy.

Gee, it’s so much better now that that crazy tyrant Saddam isn’t wasting all the country’s resources on overblown palaces…

As a White House spokeman said: “It’s so much better now that Saddam isn’t wasting all the country’s resources on his overblown palaces! Hey, and check this out – we’ve got gold-plated machine-guns!”

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