Glass House

Heaveno (The Glass House 21/6/06)

An American Christian group has decided the word ‘hello’ is a Satanic greeting, and has launched a campaign to replace it with the more Godly ‘Heaveno’. They’re also replacing ‘Goodbye’ with ‘Godbewithyou’ and ‘How you doing?’ with ‘All praise the Lord Almighty, Hallelujah you doing.’

‘Hello’ will be ‘heaveno’, shells will be ‘sheavens’, and ‘devilled eggs’ are now to be renamed ‘angelled eggs’.

…and hell is being renamed ‘heaven’…

Helen Keller is now Heavenen Keavener.

AC/DC are re-releasing their classic track, Heaven’s Beavens

They’ve also decided that, since ‘live’ is ‘evil’ spelt backwards, it should be replaced with ‘doog’.

Since ‘lived’ is ‘devil’ spelt backwards, it should be replaced with ‘angel’ backwards. As in ‘if you haven’t seen The Glass House, you haven’t really legna.’

Every time you say ‘hello’, you’re actually performing a little Satanic-o mass-o.

‘Jello’ is also said to be on very dodgy moral ground, the colour ‘yellow’ is instant damnation, and don’t even think of using the greeting ‘Beelzebye!’

Satanists are rapt discover ‘hello’ is really satanic. It turns out they actually have so many followers that many English-speaking countries will be forced to switch their national religion to Satanism. Didn’t see that coming did you, crazy Christians?

So next time someone says ‘hello’ to you, the only response is to STAB THEM THROUGH THE HEART WITH A WOODEN STAKE!

Shaking hands is also reminiscent of the devil striking a deal for your soul, so from now on good Christians have to just hang your arms out like you’re on a cross and twitch your fingers. (Demonstrate.)

Satan is said to be relieved at the move. Frankly, with everyone who ever said hello being sent his way, he was starting to run out of room.

You may laugh now, but when you’re burning in eternal fire, you’ll regret your sinful life of friendly greetings!

Another solution to constantly mentioning hell is to just never speak again. I wish they’d thought of that one before inventing WHOLE NEW STUPID FUCKING WORDS.

Other commonplace words they’re banning: ‘pistol’, ‘titillate’, ‘cochlear’, ‘country’, and ‘arsedickbazoonga’.

A rival Christian organization has said that ‘heaveno’ is blasphemous. Apparently, God won’t be happy until we just shut up.

That’s why McDonald’s workers are forced to say ‘Hello’ to their customers – it’s a satanic curse. Much like their food. / And ‘have a nice day’ actually means ‘may you eternally burn in Satan’s fire’. Those Christians: so funny, and educational too.

It’s all in the Bible: ‘And lo, When the name of the Forbidden Place shalt be used as Common Greeting, then shalt the Christian Dickheads unite in Stupid Causes’.

By Wok

Warwick Holt is a highly experienced, award-winning screenwriter, who has written for many of Australia’s top comedians and presenters, and the Emperor of this here Media Empire.

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