All the news that’s fit for Wil (The Glass House 28/6/06)

IMMIGANTS STAY AWAY

It’s an all-in brawl amongst the Libs over whether or not to process asylum seekers on Nauru. Wilson Tuckey was disgusted that some of his colleagues might want “people from all over the world” living in their street. They like to keep it nice and pure over there in White Supremacist Avenue.

Tuckey doesn’t want “people from all over the world living in my street! Now excuse me, I’m off to have a cappuccino and a couple of dim sims.”

And I mean, where will it stop? Soon creatures from any old galaxy will be allowed in to your local butchers. And then the terrorists will have won.

WA Liberal Don Randall labelled the dissidents “anarchists”, and said he didn’t want to lose his seat thanks to these “moderates”. They must be “moderate anarchists” – they don’t want to smash the state, just give it a gentle nudge.

No, we wouldn’t want moderates to have any say in policy. It’s extremists or nothin’!

So the Howard Government hates extremists and moderates. That only leaves the barelys!

Look, asylums are for mad people, right? So before we accept any asylum seekers, we have to make them fit for an asylum – and nothing works better than serious mental torture.

WELL HE LOOKED INSURGENT TO ME

Aussie trade with Iraq is under threat after Australian security guards opened fire on the Iraqi Trade Minister’s bodyguards, killing one and injuring others. It was an understandable mistake – after all, the insurgents are all Iraqis too.

The soldier didn’t mean to shoot the Trade minister’s bodyguard, but he’s been having problems with his gun – it kicks back.

Well, hey, he was a bodyguard of an Iraqi minister. He was doomed anyway.

It’s always the bad news stories from Iraq that get all the coverage. The soldier who accidentally shot himself, the soldiers who accidentally shot the Trade Minister’s boyguards… why don’t we ever get to hear about all the people that we slaughtered correctly?

MPs SHOULD GO MINING

Junior MPs are complaining that they’re being ripped off by the new superannuation scheme, one warning that they could earn more “working in the mines”. Great! How soon can we get them all underground?

Question Time – Live from Beaconsfield!

With the amount Brant and Todd earnt for their escapade, virtually anyone can earn more working in the mines these days. Especially if they crap in a hat.

Finally the Lower Chamber could live up to its name.

PORN FILTERS FOR ALL

The government has announced that every Aussie family will be provided with a free Internet porn filter. Yeah sure, that’s great for most people, but what about families who want their kids to break into kiddie porn?

The best part is if you set the filter to reverse, you get nothing but the filthiest porn available!

Mr and Mrs Arsetit are horrified – now no-one will be able to browse their website.

It’s said to be a big blow for owners of the English-style pub “The Cock and Tit”.

At the announcement a 6 year old girl was used to demonstrate how easy the software was to use – although unfortunately she called up a list of banned words. The software has now been modified: turn it on now, and it immediately blocks itself, goes into a loop and blows up your computer.

The list of banned words brought up by the 6-year-old included “cock, bum, tit, boob, and breast”. The Australian Government wants to add other offensive words to the list, like “refugee”, “human rights” and “sorry”.

EMERGENCY PACKS

Sydney workers have been told to prepare “emergency packs” in case of terrorist attack. They should include a copy of the Koran, the Torah, the Bible and the Book of Mormon for any last-minute conversions.

Unless these packs include a vial of morphine and a blowjob, they aren’t worth shit.

If only they’d had emergency packs at the World Trade Centre they could have… er… unpacked them. As they plummeted to their DOOM.

Different companies have different things in their kits: the ACME pack includes a giant rocket to strap to your back, a pair of roller-skates, and a little gun that shoots out the word “Help!”, while the McEmergency Pack comes with two all beef patties and a tiny cheap plastic terrorist.

BLUNT AWAKENING

A 5 year-old girl in Manchester has come out of a coma after the radio played James Blunt’s “You’re Beautiful”. Her parents said they were convinced the song had helped her pull through. Apparently her first words were “Will you turn that shit off, I’m trying to coma!”

They had previously tried playing her all sorts of songs, like “I Want to Be Sedated” and “Comfortably Numb”, but only the Blunt worked. If that hadn’t roused her, they were going to have to try “The Comacabana”…

Unfortunately, as soon as they played it, the rest of the ward fell into a coma.

The choice of Blunt’s single was quite deliberate. They thought they’d try reverse psychology, and play THE MOST BORING SONG THEY COULD FIND.

MILAT’S SANDWICH

Ivan Milat has threatened suicide after having his TV and sandwich maker taken away from him. He had been given the items due to good behaviour – apparently since he’s been in jail he hasn’t killed any backpackers.

That’s the first time I’ve heard of anyone threatening suicide because they lost their sandwich maker. That Milat – I think maybe he’s not quite right. / He sounds like a bit of a weirdo to me.

KRISPY KREMES FOR ALL
50 Victorian schools have signed up to sell Krispy Kreme doughnuts as fundraisers. The US chain are offering to provide the kids with doughnuts, severe obesity, and clogged arteries – all at bargain prices.

There are concerns that Krispy Kreme may not be that good for kids’ health. Or their spelling.

Well, how else are schools going to get money? The Government?

As well as Krispy Kremes, schools are offering Lumpy Lamingtons and Putrid Pies. Mmmmm, put me down for a dozen!

Maybe it’s just me, but if I open my fridge and find crispy cream, I throw it out!

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