Rogues Gallery (The Glass House 12/7/06)

Kim Beazley points out his head
– Kim Beazley squeezes the world’s biggest zit – his head.
– “Sure I’ve got a ticker – it’s this bit here, isn’t it?”
– Kim Beazley tries out his new stand-up comedy routine: “If you punched me here, I’d be the Opposition Bleeder! Eh? Eh?”
– “Hey voters! Here I am!”
– “Look! I do have a head.”
– “I’m fat, huh? Well, you pick your nose and eat it!”
– “Everyone, point to the leader of the party! It’s me!”
– “First person to point to the leader of the opposition gets a pay rise!”
– Beazley tries to turn his frown upside-down – manually.
– That’s better Kim – hold them there and people might think you’re smiling.

Alan Jones, high trousers and a vanity bag
– We had a really funny joke for this but we can’t broadcast it because the ABC board says it will result in a commercial loss.
– Alan Jones: still the king of style.
– Alan’s got good trousers for radio.
– Just one of the sensational pictures that caused the ABC board to can the Alan Jones book – Alan goes to the bathroom!
– Jones in toiletries shock!
– Don’t you dare suggest Alan’s gay or he’ll slap you with his handbags.
– I can’t see why anyone would ever suspect Alan Jones of doing anything gay.
– That pastel-coloured jumper draped round his neck is very heterosexual.
– Don’t call it a “dilly bag” or he’ll whack you with it.
– Gollum as an old man.

Costello meets the islanders
– Smiles all round before the “White devil with forked tongue” is sacrificed and eaten.
– Peter Costello in ceremonial dress.
– As usual, Costello fails to dress for the occasion.
– Solomon Islanders build scarecrow: scares away everything.
– John Howard forgets to mention it’s a one-way ticket.
– Howard’s plan works perfectly – “And don’t come back!”
– “Hurry up and take the photo before the nig nogs attack me!”
– “And he thinks we look funny!”
– Our Treasurer trades dollars for a small dead shrub.
– Solomon Island natives give Peter Costello the sacrificial bush of Nboto.

Princess Mary trampolining
– “…and that’s how we got pregnant!”
– Barefoot bogan claims she’s “really a princess”…
– After midnight, Princess Mary turns back into a bumpkin.
– Princess Mary pops one of Prince Harry’s special pills…
– Mary demonstrates the traditional dance of Tasmanian Bogan.
– You can take the girl out of Tasmania, but you can’t stop her being a bogan.
– Princess Mary gettin’ jiggy wid it.
– One day she hopes to be Dancing Queen…
– Princess Mary practises her moves for The Matrix 4.
– The new Matrix movie: The Matriarx!
– That Princess Mary – she’s so dignified, isn’t she?
– Princess Mary has a novel way of avoiding the paparazzi.

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