Monologue material for Show 200 (The Glass House 26/7/06)

PETER COSTELLO’S SCHOOLBOY LARKING

Peter Costello admits he was a bit of a larrikin at school, always doing his homework in the last hour before it was due. And to be honest, he copied that last Budget off the guy sitting next to him.

Costello admitted he finds it difficult to plan in advance. Shame that now he has to do that for the entire country.

Costello’s not getting any better at planning in advance – he’s just spent twelve years practising for a job that he’ll never get.

Costello admits he spent too much time “running around and playing games and having fun. And pretending to be Prime Minister.”

Costello said, “I just can’t plan in advance – that’s why the budget’s always so shoddy. Can I have my playlunch back now?”

“It’s not fair – Mr Howard says I have to write the budget out 100 times on the blackboard before I get to be PM.”

At school, Costello got top marks in economics and smirking, but didn’t do so well in humanities…

Costello admitted he’s always preferred having fun to doing his homework. “Lucky I’ve got parliamentary staff to do my work. Leaves more time for calling fatty Kimbo names.”

TAKE YOUR COAT, BAHHSS?

Indigenous Affairs Minister Mal Brough wants to “showcase” Aborigines at five star hotels across Australia. Brough says they could be trained as receptionists, concierges and waiters to give foreign visitors the chance to meet indigenous Australians. And if the tourists like their work, they can buy them to take them home to work pickin’ cotton.

As part of the “showcase”, they’ll get to sing traditional Aboriginal songs, like “Mammee” and “Old Man River”.

No, it’s not demeaning for indigenous Australians to be subservient to white people – it’s a “showcase”!

If we want foreign tourists to meet indigenous Australians, we shouldn’t have killed most of them and then stolen their children!

The trouble with having indigenous waiters and bartenders in your restaurant is that you just know some bigger restaurant is going to steal them…

Brough’s got a whole list of other jobs he’d like Aborigines to fill, from opening his mail right through to fetching his slippers.

Brough has encouraged classy hotels to stock up on petrol supplies to act as a lure. “When they come close enough, you can net ’em!”

Brough also proposed a Chinese showcase, full of rickshaws and people going “Me Chinese, me play joke, me do wee-wee in your Coke!”

STEMMING THE CELLS

George Dubya Bush has used his Presidential veto for the first time to block a bill freeing-up funding for embryonic stem cell research. He prefers idiotic stem cell research.

Bush made it clear he was strongly opposed to funding the destruction of unborn children. It’s not until they’re born into sin that they make legitimate targets for clusterbombing.

Unused embryos shouldn’t be used for medical research! They should be just thrown out in the rubbish!

Bush said that stem cell research “crosses a moral boundary that our decent society needs to respect. Now, back to bombing people!”

Announcing the move, Bush surrounded himself with dozens of small babies. Or as he prefers to call them, “human shields”.

It was a relief for Bush to get back from all the heavy talk at G8 to a meeting of like-minded toddlers.

Bush surrounded himself with a bunch of babies who he said “wouldn’t be here” if their stem cells are taken. It looked better than giving his speech in a dumpster of rotting embryos.

Dubya doesn’t want embryos injured, because he relates to them so much.

Bush said, “Save the embryos today so they can be thrown out tomorrow. And save the Parkinsons sufferers from being cured, so I can keep laughing at them wobble! Heh.”

NOOKIE LESSONS

A leading sex educator says parents should talk to their children about the facts of life “very, very early” to ensure they have “enjoyable sex”, rather than drunken nights they can’t remember. Come on – drunken nights that I can’t remember are some of my fondest memories!

Of course kids should be taught this stuff early on. You know how many years of my life I spent trying to have sex with storks? And you don’t want to know what happened with the bees…

Of course kids should be taught this stuff early on. You know how many years of my life I spent trying to root cabbages?

A leading sex educator says parents should talk to their children about the facts of life “very, very early” to ensure they have “enjoyable sex”, although not necessarily with them.

A leading sex educator says parents should talk to their children about the facts of life “very, very early” to ensure they have “enjoyable sex”, or you could slip a couple of rowies in their milk and they won’t care if it’s enjoyable or not. / and they won’t feel a thing.

Don’t worry, kids, being told this stuff early doesn’t mean you can’t have drunken nights later on.

I remember fondly when my dad told me the facts of life. “Well son, one night your mother and I went out and got totally hammered. Then nine months later you were born!”

A leading sex educator says parents should talk to their children about the facts of life “very, very early” to ensure they have “enjoyable sex”, rather than drunken nights they can’t remember. But do you really want to remember all those drunken nights?

Parents should talk to their children about the facts of life “very, very early” to ensure they have “enjoyable sex”, according to a leading sex educator. Mr Baldy’s taking prac. / Michael Jackson’s helping with homework.

WORMS IN YOUR PIPELINE

$100,000 is being spent to preserve a colony of 5 metre long earthworms during work on a gas pipeline in Eastern Victoria. They’re hoping if they can preserve enough of them they can string them together to make the next pipeline.

A worm expert will have to be present at all times, and all workers on the site will be trained to identify the worms. That’ll be some intensive training session. “They’re bloody big. And they look like a worm!”

The biggest difficulty isn’t cutting through the worms, it’s mistaking them for the pipeline. One worker reportedly spent days trying to repair a gas leak that turned out to be a giant worm fart.

But it’s not the giant worms that are the real problem; it’s the giant early birds.

SPREE OF THE CREDIT CARD VARIETY

Aussies have racked up a record $16.5 billion on credit cards in the last year. And only 12 billion of that went on petrol.

FRENCH CYCLISTS ARSEHOLE-POSITIVE

Seven times Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong is in trouble for saying the French World Cup team “tested positive for being assholes”. The test involves getting a stool sample… and seeing which orifice it comes out of.

He said the French team tested positive for “being assholes”, and that “anyone who plays soccer is a dickhead”.

But the media’s got it wrong: he’s not anti-French, he’s anti-soccer!

ELECTRIC PYTHON AND OTHER 70s BANDS

A 3.6 metre long python swallowed an entire electric blanket, complete with the cord and control box. It would have taken him six hours to swallow – but now he’s toasty and warm!

Now he just plugs the python in when he gets home: it’s like a scarf, an electric blanket, and a 4 metre long killing machine, all rolled into one!

To prevent it happening again, authorities have imposed a blanket ban.

The owner is much happier now – he’s got the warmest python in town!

G8 CONTROL THE WEATHER

Russian plans to modify the weather for the G8 apparently didn’t work. Like I always say, never put the KGB in charge of your weather-machines!

The weather was good for the morning, but all their bad weather was accidentally sent to Indonesia…

After all, they had to have nice weather for the presentation on Climate Change!

And what better way to prove that Climate Change is real than by changing the climate?

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