Monologue meat for Corinne! (The Glass House 9/8/06)

ASYLUM-SEEKER HOUSING IS TOPS

Amanda Vanstone claims new accommodation at Villawood Detention Centre is better housing than many Australians enjoy. Yes – and they’re all indigenous people. / Which just goes to show how bad indigenous housing really is.

“I mean, you’ve got security, you’ve got people to cook and clean for you; and just look at the quality of this razor wire!”

It’s true – hardly anyone I know has razor wire of their own.

I dunno – whack a bit of razor wire up at my place, it’d be nearly as good as Villawood. All I need are a couple of hunger-strikers and I could go on Better Camps and Prisons.

FREQUENT ASYLUM POINTS

Asylum detainees can now earn “points” for playing sport and taking English lessons, which they can trade for soft drinks and phone cards. They’re called Frequent Wire points.

Earn enough points and you can trade them in for a free flight back to where you came from.

It’s just like Monopoly! Although without the “Get out of jail free” card.

I NEVER SAID INTEREST RATES WOULDN’T GO UP

John Howard says that he never claimed that interest rates wouldn’t rise under the Coalition. Yeah, he also didn’t say they’d go up 7 times in a row. Which is lucky – because it’s more likely to be 9 or 10.

Actually, interest rates went up four times before the last election – so we must’ve voted him in on his sensible foreign policies / his spotless record of honesty.

Howard said that what he did say was that interest rates would be lower under the Coalition, which he still claims is “undoubtedly true”. Because as Johnny’s said so many times, he doesn’t deal in hypotheticals.

Unfortunately Johnny’s had to admit that interest rates are actually out of the government’s control; but they’re undoubtedly lower than they would be if they were out of a Labor government’s control.

Howard says that he never promised interest rates wouldn’t rise, he just promised that he’d keep them “at historically low values”, which he says they still are. Of course, they’re historically low! They’re just higher than they were in the past…

“I never lie! Oh, except that.”

Howard claims that interest rates rose to over 17% under the ALP, conveniently ignoring the fact that interest rates were over 20% when he was Treasurer. So just another thing Howard “hasn’t lied” to us about… / Horseshit, anyone?

GIVE HOWARD A CALL ON PETROL

Howard says anybody who has a way to make petrol cheaper should give him a call. “If anyone says there’s some magical solution to the high price of petrol in Australia, will you please ring the Lodge & I’ll spend an hour, all ears, listening to them.” But he conveniently forgot to leave us his phone number.

An hour! That’s enough time to say “cut fuel excise” eighteen hundred times! Who wants to call first?!

Hey Johnny, I know how to make fuel cheaper – lower the price.

If only he’d asked a few years ago I could have told him to NOT FUCK UP IRAQ. That would leave 59 and three-quarter minutes for him to tell Bush to stick it.

The thing is, about three years ago, about a million of us did tell Howard how to make sure oil prices didn’t go up – DON’T INVADE IRAQ! If only we’d phoned instead!

Could Corinne actually really call the lodge? We can imagine much hilarity ensuing, even if she only gets a message machine… Several suggestions are: Cut fuel excise, eliminate GST on petrol, convert to electric power engines, invest in alternative fuels, subsidise public transport, win the war in Iraq, reverse-engineer alien spacecraft, develop warp drive technology, make everything free, etc.

FUEL TAX CREDIT FOR EXPLOSIVES

The Federal Government now allows you to claim a fuel tax credit if you’re using diesel in the manufacture of explosives. Though napalm is also acceptable.

Yeah, great way to deter terrorists: give them a tax break.

Al Qaida are relieved. That tax bill was really starting to bite.

The Federal Government now allows you to claim a fuel tax credit if you’re using diesel in the manufacture of explosives. Or if you’re using it to drown puppies.

ABBOTT BY NAME, A BUTT BY NATURE

Health Minister, His Holiness Tony Abbott, has attacked embryonic stem cell research again. “There are some things that scientists should not do, just as there are some things politicians should not do.” In Tony Abbott’s case, opening his mouth.

Abbot says that embryonic stem cell research is a slippery slope to human cloning. “I saw Attack of the Clones; I know what can happen. And I never want Australia to be the victim of such hackneyed dialogue.” / And I never want Australia to be the victim of such cardboard acting.”

Yeah Abbot’s right; you let scientists research on stem cells and soon they’re cloning whole human beings. And before you know it, we’ve got giant killer robots with laser eyes burning down our cities! NOOOOOOO!

Abbott’s trying to convince Howard and Bush into declaring a War on Science so he can lock up all those meddlesome evil scientists.

OUR NEXT PM IS A SMIRKER EITHER WAY

BEAZLEY: “Next Prime Minister of this nation will be me.” (UGLY SMIRK)
With a smirk like that, Kim, perhaps you’re the next Treasurer… / the next Peter Costello.

BLAIR THINKS WE’RE LOSING HEARTS AND MINDS

Tony Blair has admitted that the British and US emphasis on military power has left the West losing the battle for hearts and minds in the Middle East. Although they have done very well in winning hearts and minds that are detached from bodies.

Although they’re winning the battle for blowing up the hearts and minds of the Middle East.

They’re not winning the hearts and minds, but they’re sure freeing a lot of souls.

They’re not winning the hearts and minds, but they’re winning a lot of bloodied limbs.

Apparently Al Qaeda have broken into the US camp and made off with their secret stash of hearts and minds.

HOLYWAR ON THE GOLD COAST

The Australian army are building a movie set in Queensland, complete with explosions and special effects, to ready soldiers for urban warfare. It’s called Holy War on the Gold Coast!

It seems that what we really need in Iraq is someone to just yell “Cut!”

Coz there’s nothing more realistic than Hollywood…

You don’t need to go to Queensland to simulate a realistic “battle atmosphere” – what’s wrong with Cronulla?

THE WILLING STONES

The Rolling Stones have been forced to reveal the extent of their financial affairs and tax evasion, because they’re making their wills. Keith Richards has also been forced to reveal that he’s actually been dead for fourteen years. / And, according to the documents, Keith Richards has actually been dead for fourteen years.

They couldn’t avoid making their wills any longer; Keef’s life-preservation spell is starting to wear off.

“I leave my offshore Cayman Islands fund to Jerry, my Swiss Bank Account to Marianne, and my kids can have all the proceeds of my investments into secret alien technology.”

To commemorate the occasion, they’re re-releasing their old songs “Jumpin’ Tax Cash”, “(I Can’t Get No) Tax Evasion”, and “You Can’t Always Tax What You Want”. As well as their classic album “Exile on Wall Street”…

ANTI-DEPRESSANT PERFUME

The world’s first anti-depressant perfume – called “Smiley” – has just gone on sale in the UK. Others in the range include “Dopey”, “Grumpy”, “Bashful” and “Doc”. Mmmm… sexy.

The perfume contains chemicals that actually make you happy. The same company also produces a perfume called “Gullible”, which makes you sexy, rich and intelligent…. (Go on, try some!)

It’s about time. I’m sick of all those perfumes that plunge you into a fit of despair. Some days, it just doesn’t seem worth spraying them on.

I’ve been using “Shitty” for years. And let me tell you, it really works!

UNBORROWABLE DISEASES

A library in Victoria is putting a sticker with this message on some of its stock: “Books must be immediately returned in the event of any outbreak of any infectious disease in the house in which the borrower is residing.” Granted, they’re only putting the stickers on the books in the “How to Recover from Infectious Diseases” section…

Books stickered include “Anthrax for Fun and Profit”, “How to Distill Smallpox” and “Black Plague is the New Black… Plague”.

Now if you catch a disease off a library book, you’ll know it’s a biological attack!

ANYTHING ELSE THAT CAUGHT OUR EYE

A barbed hook. Very nasty indeed. That’s why all this week’s jokes have no depth perception.

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