High-rise lifeboats (Trophy cut from The Glass House 13/9/06)

Fears of cyclones hitting the Gold Coast could mean that all new unit blocks could come equipped with compulsory lifeboats. And everyone buying an apartment has to wear floaties at all times.

An alternative plan is for everyone to just wear stilts.

Why not just build apartments that are boats? You could make them like huge inflatable bouncy-castles!! How grouse is that?! And safe too – imagine falling down the stairs – (boing) whee! (boing) whee!

Peter Beattie said the Gold Coast is “Australia’s equivalent to New Orleans”. Must be all the crawdaddy and chitlins.

Peter Beattie said the Gold Coast is “Australia’s equivalent to New Orleans”. I guess – New Orleans has it’s rich heritage of music and cuisine, and the Gold Coast has a rich heritage of T-shirt shops and souvenir stands.

It will also be compulsory to install hoses in case of fire, insect repellent in case of locust plague, food in case of famine, and tinfoil hats in case of alien mind control. You just can’t be too careful.

They haven’t identified where exactly the lifeboats should be placed… Can I suggest the attic? Coz when the tsunami hits you, you don’t want to be scrambling around trying to find the lifeboats in your basement. / cellar. / underground bunker.

They should hang them outside every window. That way no matter how high the waves get, there’s going to be a lifeboat ready to sail away. And in the meantime they can be used as lovely window boxes. I’m just full of good ideas.

Lifeboats outside every window is a great idea – if you’re on level one or two. But for the people on level 15, not so good: it’s not the flooding that kills them, but the falling fourteen storeys down.

Due to the high likelihood of cyclones, the Gold Coast is being downgraded to the Bronze Coast. And the Great Barrier Reef is now the Adequate Barrier Reef / the Sure It’s Not The Greatest Reef In The World But You’re Lucky To Get Any Reef At All Stop Your Whinging.

If a cyclone does hit, it’ll be a boon for future treasure hunters… “Legend speaks tales that deep beneath the briny there be a whole Coast of Gold! Ahar!”

Fears of cyclones hitting the Gold Coast could mean that all new unit blocks could come equipped with compulsory lifeboats. They float better than compulsory deathboats.

All new unit blocks should come equipped with compulsory lifeboats. And for the upper tenants, parachutes.

Floors ten and up are going to be fitted with parachutes, five and up fitted with lifeboats, and the lower floors are only leased out if you present a Safe Swimmer Certificate.

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