Quick officer – to the donkey! (The Glass House 13/9/06)

The South African Minister of Safety and Security has suggested that police officers without access to a car should ride a bicycle or a donkey to crime scenes. “Hurry Constable – to the donkey!”

The resource-strapped police force is having difficulty coping with South Africa’s huge rates of murder and rape, among the highest in the world. Yeah, murderers and rapists are really going to toe the line if they know the donkey’s after ’em.

Police donkeys are especially useful for drug-busts: they can always spot the mules.

It’s pretty bad in the back of a divvy-van, but way better than being shoved in the back of a donkey…

To help, they’ve suggested criminals also use donkeys for their get-aways. Fair’s fair.

It’s hard on the donkeys too. All the way to the crime scene, they have to keep braying “eeyore eeyore eeyore…”

One disadvantage is that donkeys have a lower survival rate when running red lights. Even with the siren on!

Unfortunately, the rates of donkey-theft have skyrocketed.

Donkeys make excellent police vehicles, especially for chasing stolen carrot-trailers. / for chasing carrot-thieves.

Unfortunately having a donkey for a police-car means you only get a chicken for a siren.

Superintendents get to ride horses, chief constables get donkeys, and regular officers are only given upside-down brooms. (mime riding horse) “Neigh!”

The regular officers get donkeys, the chief constables get horses, but only the Chief Inspector gets a unicorn.

South African cricket crowds are now chanting out “You’re going home in the back of a divvy-donkey!”

There are frequent complaints about long delays between reporting a crime and police arriving at the scene. But that’s just because reporting a crime is done by pigeon. / But that’s because the police radio works by pigeon.

Officers on short donkeys can only arrest prisoners if they get off their high horse…

South African fire engines are now being replaced by giraffes, and ambulances by fully-equipped hippopotami.

They’ve been told to ride donkeys or bicycles to save money. With the jails overcrowded too, the Minister suggested they should just chain criminals to lampposts with bike locks.

When arrested by a cop on a bike, hardened criminals get a dink straight to prison. / criminals have to ride in the basket.

“You’re under arrest!” (bike bell) ding ding! / “Stop or I’ll shoot!” (bike bell) ding ding!

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