Monolgue fodder (The Glass House 20/9/06)

VANSTONE VS BEAZLEY

Amanda Vanstone has accused Kim Beazley of being racist. She also accused him of being overweight, irritating and wearing ugly dresses.

Beazley has backed the Shadow Immigration Minister’s comments on temporary migration workers from “Bombay, Beijing and Beirut” undercutting “Aussie” workers. But he’s not really being racist – it’s more wageist. Kim just reckons all poor people are scumbags.

Vanstone points out that Labor have commented on workers coming in from “Bombay, Beijing and Beirut” but not “Bristol, Blackpool and Birmingham”. Right on, Amanda. If you’re going to be racist, stick it to the whinging Poms first.

The PM has said that most people on temporary work visas were British. Though that’s only till the Ashes are over.

Vanstone warns Beazley it’s a mistake to try to woo the small racist population: those guys are hardcore Liberals. / he’ll never get the Young Liberal vote.

Detained refugees have asked that both Vanstone and Beazley shut up and just let them out.

I want to see Vanstone and Beazley solve this dispute in the appropriate way – jelly-wrestling! But you’re not allowed to eat it, guys.

HOWARD LOVES TV

The PM has given Aussie TV a big pat on the back on the occasion of its 50th birthday, saying “it’s a wonderful medium for the sick and the lonely”. Come on Johnny, that’s no way to talk about Eddie McGuire.

“It’s a wonderful medium for the sick and the lonely – they can write for Neighbours.”

Howard added, “it’s impossible to imagine what life would be like without television. I mean, books haven’t got any ads whatsoever!”

Howard added, “it’s impossible to imagine what life would be like without television.” This is coming from someone whose policies date from before television…

Howard added, “it’s impossible to imagine what life would be like without television. It’d be ghastly: people talking to each other, playing games with their children, gardening, going for walks – ugh!”

Howard: “If it weren’t for TV, who’d hear me lie?” / who’d see me in my tracksuit?”

“I don’t think there’s better quality free-to-air television than is to be found in Australia. Shame, really.” / In other countries, it’s even worse.”

“I don’t think there’s better quality free-to-air television than is to be found in Australia. It’s the only country that has me on the news every night!”

“I like the programs where they show shots of me walking in a tracksuit. Makes me feel like a sporting hero!”

“Of all the things that television has done well, none of it has it done better than its coverage of sport. Especially Wide World Of Pollies in Tracksuits”.”

Howard thinks the current free-to-air TV is just fantastic! Hooray! New digital channels for everyone! Huzzah! By the way, there’s an election next year…

“I don’t think there’s better quality free-to-air television than is to be found in Australia. I mean, we’ve got Big Brother! Some countries can only afford Little Brother, and in the third world they have to make do with Only Child.”

“I love TV, I love video, I even love the remote-control – or as I call him, Mr Bush.”

Howard reckons Australian TV is fantastic. “You know, Tony Blair, even Mr Bush, both get a hard time from their media about Iraq – but you guys are pushovers!”

Howard reckons Australia has the best free-to-air TV in the world. In fact if they could just get rid of that Glass House program it’d be near perfect.

iPOD IS IN DA HOUSE

Liberal MP Jackie Kelly has been sprung listening to her iPod during Question Time. She claimed that they weren’t headphones in her ears; they were just two little Mr Speakers.

The Speaker, David Hawker, was perplexed about whether the media player was allowed. What a hopeless Mr Speaker! They should get up-to-date and replace him with Mr Headphone / Earbud / Subwoofer.

She claims she was just listening to some great Parliamentary debates which she’d downloaded…

She was actually skipping tracks to get to her Midnight Oil songs. “My question’s for the Honourable Member for Kingsford-Smith: would you do that dance for me?” (Garrett electrified dance)

After her Dancing with the Stars appearances, she’s spending more time on her music career and less wasting her time representing the plebs…

Her choice of tunes included Led Zeppelin’s “Upper Houses of the Holy”, The Rolling Stones’ “Question Time is on my Side”, and Marvin Gaye’s classic “Electoral Healing”

Her choice of tunes included the Animals’ “Lower House of the Rising Sun”, Split Enz’s “Six Months with a Leaky Vote”, and the Beatles’ “I am the Caucus”.

BANNING THIN MODELS

Madrid Fashion Week has banned underweight models from its catwalks, as part of a new movement to encourage healthy bodies. So that’s every existing model out, and at least half the wannabes…

Apparently models were getting too thin: the clothes were making them all crinkly / damaging them / crushing their fragile bones / getting too heavy.

It was decided that models were getting too thin when one was crushed beneath the weight of her string bikini.

A spokeswoman for one of New York’s biggest agencies said it was discrimination, and could harm the careers of naturally “gazelle-like” models. As well as ruining modelling opportunities for actual gazelles.

But there are still lots of job opportunities for gazelle-like models – like eating grass and running from lions.

Gazelles are furious: “You ever seen a bulimic gazelle?”

Gazelles are furious: “We’re nothing like models. We eat whatever we like – we just happen to like grass.”

ROLL-UPS – 100% PURE SPUN SUGAR

The ACCC has forced Uncle Tobys to stop advertising their Roll-Ups as being made from 65% real fruit. They are now advertising them more truthfully as 65% core, seeds and pith / 100% pure sugar / 100% chemical 165.

The ACCC has also insisted that Uncle Tobys compose an essay on the importance of accuracy in advertising. And write “I will not lie about fruit-content” 100 times after recess.

Not only is accuracy in advertising important for consumers, it can help you lose up to 5 kilos, makes your whites even whiter, and helps reduce the seven signs of aging!

Who’s going to write the essay? Uncle Toby?

Uncle Tobys also have to update the picture of Uncle Toby on their packaging with a decomposed skeleton.

Other products that were deemed misleading were “Picnic” – coz there was no hamper or blanket included – “Museli Bars” – they didn’t serve alcohol – and the “Golden Gaytime” – which had no gold. / which contained no homosexual intercourse at all.

They’ve had to put a warning on their Roll-Ups: “may contain traces of fruit”.

Uncle Toby continued to defend the claim. “I still say sugar is a fruit!”

Uncle Toby was apologetic. “Oh, is THAT what “percent” means??!”

In an attempt to woo back the public, Uncle Toby’s has changed their name to Uncle Pure Goodness / Uncle 65% Pure Fruit.

TOM JONES DUNKS TEABAG IN MOUTHWASH

An old flame of Tom Jones has revealed that the Welsh belter likes to dip his privates in Listerine. That way you can suck his knob and freshen your breath at the same time!

“I find that after a good dose of my jizz, most girls appreciate the mouthwash!”

Other things he likes dipping his package in include tea, jelly, and hot virgins.

“In fact, it’s actually a great way to teach a young woman Welsh! You try pronouncing Wyhmhyllw without a mouthful of cock!”

“I like a girl to really gargle.”

It’s more pleasant to imagine Tom Jones popping his package in Listerine than Alan Jones. At least, for me.

SOUTH AUSTRALIA – A BRILLIANT BLEND

South Australia’s Tourism Minister wants to replace their various number plate slogans, including “The Festival State”, “The Wine State”, “The Rose State”, “The Creative State”, “The Electronics State”, “The Defence State” and “Gateway to the Outback”, with a single slogan “South Australia – A Brilliant Blend”. They had actually wanted to blend all the previous slogans and ended up with “The Festive Flowering Creative Electro-Tank Outback Gate – Let’s Get Pissed!” Trouble was you needed a six metre wide car to fit the number plate on.

“A Brilliant Blend”? Why not just call it “The Neighbours State”?

Why not “South Australia – the other state”?

Why not “South Australia – we’ve got Adelaide”? Oh. I see why not.

What about “South Australia – one day everyone’s water will taste this bad “?

One suggestion was “South Australia – the Southern state… although we’re about as North as Victoria, and there’s always Tassie I guess”.

JEALOUS NUN BURNS PRIEST’S HOUSE

A jealous nun set fire to her priest lover’s house after finding him in bed with a married woman. “What’s wrong with a skanky hoe?”

“I was expecting it to be an altar boy!”

The nun still insists she’s in the right. “Adultery’s directly against one of the 10 Commandments! I don’t see arson there!”

The nun insists she’s still going to Heaven. “And, if not, I’ll BURN IT DOWN!”

Old habits die hard – but burn a treat.

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