Torture insurance (cut from The Glass House 27/9/06)

CIA agents are taking out insurance to protect them against law suits lodged against them for human rights abuses and torture. Hang on – is this insurance available to Al Qaeda agents too? Because otherwise it’s just not fair.

Al Qaeda are taking out similar insurance, to cover claims of torture, human rights abuses, and blowing shit up.

It is kind of like admitting they’re using torture, isn’t it? “Aah, we’re not torturing anyone, we’re just… er… making sure they don’t sue us for torturing them. Not that we are. Quick, what’s that over there?!”

It’s the old US policy of “duck and cover”. Duck your responsibilities and cover your arse.

Guantanemo Bay inmates are allowed a measured form of revenge in the courts, although Prosecuting Attorneys are restricted to only using sleep deprivation and waterboard torture. And one attack dog at cross-examination time.

The agents want to be protected from being involved in a torturous legal process – er, that’s metaphorically torturous.

When George Bush promised that the inmates at Guantanamo would get their day in court, he didn’t really intend it to be while they were suing their captors…

The policy covers up to $260,000 in legal costs and up to $1.3 million damages. Plus the cost of replacing any body parts ruined by attack dogs.

Captives want to be able to sue for human rights abuse, assault, and electrical damage.

Some of the accused terrorists are wary of taking their torturers to court though: they’ve been told the cross-examination takes place with their head in a bucket of water and electrodes on their genitals. / the prosecuting attorney gets to use attack dogs.

Of course, Al Qaeda have the best insurance policy to stop people suing you: strap-on explosives. / blowing themselves to bits.

The policy covers “professional failings”. But… isn’t that the only thing they’re going to be sued for? / So what can you be sued for?

Psychos are now taking advantage of the anti-torture insurance. “Frankly, those lawsuits were just killing me,” said Hannibal Lecter.

Arnsonists are now taking out insurance against being sued for fires, paedophiles are taking out insurance against being sued for kiddie-fiddling, and Alan Jones is taking out insurance against being sued for making stuff up.

Iraqi freedom fighters tried to take out insurance, but had to make do with insurgence.

Suicide bombers can get a similar insurance cheap – they only have to take out third party.

The insurance companies are probably onto a good thing – you’re not likely to be sued by someone who never gets released.

They shouldn’t really need insurance, but a lot of these CIA agents are getting paranoid. Some of them even claim that they’re being “followed by someone”… / Some have been heard to claim that “there are secret agents everywhere!”

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