Wil’s monologue (The Glass House 4/10/06)

JOHNNY’S SHARED VALUES

John Howard says that we can only beat terrorism if all Australians have “shared values”. That’s “shearing shared values”. / Although he may have said “shed values”. Like cursing the old swagger with a bare bellied yo.

Howard and Beazley certainly share values – well, at least they’re sharing the word “values”.

John Howard says that we can only beat terrorism if all Australians have “shared values” – so the sooner we all convert to Islam, the better. / which is all that Al Qaida wants, too.

Anyone who doesn’t fit in with our values system will be blown up! Take that, suicide bombers.

Yep, we’ve all got to share our values. We don’t want intolerant, backwards, fundamentalist values being swamped by values from other countries!

We don’t want intolerant, backwards, fundamentalist values from other countries, when have our own intolerant, backwards, fundamentalist values!

Yep, we’ve all got to share our values – like locking up children, hanging Kooris, waging illegal wars, and tormenting crocodiles. Aussie Aussie Aussie!!

Yep, we’ve all got to share our values. Values like “not sharing”.

Yep, we’ve all got to share our values. Well, we call it “sharing” – others call it “inflicting”.

A STUNNING DISPLAY

A member of the NSW Police Association got the shock of his life when he volunteered for a stun gun demonstration. (SHOW TAPE) He later declined the opportunity to help demonstrate their new “shoot to kill” powers…

He just thought he was up there to get an award…

Best practical joke ever. You should see their whoopee-cushion…

“Can I have a volunteer from the audience? Yes, you sir – you don’t have a heart condition do you? Excellent…”

Police Minister Carl Scully was reprimanded for bringing the weapon into Parliament House, but was unrepentant. “Oh yeah? You wanna piece of tazer action?” / “Oh yeah? Who’s gunna stop me?!”

The Police Minister snuck the weapon into Parliament when he was refused official permission. And we’ve got control orders on Jack Thomas… / When I tried to do that they shot me!

I say, the more stun guns in Parliament, the better! “Will the honourable member – YAAARRGH!”

PAINT WHAT YOU STEAL

In London, teenage burglars are being told to paint pictures of what they’d like to steal instead of being sent to jail. That way they’ll hopefully steal the paintings instead of the actual objects.

The paintings are then put on public display so householders know what to hide in case burglars strike. Quick – lock up your… is it a shrub of some sort? Or some kind of spaghetti?

Worried householders all over London are now locking up their kids’ paintings.

Teenage burglars are being told to paint pictures of what they’d like to steal. Which makes a nice change from rapping about it.

Teenage burglars are being told to paint pictures of what they’d like to steal: so far, nearly all the paintings feature Angelina Jolie. / So far, that’s 16 solid gold cars, 10 castles made of chocolate, and a giant robot monster with green laser eyes.

One of the burglars wanted to steal the Mona Lisa, so he painted that – and was immediately arrested for forgery.

So if you’re being burgled, just ask the thief to hang on a tic while you check what’s been painted recently so you can hide it from them. Foolproof.

Doing paintings of your crimes is a technique known as the “Chopper Method”.

JAKE AND THE FAT BAN

In New York, health officials are following up the ban on smoking in restaurants with a proposed ban on cooking fat. From now on all meals are to be cooked in cigarette butts.

Artificial trans fats are found in some margarine & frying-oils, pie-crusts, French fries & doughnuts. Delicious! / Mmmmm – artificial trans fat. / AKA “the yummy bits”. / That’s nearly the whole McDonalds menu!

As well as banning unhealthy fats, they’re removing harmful sugar, wheat, dairy, glucose, eggs, nuts and meat. Actually, all they serve now is a warmed-up bean. / luke-warm mud.

In New York, health officials are following up the ban on smoking in restaurants with a proposed ban on cooking fat. And if you smoke cooking fat, you’re in real trouble! And at risk of third degree facial burns.

So French fries are right out – from now on, only Ethiopian fries.

No more doughnuts – you can only have mudnuts.

Arrogant waiters, gibberish menus and ludicrously small portions are still OK though.

IRAQI DEMOCRACY

A survey of Iraqis has shown 61% of the population now approve of attacks against US forces. See – the US have brought democracy!

Only 37% want them to leave within six months. That leaves 24% who want at least another six months to keep bombing the yanks… “I’ve been working on this carbomb for ages!” / “Once the yanks leave, who am I gunna blow up to get my heavenly virgins? I mean, you can’t just blow up anyone.”

78% of Iraqis believe that the US presence is provoking more conflict than it is preventing, though 56% of the Kurds believe the US are a stabalising force: it takes the heat off them for a while. / it stops the Sunnis and Shiites attacking them.

TEACHING NUDE MODELLING

In China, an art teacher is in trouble after taking off his clothes during a lesson on how to draw the human body. The kids complained that they were offended – not by the nakedness as such, but by the hideously deformed conjoined-twin that kept taunting them with its pallid glare.

The teacher’s had to go back to his old methods of just hiring a stripper. / stripping the students.

You should see their teacher for Sex-Ed…

ANNIVERSARY HEAT

In the UK, a ring has been invented to stop husbands forgetting their wedding anniversary. The day before, the ring heats up. It activates every hour in a ten second burst, each warmer than the last. Which can be a bit annoying if you’ve already bought your wife a present. (Hold up ring finger and address it.) Quit nagging me!

The heat comes every hour in a ten second burst – just like hubby on their wedding night.

The wedding vows have been changed appropriately. “With this ring, I thee singe on an annual basis.”

Of course, if you take your loved-one out to Indian to celebrate, you can both end up with hot rings.

WHO WOULD TRUST WHAT AN INTELLIGENCE AGENCY SAYS?

A report compiled from all 16 US intelligence agencies has concluded that the Iraq War has been a “cause celebre” for recruiting terrorists and left the US less safe. Wow. Isn’t that an intelligence-agency showing… intelligence?

The Bush Administration says the full report is due to be released on the day after the Congressional Elections…

John Howard predictably dismissed the findings of the report, saying that some of these agencies are the same ones that told us Iraq had WMDs. That’s right, you can’t trust anyone who said Iraq had WMDs. / Yeah, and anyone who said Iraq had WMDs is a lying rodent.

Howard: “You know I only trust intelligence reports when they’re wrong.”

Howard: “Look, I’m not even going to bother reading this intelligence report until it’s been properly sexed-up.”

Johnny said he hadn’t read the report properly, but that his opinion didn’t match that of the report. Okay, on one hand we’ve got 16 major intelligence agencies, and on the other hand we’ve got a guy who hasn’t even read the report… Yeah, I’d say Johnny’s the credible source there.

Back in 2003, Bush and Howard would leap on any tiny morsel of intelligence that might suggest that maybe Iraq had WMDs, nuclear programs or links to Al Qaeda. But whole reports? You don’t bother with them

GWB was very dubious about the 16 intelligence agencies’ findings. “What we need is a new intelligence agency!” / “I want a second opinion!”

KHAZAKS COUNTER BORAT

Khazhikstan have released a 4-page supplement and new feature-film to try to counter the damage Sacha Baron Cohen’s character Borat has done to the country’s reputation. Cohen’s got a great way to generate publicity – just pick on a whole country.

If Cohen had been pretending to be an American, he would have been invaded by now.

GARRETT WANTS A THEATRE TRAGIC

Peter Garrett has said that it’s unfortunate that Parliament doesn’t contain a “Theatre Tragic” to counter “Cricket Tragic” Howard’s love of sport with a love of the arts. “Though what would be even better is a Midnight Oil tragic. That way I could spend Question Time signing autographs.” / spend Question Time doing my Midnight Oil dance.” (dance) / buffing my head.”

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