Wil’s monologue (The Glass House 18/10/06)

IRAQ TILL 2010

John Howard has suggested Australian troops will be in Iraq until at least 2010. You remember his promise that we’d be there “months, not years”. Yeah, hundreds of months.

Howard said that if we pull out there’ll be “chaos and carnage”. But if we stay, there’ll only be a couple of hundred thousand deaths a year! Now that’s order!

Howard said that a premature withdrawal would cause “chaos and carnage”. Unlike bombing the shit out of them.

Howard said that a premature withdrawal would cause “chaos and carnage”. Because we’re doing such a good job sorting out all that chaos and carnage.

We have to stay in Iraq; there are still some Iraqis left alive! / We have to stay in Iraq; we have to kill all those Iraqis so we can get back to fighting the War on Terror!

Imagine all those poor soldiers back here! Disastrous! They wouldn’t know what to shoot!

Howard said that a premature withdrawal would cause “chaos and carnage”. He also used that line on his wedding night…

PENSION POLICE

The government plans to set up a Centrelink Pension Police with powers to raid the homes of people claiming welfare and family payments. “Freeze – Centrelink! Nobody move or I’ll fill you full of paperwork!”

Staff at Centrelink were thrilled, hoping they’ll be issued with steel-capped boots, truncheons, and armour-plated Dole Diaries.

Finally, we can kick down the doors of the sick and the elderly!

It’s a 2-pronged money-saving measure. Not only do the Dole Cops cut down on pension fraud, but when they burst in unannounced, at least 10% of pensioners have a heart attack and die! Everyone wins.

Anyone able to resist their violent intrusion is obviously too able-bodied to deserve benefits…

They burst into your house at 4am, and if you’re not looking for work, you’re BUSTED!

When they burst into your house, you’d better be old, or you’re off the pension!

To prove you qualify for the aged pension, you now have to present three doilies and at least one varicose vein.

So watch out! Make sure you count your children each and every night or you could be in serious trouble for fraud!

Coz we really need to come down hard on those sick and elderly SCUM!!!

The proposal comes on top of existing “covert surveillance” orders, such as secret filming of home-carers and people on age pensions, which they then send in to Australia’s Funniest Home Videos – unless one of the old folks die. They save that for Australia’s Funniest Snuff Films.

JUST EGGING ‘EM ON

A Melbourne teacher has urged shopkeepers to take care when selling eggs to youths around the time of school muck-up days. That’s just silly. You want to buy your eggs at least a month before, so they become nicely rotten.

“This is not fun. It’s quite dangerous.” Yeah, maybe if you’re allergic to eggs – or are one.

He’s encouraging shopkeepers not to sell students eggs – and to keep them well away from the chickens.

“Guns or knives I can handle. But eggs? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRGH!”

With the price of eggs these days, most students can only afford half a yolk anyway.

Already one student has been suspended for egg-related mischief: the teacher decided to make an eggsample of him…

That teacher cracks me up… what a yolk! Being such a chicken really just eggs them on. He needs to be more hard-boiled. And something about albumen.

The teacher suggested defending muck-up day by bringing in soldiers – but they’d just end up being dipped in the eggs…

There’s also a major concern that end-of-school celebrations are being overrun by “toolies”. And the last thing any self-respecting Year 12 wants to see at their Muck-up Day is Tim Allen. Creeeepy.

There’s also a major concern that end-of-school celebrations are being overrun by “toolies”. But don’t worry – schoolies just kick the toolies in the goolies. (Truly ruly…)

SHOOTINGS A MATTER OF CHARACTER

In the US, George Dubya reckons the way to stop school shootings is more classroom focus on character & values. With a proper emphasis on values, kids will learn that it’s wrong to shoot people. Except A-rabs and niggers of course.

He said the problem with the Columbine killers wasn’t their education, “their problem was their character”. Unfortunately their character was Rambo.

With a proper emphasis on values, kids will learn that it’s wrong to shoot people. You should use cluster-bombs. / You should use lethal injection. / You should use the electric chair.

Apparently, guns don’t kill people, their characters do.

Only “problem characters” want to shoot people – which explains the US army / Abu Ghraib.

“They were basically evil people who believed in violence as a solution to their problems. I only wish I could have locked them up in Guantanemo and tortured them.”

In fact if those students paid a little less attention to their education, they could be President by now!

After all, Dubya knows a lot about values, and absolutely nothing about anything else.

Surely having Dubya tell you not to shoot people is like having Hitler tell you not to gas anyone.

50 YEAR OLD YOUTH

In Kenya, a government minister has proposed changing the legal definition of “youth” to anyone aged from 15 to 50. People under 15 are to be reclassified as “embryos”…

There’s been a huge rise in the number of 50 year olds smoking Spring Valley bongs in the park after school. / pashing behind the shelter shed. / poppin wheelies on their BMXs.

Muhammad Kuti wants to change the law so more people can access an $18 million youth fund. The Youth Affairs Minister said that with responsibility for everyone under 50, he’s halfway to being Emperor!

Youth Affairs Minister Muhammad Kuti wants to change the law so more people could access an $18 million youth fund. But you know they’re just going to spend it on Primas and lolly snakes.

To qualify for being “old”, you need to have been dead for over a hundred years. It’s not as easy to get the Kenyan pension as it used to be…

GROWING OLD AIN’T FUNNY

Under new workplace laws in the UK, you can take legal action if you get a birthday card making a quip about your age. When the first suit is placed, it’s sure to result in a Hallmark decision…

Smutty cards can also result in lawsuits for sexual discrimination, Christmas cards can result in religious vilification suits and all other cards fall under the Lame Jokes Act of 1952. (This one also qualifies.)

Seems birthdays are slowly being driven out of popular culture. You can’t give cards, blowing out candles spreads diseases, “for he’s a jolly good fellow” is sexist and age-ist, and being given a present discriminates against all the people who aren’t getting presents that day. It’s best if birthdays are simply celebrated by standing in a corner, silently weeping.

ROACH-EATING CONTEST

In New York, an animal rights group wants a theme park to cancel a competition in which people try to break a world record for cockroach-eating. Others keen to cancel the competition are the contestants, and the cockroaches.

The park is offering customers free entry and queue-jumping privileges if they’ll eat a live Madagascar hissing cockroach. The cockroach is hissing itself…

You get minor queue-jumping privileges for eating a cockroach. Though if you eat a grasshopper, you can jump right to the front.

They got the idea from the Australian government, who have been forcing queue-jumpers to eat cockroaches for years.

Inspired by the competition, Amanda Vanstone has said that from now on all queue-jumpers have to eat cockroaches…

One of the best things about eating a cockroach is that at least some small portion of your gut will survive a nuclear holocaust.

Of course, it’s actually setting the contestants up for the future – coz after the coming nuclear holocaust, cockroaches will be all that’s left to eat…

SLOW AND STEADY FOR FAMILY FIRST

Thanks to a torn calf muscle, Family First Senator Steve Fielding has been zipping around Parliament House on a scooter. Unfortunately he accidentally flicked the switch from “tortoise” to “hare” setting and slammed into a wall. His scooter now has to travel around by scooter.

He voted for the media legislation this week. He would’ve crossed the floor, but his scooter was still in the shop / if it wasn’t for his busted scooter, he would’ve crossed the floor.

He accidentally flicked the switch from “tortoise” to “hare” and slammed into a wall. Lucky he didn’t flick it to “giraffe”, or he’d be stuck up a tree.

He accidentally flicked the switch from “tortoise” to “hare” and slammed into a wall. Lucky he didn’t flick it to “penguin”, or he’d’ve been eaten by a seal.

He accidentally flicked the switch from “tortoise” to “hare” and slammed into a wall. Lucky he didn’t flick it to “lion”, or he’d have had to hunt for gazelle.

Now he’s got a torn calf muscle, when he goes out walking with his wife and kids, it’s always his family first.

He’s used his Christian lobbying power to change the settings to “lamb” and “lion”.

He resented having to use the Tortoise setting. “This solid domed shell is only for while I’m recovering.”

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