Glass House

Aguilera is Torture (The Glass House 22/6/05)

US Forces at Guantanemo Bay have been using some pretty low-down tricks: urinating on the Koran, getting prisoners to bark like a dog, dripping water on their heads, putting their naked body in all sorts of poses, and now even stooping to playing them Christina Aguilera.

The torturous techniques have resulted in some confusing testimony. One prisoner confessed that he was a “genie in a bottle”. But possibly he’d just been rubbed the wrong way.

Prisoners have also been forced to stand while the US national anthem is played. In a particularly cruel torture, the prisoners are forced to dance to Aguilera singing the national anthem.

For real torture, they should try playing her songs backwards; her songs say “I love Satan” and “Britney is a skanky ho”.

The guards have said to have chosen Aguilera purely out of personal taste. “It gives us a chance to urinate to a funky beat,” said one. “You’ve got to love that.”

Most requests from the prisoners have been denied, including mirrorballs, a light-up dance floor and a smoke machine.

The guards have also requested mirrorballs, a light-up dance floor and a smoke machine. “It’s for interrogation purposes, honest!”

“It’s great!” said one of the inmates. “We’re forced to party til the break of dawn! Whenever that is!”

Christina offered to play live, and six inmates killed themselves.

Other tunes in the top ten of torture include Hit Me Baby One More Time, Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick, and Attach Electrodes To My Testicles and Urinate On My Holy Book.

In Australia’s detention centres we use a similar technique. Detainees are forced to listen to Kyle and Jackie O.

These guys are using dance pop as torture? Haven’t they ever heard of black metal?

The US apparently also used techniques of “mild, non-injurous physical contact”. With “caring truncheons” and the “scrotal electrodes of gentleness”.

One technique was to show prisoners a ‘satirical puppet show’. “No! No! Not a satirical puppetshow! Bring back the electrodes!”

By Wok

Warwick Holt is a highly experienced, award-winning screenwriter, who has written for many of Australia’s top comedians and presenters, and the Emperor of this here Media Empire.

Leave a Reply