Kissing mice (The Glass House 1/11/06)

A new scientific study into the nature of kissing has revealed that it dates back at least 100 million years, when our ancestors used to secrete a pheremone and pass it on by direct contact to reveal their gender. Remember, these were the days before bikinis and budgie smugglers. / Well, it was more than 99 million years before bikinis and budgie smugglers.

The pheremone is still present in mice, who share an ancestor with humans. Well, that was convenient – lucky they didn’t have to leave the lab.

Well, of course the scientists say that we get kissing from our ancestral mice-people. But what other animals did they have lying around in the lab? Did anyone run tests on lab aardvarks?

Courting was a bit different a hundred million years ago. You’d just go around pashing all your fellow mice-men until you found one of the opposite sex. And then you’d mate. It’s been handed down to the present day – only now we call it “Schoolies Week”.

Courting was a bit different a hundred million years ago. You’d just go around pashing all your fellow mice-men until you found one of the opposite sex. (imitate mouse-human creature) “You a boy or a girl?” (pash) Urgh, boy. (pash) Urgh, boy. (pash) Girl! Let’s root!”

Mice and men shared a common ancestor going back 100 million years. Fortunately mice have evolved since then.

We share a common rodenty ancestor with mice, which explains our fondness for kissing. Also our love of treadmills and ratsak. / our love of crawling through the walls chewing on electrical cables.

We asked one of the scientists about the common ancestor theory, but he just squeaked and ran under a chair.

The physical nature of a kiss was revealed by a scan of a vertical cross-section through the head, revealing the use of 34 facial muscles and another 112 postural muscles and increased blood flow to the brain’s ventral intraprietal area. And they say scientists aren’t romantic!

Kissing uses 34 facial muscles and another 112 postural muscles. It’s like a head workout! But be careful – too much kissing could leave you with a fat body and a really skinny head.

Professor Onur Gunturkun watched 124 couples in action at airports, railway stations, parks and beaches before he was arrested.

Don’t take it too seriously though; I think the whole study may be tongue-in-cheek.

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