Axed but still monologuing away (The Glass House 1/11/06)

CLIMATE CHANGE… YES I HAVE HEARD OF THAT COME TO THINK OF IT

All aboard the climate change bandwagon! With not even enough rain to drown Al Gore in, even the Federal Government have had to admit that the planet does seem to be getting a little drier, and so have launched the world’s biggest solar power plant. At least that way when we run out of water, we’ll be able to cool off under one of those big solar panels.

More than a third of the budget set aside for government projects aimed at combating global warming over the last 8 years – $362 million! – has not been spent. They’re saving it for a rainy day…

Housing the world’s largest solar power plant scares me. What happens when we use up all the solars, and there’s no more sun? Huh?

“We only believe in climate change at election time. Oh, did I mention how much I love children and single mums? Oh, and bunnies – fluffy bunnies!”

Peter Costello still believes that climate change is what you get when you give the climate checkout chick a climate fifty. / …a fifty dollar climate note.

The government has pledged it will help combat global warming by turning on all the air-conditioners at Parliament House.

To deal with global warming, the government has pledged it will invest 100 million dollars into state-of-the-art eskies. / stubby-holders. / into making Speedos even smaller.

Costello has announced 100 million will be spent on solar research, 50 million on wind research, and 20 million on installing a pool in the House of Representatives.

“But we have been trying to tackle gerbil warming!”

John Howard has insisted that global warming mostly comes from Iraq, and that by invading we’re just trying to overthrow climate change’s evil regime.

According to the Howard government, the main cause of climate change is Iraq’s weapons of no precipitation.

John Howard told farmers this week that he was praying for rain. He’s pledged half a billion dollars to help tackle climate change by building new churches.

PRIVATISE THE WATER

Malcolm Turnbull has come up with the perfect solution to the crisis in Australia’s water: privatise it! That way it’s no longer the government’s problem!

Because when something’s privatised it makes it freely accessible to everyone!

Yeah, privatising water’s really gunna work: how can you sell something that isn’t there?

Turnbull’s already been using private water for years – he only showers in Evian.

MENZIES THE TYRANT

Liberal Senator George Brandis has called for the book “100 Greatest Tyrants” to be removed from a Mt Isa school library because alongside Hitler, Pol Pot and Saddam, it lists Sir Robert Menzies. He’s the only tyrant in the Top 100 with a knighthood!

We should be proud of getting into the Top 100! Aussie Aussie Aussie!

The book is ten years old; the author is now intending to release an updated edition with Menzies replaced by George Brandis.

But the book is over 10 years old. What with Bush, Blair and Howard, these days Menzies wouldn’t even get a look-in.

Osama bin Laden is pretty pissed off to not get a mention. “C’mon, what’s a guy gotta do?”

Other books George Brandis wants removed include “1984”, “Brave New World” and “Brandis and the Pony: Exposed”. / …and any newspaper that includes his “John Howard is a lying rodent” quote.

UNFLATTERING MAJ

American artist George Condo has created a stir with his new portrait of the Queen. (show picture) Heh, she was so funny when she was on the Muppets…

Condo admits it is a bit like a Cabbage Patch doll, “but that’s also because people like Cabbage Patch dolls.” But people also like sex toys – it doesn’t mean we need an inflatable Her Majesty. / – it doesn’t mean we need an enormous royal dildo. After all, we already have Prince Charles.

It does look a bit like a Cabbage Patch doll, but not as much as John Howard does.

His next project will be a nude pic of the Queen. Lucky it’s not Prince Philip; we don’t really need to see the crown jewels.

Great! A nude pic of the Queen! Maybe next he’ll do a naked Vanstone! Phwoar!

The nude pic was bound to cause trouble. Already the Brits are calling her “Your Vagisty”…

His next project will be a nude pic of the Queen; although she insists that, in the picture, she (queen voice)”is not aroused”.

The Queen’s not happy about the way the nude painting came out, claiming it makes her look like she’s got an (queen voice) “anus horribilus”.

EYELASH TRANSPLANTS

The latest plastic surgery fad is eyelash transplants, where 30 to 40 hairs are removed from the back of the scalp and sewn onto the eyelid one by one. (twitch with eye) Sorry, I’ve just got a spot of dandruff.

Dr Alan Baumann said, “eyelash transplantation does for the eyes what breast augmentation does for the figure. Totally fucks it up.”

Dr Alan Baumann said, “eyelash transplantation does for the eyes what breast augmentation does for the figure. And both make me incredibly rich!”

Dr Alan Baumann said, “eyelash transplantation does for the eyes what breast augmentation does for the figure. Looks unnatural, leaks, and explodes on aeroplanes.”

It costs about four grand per eye. For four grand, I’d want a whole new eye. Preferably one that can shoot green lasers. / On the back of my head. / One that can see in the dark. / One with X-ray vision and a heat ray.

FISHPENGUINS

Penguins herd fish much like sheepdogs herd sheep. Great news for fish farmers – no longer will they have to drown their dogs just to get the herd in.

Penguins herd fish much like sheepdogs herd sheep. And you should see them shear!

Farmers in colder parts are now using penguins instead of sheep dogs. They’re smaller, waterproof and look so funny when they walk.

Penguins are also the world’s greediest eaters, stuffing themselves so full that a grown man would have to consume 600 quarter pounders in eight hours to match them. And that corresponds to 150 pounders.

Although of course the penguins would be eating Filet-o-Fish…

A grown man would have to consume 600 quarter pounders in eight hours to match them. Which is nearly as much as Kirsty Alley!

FORZIE THE FOUR-LEGGED FREAK FOWL

In New Zealand, a four-legged chicken born a couple of months ago has died. The owner says that she thinks the death was due to its extra anus – “He developed two bottoms and I think he got glugged up.” Just didn’t know which way to shit.

The poor chicken was confused: he couldn’t tell his arse from his… other arse.

The owners had hoped to breed the chicken to create a whole strain of four-legged superfowl. In fact their ultimate aim was to create a chicken with eight legs, four wings, two breasts, six nuggets and a couple of Zinger burgers. / …two breasts, a large fries and a Coke.

But it wasn’t really a mutant; it was just upsized.

He’s now in his owner’s freezer, waiting to be stuffed. With rosemary, breadcrumbs, and his own mashed giblets. That’s a deep sign of respect in New Zealand…

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