Hang on… Phar Lap’s dead? (The Glass House 8/11/06)

Studies of Phar Lap’s hair revealing arsenic has resulted in a new theory that he died when he was innocently fed a toxic cocktail of arsenic and strychnine by his trainers. I know whenever I’m thirsty, I always reach for the arsenic and strychnine – mmm… refreshing!

The arsenic tonic was to enhance Phar Lap’s ability. Coz when I want a healthy boost, I reach for POISON.

Arsenic and strychnine? Well, it was either that or Diet Coke…

A night on the arsenic and strychnine cocktails can leave you feeling totally stuffed. And mounted.

Apparently the arsenic and strychnine mix was a tonic designed to enhance Phar Lap’s ability. Isn’t that just a little bit like CHEATING? / Not a steroid, or a drug, just a performance-enhancing tonic. Further proof of just what a true Australian hero Phar Lap was.

Of course arsenic and strychnine does tend to increase a horse’s speed. They’ll run as fast as they can to get away from that shit.

Of course these days, horse handlers have realised that performance can be enhanced even more by not feeding them deadly chemicals. Amazing the advances in science.

One of the theories is that Phar Lap died from homesickness. Because homesickness is responsible for hundreds of horse deaths every year. It’s nearly as common as death by “melancholy” and “existential angst”.

Here’s a theory: Phar Lap was such a hero that he couldn’t stand the idea of being caught taking performance-enhancing drugs and preferred to commit suicide. Well? It’s more likely than homesickness.

All these theories and yet no-one’s mentioning the most likely culprit – Phar Lap was really killed by a vicious Aussie-icon-hating stingray.

Another theory suggests that Phar Lap’s actually still alive, and living with Elvis on the Moon.

Hang on – Phar Lap’s dead? Looks like I’ve thrown away my Cup Day bet this year.

Good to see the scientists are working on the important issues.

Obviously the scientists have got global warming all sorted then.

And, just for non-bias’s sake, can I say now that Phar Lap was a shit horse, and I’m glad he’s dead.

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