Monologue T-3 and counting… (The Glass House 15/11/06)

LAME DUCK AND DONALD DUCK

It’s been a great week for democracy, freedom and all those other things George Dubya Bush keeps banging on about, when the American Democrats took control of both houses of Congress, leaving Dubya a “lame duck” President. The one upside for Bush is that being a duck almost certainly protects him from being shot by Dick Cheney.

Bush blamed whoever he could for the election debacle. Corrupt Republicans, corrupt Democrats, complex voting rules and finally the voters themselves, who he said didn’t know what was going on. He should know; when he went to vote he got all confused by the voting machine and ended up voting for Start Button.

Bush described the election as a “thumpin'”. Guantanamo Bay inmates were thrilled on hearing the news, but disappointed when they discovered that Bush’s particular thumpin’ was just metaphorical.

But most of the blame fell on the shoulders of poor old Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, who got the flick. Worldwide the decision was celebrated as justice being done. But I don’t think justice will really be done until Rummy’s stacked in a naked human pyramid with an attack dog snapping at his heels.

Poor Rummy. He was only 74. And there are so many places left uninvaded.

I can’t believe Rumsfeld’s gone! Now all we need is for Bush to sack Cheney, Rice, Rove and the rest of those neo-conservative dipshits who thought it was a good idea to lie their way into war in the most volatile region in the world.

Rumsfeld described the Iraq War as being “not well-known”, “not well understood” and “complex for people to comprehend”. Yeah, that’s why their War Plan consisted of one page reading “Shock and Awe!” and a map with a big arrow leading to Baghdad.

Rumsfeld said the war is too “complex for people to understand”. Yeah, as he famously said of it “Stuff happens.” Can’t even begin to wrap my head around that one.

So Rummy says the Iraq War’s not well-known. Um, compared to what? The need to eat?

Rummy still has confidence in his military plans. In fact he’s planning on seceding. The Royal Army of Rumsfeldistan is going to bring peace to Iraq any day now! He belongs in a home, really.

Rumsfeld’s demise is the first sign that Bush might be thinking that the invasion of Iraq was not such a hot idea. Wow – that’s only taken four years!

Rumsfeld’s sacking was far bigger news over here than the American people actually voting against the Republicans. I guess Rummy’s got that celebrity factor that only comes from direct illegal invasions.

The American public’s landslide rejection of Bush will be welcomed in the Muslim world and may dampen terrorists’ enthusiasm for killing American civilians. Great, so does that make Australia Islamic Enemy Number 1? Give us a year, please, terrorists! We need another chance to vote!

SUMMIT ABOUT WATER

John Howard called a Water Summit with three Premiers, at which a CSIRO scientists described our current drought as “one-in-a-thousand years”. Scary. But fortunately with global warming we should be able to make that much more regular. In a couple of years it’ll be a “one-in-two years” drought.

THE TOKYO CUP

Bruce Ruxton reckoned their wouldn’t be too many of his old battalion who would’ve backed a winner on Melbourne Cup day, with first and second place going to Japanese horses. He’s also pretty sure they only won because they fielded a Kamikaze horse that knocked out all the other front-runners.

IF IT’S COSTELLO, LET HIM MELLOW, IF IT’S BROWN, VOTE HIM DOWN

The Department of Parliamentary Services has said that dual flush toilets will be too expensive to install in Parliament House, so to save water the MP’s should use the old “If it’s yellow, let it mellow” policy. And they’re also asking the pollies to cross their legs for as long as possible before going.

The Coalition use a similar slogan in Parliament itself: “If it’s Peter Costello, let him mellow; if it’s Bob Brown, vote him down.”

YES, A PEOPLE’S CARD – NO, MAKE IT A FREEDOM CARD

Minister for Human Services Joe Hockey wants ideas for a name for the access card we’ll all be getting in 2008. “Australia Card” is out, but he’s leaning towards “People’s Card”. What about “Freedom Card”, “Democracy Card” or “Friendly Smiley Happy Card of Love”?

BRITNEY’S PUNCHLINE

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline are getting a divorce. Oh Britney, at last you’re single again! Call me babe, I’ve got a lot of free time coming up.

Federline is now on the lookout for someone new to fill the void that has been Britney.

Federline’s looking for something new to occupy his time, and is hoping to launch a comedy duo, Federline and Punchline. Though he’s yet to find anyone called Punchline.

ARSE-CRACKER

A British soldier recently returned from Iraq suffered severe internal injuries including a scorched colon when he stuck a lit firework between his buttocks to “liven up a party”. He thought a cracker in his crack would be a crack-up, but the cracker cracked his crack! Which is a crack-up.

The soldier was staggered at the extent of his injuries. “We did it all the time at Abu Ghraib. Turns out those prisoners weren’t faking after all!”

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