Baby toupees (The Glass House 22/11/06)

The latest Internet fad – baby toupees!

Just because your baby spews everywhere, drools on the floor and shits their pants is no reason why you can’t humiliate them further.

Just because your baby spews everywhere, drools on the floor and shits their pants doesn’t mean they can’t have nice hair.

Because what are babies good for if not as models for ridiculous outfits that you wouldn’t be seen dead in.

You can get The Lil Kim, The Donald Trump, The Bob Marley or The Samuel L Jackson toupees. Because if you want your child to grow up to be a gangsta rapper, a heartless billionaire, a drug-taking rasta, or a foul-mouthed actor, you can’t start them too early.

The only problem with the Samuel L toupee is baby’s first words end up being “motherfucker”. Which is offensive, unless they’re referring to their daddy.

The Samuel L: (miming holding up cutesy little babywoo) “Who’s a crazy motherfucker? Who’s a crazy little motherfucker?”

If you want your baby to look like Bob Marley, isn’t it easier to just hand him a massive spliff and let him grow his own dreads?

Or you could just wear a shower cap and call it The Garrett. / Or you could just leave the baby bald and call it The Garrett; they probably dance similarly anyway.

You can also buy The Michael Jackson toupee, although that model is a severe fire risk…

If you want your baby to look even more mature, there’s the baby merkin…

And for the really fashion-conscious baby, you can get gum-whitening and G-string nappies.

And if you want to look like a baby with fake hair, there’s the new Baby Toupee For Adults!

But you have to exercise caution – if a baby gets used to their toupee they might never grow hair of their own…

One baby’s first words were “Mother, this ludicrous headware humiliates me and degrades us both.” So cute!

I can already see a problem: that Donald Trump wig looks way too much like real hair.

The Trump one isn’t nearly obvious enough.

Ask the kids what they’d want to wear, and you’d get the hair of the Wiggles, the helmet of Bob the Builder, and their breakfast all over themselves.

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