Glass House

Death to jetlagged mice (cut from The Glass House 29/11/06)

Tests on mice showed that jetlag can take a permanent toll on health and can lead to early death. Other tests have indicated that early death in mice can also be caused by feeding them Ratsak, giving them to cats or dropping bricks on them.

The results are important for humans: not only will we live longer if we stick to our own time zone and work only day-shifts, but if we make it through the maze, we’ll get cheese!

The research showed that old mice cope badly with confusing schedules of light and darkness to simulate international travel, but young mice cope better. It’s an important lesson for us humans – to prevent early death, try to get all your international travel over and done with by the age of 5.

The jet-lag experience killed off the older mice, but younger mice coped much better. Some even became pilots. / They especially liked the duty-free cheese.

Several hundred mice died early when their international flight simulator crashed into a miniature Twin Towers simulator. Oh the rodentity!

It’s bad news for frequent flyers. Particularly those that travel with pet mice. / Particularly those that like cheese and running around in mazes. / Particularly frequent flyers trapped in a lab experiment. / Particularly for those who are half rodent.

It’s just lucky that mice don’t have to travel all that much…

That’s why mice always travel by hovercraft.

So, if you want to be a healthy mouse, try to keep away from jets, shift-work and the University of Virginia. / lab scientists.

The scientists have now moved on to other entertaining ways of torturing mice. Don’tcha just love science!?

The research has inspired a new movie: Mice on a Plane! In the end, the crazed mice all die of disorientation. Not that exciting, but at least it’s based on sound scientific research.

Interestingly they’ve discovered that rats have fewer problems with jetlag, but on the down side they do suffer more from chronic fatigue / RSI.

Finally, the solution to mice-infested homes! All you need to do is send them to work nightshift overseas!

Based on the research, the scientists have now developed a new mousetrap – it forces the mouse to work long hours at a menial yet demanding job, before subjecting them to long and arduous flights to multiple countries. Then it snaps their spine with a springloaded piece of steel. / Then a springloaded piece of steel snaps their spine. But they sure don’t see it coming!

By Wok

Warwick Holt is a highly experienced, award-winning screenwriter, who has written for many of Australia’s top comedians and presenters, and the Emperor of this here Media Empire.

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