The Sideshow Ep. 1: monologue material

Hi gang,

Hope you enjoyed the first ep of The Sideshow last night. Being in another state from where it’s taped, it was my first viewing of it too, and I’m proud to be associated with it. The pilots were good but this was another step up, seems like the show’s finding its groove. I’m keen to hear what you all think.

Anyway, here’s the material that Mat and I submitted for Paul’s monologue.

The Queen has advised Prince William not to rush down the aisle and marry Kate Middleton, warning him “We don’t want another Diana”. Which is odd, because her name isn’t Diana.

Coz there’s nothing worse than a royal who people actually like.

The Queen has advised Prince William not to rush down the aisle and marry Kate Middleton, warning him “We don’t want another Diana”. In fact, she didn’t even want the first one.

The Queen has advised Prince William to break up with Kate Middleton, warning him “We don’t want another Diana – they’re just so expensive to kill!”

The Queen apparently thought Kate Middleton was too common for William. Apparently the other day she saw a whole flock of Kate Middletons.

Insiders insisted the Royal family believed Kate was “too common” to marry the future king. But just common enough for Harry. / And not common enough for Harry.

Insiders claim the Royal family believes Kate is “too common” to marry the future king. Acceptable brides include Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, and Rapunzel. Cinderella is out though – the Queen says “she’s still a bogan at heart”. / “she’s just a trumped-up scullery maid!” / “magic doesn’t count!”

The Queen warned “We don’t want another Diana” as she advised Prince William not to rush down the aisle & marry Kate Middleton. “Limo crashes don’t grow on trees.” / “Limos don’t crash themselves!”

Any more breeding with good lookers like Diana might result in the royal family having to install catwalks at Buckingham Palace. So tacky.

Insiders insisted the Royal family believed Kate was “too common” to marry the future king. It’s all there in her name: Middleton. Willy is now on the lookout for someone with the surname Upperton.

Kate was thought to be “too common” to marry Prince William. The future Queen has to be at least his fourth cousin.

English bookmakers now have British topless model Keeley Hazell at 22-1 odds for marrying the heir to the throne. “She’d be much better,” said the Queen, “Not much like Diana at all.”

Bookmakers have suggested odds for William’s next girlfriend: Kylie at 14-1, Britney at 20-1 and 100-1 for Fergie.

Bookmakers have suggested odds for William’s next girlfriend: Kylie at 14-1, Britney at 20-1 and British topless model Keeley Hazell at 22-1. And Divine Brown is a rank outsider. / And Nikki Knockers at 100-1.

Middleton also allegedly felt threatened by Willy’s relationship with the superbly-named heiress Isabella Anstruther-Gough-Calthorpe. “I don’t even have one hypen!” Kate said.

In the tradition of Princess Fergie, perhaps if William marries Isabella Anstruther-Gough-Calthorpe we can just call her Princess Hyphen?

Kevin Rudd says the Australian people can spot a phoney at 50 paces & he’d never knowingly tell a lie. Except that one.

Kevin Rudd says the Australian people can spot a phoney at 50 paces & he’d never knowingly tell a lie. He’ll still exaggerate, omit, distort, spin and side-step, but lie? Never.

Kevin Rudd says the Australian people can spot a phoney at 50 paces & he’d never knowingly tell a lie. Or let any voters within 50 paces.

Now I’m not so sure about Rudd as our next PM. He reckons the Australian people wouldn’t vote for a liar? Has he learnt nothing from 11 years of Howard?

Kevin Rudd says the Australian people can spot a phoney at 50 paces & he’d never knowingly tell a lie. He should get out of politics! / But he’s a politician! It’s his job!

But do we really want an honest PM? Our relationship with the US probably wouldn’t be as good if our PM had just said, “Dubya, you are a total moron.”

Kevin pulled out of his regular appearances on “Sunrise” this week. In return Kochie agreed to stop appearing in Kevin’s bedroom.

Kevin pulled out of his regular appearances on “Sunrise” this week. In fact to make sure he never lies again, he’s going to stop speaking altogether.

Rudd will have to tell you if you look ugly, if your bum looks big in this, and the real reason why he didn’t do his homework.

Rudd’s like our very own George Washington. He’s going to have to admit to cutting up WorkChoices with his little hatchet.

He figures he can’t intentionally lie if no-one tells him anything that might contradict what he already believes. It’s the policy John Howard uses. As do ostriches.

The White House has admitted it can’t find 4 years worth of emails from Dubya’s chief political strategist, Karl Rove. They also can’t find any of their letters to each other. And they’ve got no idea where this mountain of shredded paper came from.

“The emails have all been deleted. And, er, the hard drive was wiped. And the computer blew up. And sank to the bottom of the ocean sealed in a concrete slab. It’s not our fault!”

Dubya deletes all his emails as a matter of course, just in case they include some information.

Bush’s computer has been on the blink ever since he tried to fit it in the shredder.

Makes me yearn for the good old days when you actually had to shred documents. Now with a keypress you can wipe out decades of scandalous corruption.

We have managed to track down some of the emails from Rove to Dubya:
“Don’t forget to smile, wave, and breathe on a regular basis.”
“Keep pronouncing nuclear as ‘noo-cu-lar’. It gives you the common touch.”
“Remember, Saddam and Osama are different people. And Iraq is not Iran.”
“That Osama bastard’s done a runner – go after Saddam instead.”
“Don’t worry about that Geneva Convention thingy. That only applies to Genevans.”
“Why don’t you go to the ranch for a while and leave all the hard work to me and Dick?”
“Don’t worry about that weird little fanboy guy – he’s not a stalker, he’s the leader of Australia.”

The White House has admitted it can’t find 4 years worth of emails from Dubya’s chief political strategist, Karl Rove. Well folks, we have them right here! In a world exclusive, here are the missing US Administration’s emails… (clears throat and reads) “Do you want to satisfy her more than any other guy? Cheap Viagra now!” / “Hot naked webcam girls waiting now!” / “Stock market alert: make millions of dollars easy!” / “Mrs Nboto needs your bank details to deposit 100,000 dollars in your account RIGHT AWAY.”

We’ve also found an email Karl Rove sent to Kim Beazley… “Say hello to your mother for me – what the?”

The White House has admitted it can’t find 4 years worth of emails from Dubya’s chief political strategist, Karl Rove. Well, we’ve found them! (on screen) “Yo G-Dub! USA totly pwns!!!!!1111 U really wanna invade Iraq? LOL! Ppl will h8 u IMHO. And u reckon u can link Saddam and Osama? LMFAO! <3 KR" --- The Catholic Archbishop of Adelaide says the church should use text messages to reach out to young people before they become alienated from their families & communities. Here are some examples: (on screen)

HELL :( – HEAVEN :)

wan2 go str8 2 heavn??? let Gzus in2 yr hrt!

Gzus rox!!!!!!!!!

i <3 Gzus :) I h8 s8n >:(

The church are now introducing ConfessMS:
(on screen) 4gv me fthr 4 I hav snnd

The new book of John begins “In the beginning there was the word. And the word was abbreviated and spelled with numerals. And a parenthesis would be coupled with a colon, and would make a cool little happy face. And the emoticon was smiley.”

So soon your kiddies will be getting a text message from your local Catholic priest. Doesn’t sound creepy at all.

The Amish are also said to be considering using text messenger pigeons.

We wouldn’t be a true variety show is we didn’t do this. So here it is, The Sideshow’s first ever “Funny Photos” segment!

Ouch

It’s the arm of a vet who tried to retrieve a tranquilliser dart from the croc’s hide without noticing it wasn’t completely asleep. The vet refused to have the arm sewn back on again because now it was second-hand.

He had been told that the giant croc was totally armless… Well, not any more.

It’s not the first time this croc has had a bit of a munch on people. One keeper lost a leg, a feeder lost a finger, and you don’t want to know what happened to the flasher.

It’s the arm of a vet who tried to retrieve a tranquilliser dart from the croc’s hide without noticing it wasn’t completely asleep. It was a difficult decision: on one hand, he really needed that tranq dart back, and on the other hand he had about a tonne of vicious lizard.

If only Steve Irwin could’ve been be there to help – then it might’ve been his arm instead. / then he could’ve fed the croc his baby!

The zoo in Taiwan bought the 2 tonne Nile croc from a local who’d kept it as a pet. Apparently it’s called Mr Fluffy / Fluffikins.

The zoo in Taiwan bought the 2 tonne Nile croc from a local who’d kept it as a pet. The zoo has since tracked the previous owner down – she’s inside the croc.

The crocodile has apologized, and offered to let the vet try to bite off its arm…

The crocodile broke down, swearing it was sorry and would never do it again, but the vet claimed it was all just crocodile tears…

Let it be a lesson for any kiddies watching: crocodiles don’t like being shot with darts.

The weird thing is he was only tranquilising the croc to get his leg back.

The worst thing is he never got that dart back.

The irony! He was only tranquing the croc to get his dart back!

“A Current Affair” ran the story of a 13 year old girl who had her head crushed by a giant sea lion. Apparently it was also a dole-bludging fraudster taking consumers for a ride.

A marine scientist says the sealion may have just been playing. “Generally seals are more playful than anything. It might have been like a rag doll toy for the seal.” A rag doll toy filled with blood! And if you pull off this bit it screams! Talk about fun!

It’s just unfair. Why couldn’t it have been Britney? But no, it had to be a giant sea lion.

That’d be great TV! In fact, that gives me an idea for the new series of Big Brother… just when everyone’s all a little bit tipsy and showing off their pecs in the pool – RELEASE THE SEALIONS!

The family of the teen has signed a deal with “A Current Affair”. It’ll be part of their expose on “Teenagers with Tasty Heads” / “Aquatic Neighbours from Hell” / “Obese Sea Mammals Try the Miracle ‘Head’ Diet”.

The seal lion will also be appearing on “The Biggest Aquatic Head-Eating Mammal”. I don’t reckon it’ll win. I reckon the killer whale will kick its arse.

Doesn’t it know? Fish: good. Human head: bad.

The sealion broke the girl’s jaw and knocked out three of her teeth. Gee, the tooth fairy’s getting proactive these days, isn’t she? And I’m sure those flippers are new.

Oh no! The sealions are striking back for global warming!

This could be the thin edge of the wedge! Sure, it’s just a seal chomping on a girls’ head now, but you wait for the vicious killer penguins and the flesh-eating krill!

The sea-lion has apologized, saying that he thought it was schoolies week. He was told that during schoolies week it was okay to grab a bit of teenage head.

APOLOGIES

Non-lying Kevin Rudd was going to appear on the show tonight, but he had to wash his hair. No, a dog ate his invitation. No, hang on, he had a really bad stomach bug. Signed Kevin Rudd’s Mum. (crumple up paper and hurl over shoulder)

The Queen was booked to appear on the show tonight, but had to plan an elaborate conspiracy to bump off that Middleton bitch.

Kate Middleton was going to be on the show tonight, but we decided she was just too common…

Karl Rove was going to the on the show tonight, but he lost the email…

The Loch Ness Monster was going to be on the show tonight, but we’re still not sure it really exists.

Stella McCartney was booked to come on the show tonight, but she was open a range of her designer clothing… at Bi-Lo. / NQR. / The Reject Shop.

A giant sea-lion was going to appear on the show tonight, but had to crush some innocent teenage girl’s head.

Afghanistan was going to come on the show tonight, but unfortunately is still caught up in some endless war on terror…

A free and democratic Iraq was going to come on the show tonight, but we couldn’t find it anywhere…

Ancient Cthulhu from Beyond the Veil of Sleep was going come on the show tonight, but is busy dancing to the inhuman Cult-songs of Azathoth in the Centre of the Universe. That, and he was getting his hair done.

The giant man-eating crocodile was booked to come on the show tonight, but totally had its hands full. Sorry, had its mouth full. Of hands.

Princess Diana was booked to come on the show tonight, but had to keep on pretending she was dead…

Our mighty ANZACs were going to appear on the show tonight, but they all got blown to bits in some war.

NEXT WEEK

Big Brother begins, so it’ll be safe to walk the streets at night again.

Big Brother begins – and who gives a shit?!

Big Brother returns. Great. One week back on air and already I’ve got to compete with Gretel.

Australian Youth Week ends. And moves out.

With Australian Youth Week ending, next week is Middle-Agers Week, followed by Pensioners’ Fortnight and the International Month of the Dead.

And lest we forget, this Wednesday is Whatsaname Day.

This Wednesday is Anzac Day of course; lest we forget. Or was that last week?

Anzac Day will be held twice, once for Kevin Rudd and once for everyone else.

Sly Stallone will come to court for smuggling anti-aging hormones into Australia. He’s actually 109.

Without those anti-aging hormones the latest Rocky film would have featured Rocky in a life-or-death battle with the Russian bingo champion.

And The Sideshow will have lasted a whole week on air!

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