The Sideshow Ep. 3: monologue material

A senior union leader has described John Howard as “a skidmark on the bedsheet of Australian politics.” So Aussie politics is a bedsheet. No wonder it sends me to sleep.

But these days Howard isn’t just any ordinary skidmark – he’s a nuclear skidmark. Be very afraid.

A senior union leader has described John Howard as “a skidmark on the bedsheet of Australian politics.” Which says less about Mr Howard, and more about the particular union leader’s lack of toilet paper… / nocturnal emissions…

A senior union leader has described John Howard as “a skidmark on the bedsheet of Australian politics.” Apparently Howard’s a skidmark, Kevin Rudd is a wet patch, and Bob Brown is a particularly persistent cockroach.

A senior union leader has described John Howard as “a skidmark on the bedsheet of Australian politics.” Aussie politics is a bedsheet – and Howard makes us sleep on the wet patch. / and we’ve been short-sheeted for ten years!

A senior union leader has described John Howard as “a skidmark on the bedsheet of Australian politics.” He’s also “a gravy stain on the napkin of small business”, and “a crusty smear of bogeys on the sleeve of life”.

J Howard is a skidmark, while K Rudd is just krudd.

“Skidmark” is perhaps a bit generous for a lying warmongering environmental terrorist who’s shoved this country backwards 50 years! He’s not a skidmark – he’s an entire steaming log!

Sadly for the Libs, he’s still their most popular politician… Especially among the coprophiles.

The union boss said Howard was a skidmark on the bedsheet of Australian politics, and that now it all needed washing –the doona of democracy, the pillows of freedom, even the rubber undersheet of Federation.

A senior union leader has described John Howard as “a skidmark on the bedsheet of Australian politics.” And what’s worse, he’s not even sure whose skidmark.

A senior union leader has described John Howard as “a skidmark on the bedsheet of Australian politics.” That’s the last time he lets Menzies sleep in his bed.

***

The European Space Agency has announced a competition: come up with a list of songs to entertain the astronauts on the International Space Station, and the winner’s playlist will be downloaded onto an MP3 player & sent to the Space Station later this year. The astronauts have requested that they have at least one song by the Space Girls. (See – it’s like Spice Girls.)

One of the 80’s favourites for the astronauts comes from Lionel Ritchie – there aren’t many places you can be “Dancing on the Ceiling” for real

Anything by Michael Jackson will be suitable – those astronauts love a good moonwalk…

The astronauts were originally going to just stream their own favourite songs online. Unfortunately, in space, no-one can hear you stream.

Initial tests of MP3 players in space were not too successful… “Open the iPod bay doors HAL…”

It’s actually a competition for children. So the astronauts are going to have to put up with 32 hours of Wiggles, Hi-5 and Britney Spears songs…

And for when they’re feeling homesick, there’s the classic Creedence track “Bad Earth Rising”, the perrenial favourite “Blue Earth”, the Police’s “Walking on the Earth,” and Pink Floyd’s entire album, “Dark Side of the Earth”.

And for when they’re feeling homesick, there’s Bowie’s “Is there life on Earth?”, “Earth Oddity”, “There’s an Earth Man Waiting on the Earth”, and his classic albums “Space Station to Space Station”, and “The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Earthdust and the Spiders From Earth”.

The European Space Agency has announced other competitions will be carried out later in the year, with people coming up with a list of movies astronauts should be forced to watch, food they should eat, and different kinds of chemicals to be dripped into their eyes. They want to take full advantage of the little lab rats while they’ve got ’em.

***

A scientist at Ohio State University has found that being stupid is no bar to being rich, finding that IQ bears no relationship to wealth. Finally, Eddie McGuire makes sense!

“Your IQ has really no relationship to your wealth.” And that’s how Scientology works!

The scientist came up with the idea after being continually picked on in bars. “Oh yeah, if you’re so smart, how come you’re not rich!”

If that scientist had’ve been really smart he would’ve come up with a way to use that information to get rich!

So kids, you heard the man – drop out and make your fortune today!

Of course being stupid is also no barrier to being leader of the free world.

“When it came to total wealth & the likelihood of financial difficulties, the people of below average & average intelligence did just fine when compared to the super intelligent.” So why aren’t all the big brother contestants all rich?

“When it came to total wealth & the likelihood of financial difficulties, the people of below average & average intelligence did just fine when compared to the super intelligent.” Although, the results have been skewed by all those dumbwits who win reality TV shows…

The proof of his pudding is Paris Hilton. In fact, footage of Paris proving his pudding can now be watched on YouTube…

Dumb people can be just as rich as smart people. They don’t need to spend all that money on book-readin’s.

Of course, smart people have just as much potential to do whatever it takes to get rich as dumb people do, but they’re often held back by annoying scruples. So maybe they’re not so smart after all…

***

The French Education Ministry has authorised Lyons University to offer an official degree in how to be a clown. Subjects include “Honking for Beginners”, “Advanced Honking”, and “Astrophysics, Quantum Mechanics, and Just a Little Bit of Honking”.

Subjects include “Gastrophysics” – that’s how to throw a cream pie – “Micromobility Studies” – that’s how to fit in a tiny little car with heaps of other clowns – and “Monocircular Audiophonic Macropedalism” – that’s how to ride a unicycle with really big squeaky shoes on.

The only course where you can major in “Piethrowology”…

This follows from their Advanced Mime Certificate, and the very popular Bachelor of Breadsticks. / Bachelor of Berets / Bachelor of Brie / Master of Moustache-Twirling / Advanced Diploma of Going “Hohh-hohh!” (universal French noise)

Next year they’re trying to introduce a course on being a cheese-eating surrender monkey.

The French have an official clown degree. Isn’t that like Australia having a recognized course for being a drunken bogan? Or England having a graduate diploma of repressed sexuality? Or America offering a course in being a loud-mouthed redneck with a gun?

***

A former AFL champion reckons clubs should use “undercover operatives” to spy on their players
as a way to keep them under control. Unfortunately, they’ll have to be disguised as the football.

It’ll be easy. They can just disguise themselves as drug-dealers…

I would’ve thought, if you’re going to go to the effort of hiring spies, it might be more effective to use them on your opponents.

So they should hire gumshoes. Or maybe they’re more “chewie-boots”.

They’d better watch that with gumshoes around that they don’t end up with chewie on their boots.

This is nothing new, I’m sure last time I was at the footy there was a guy going around trying to expose “Hot Spies!”

Brad Hardie said that they needed spies that would go straight to the source – or was it “pies that would go great with some sauce”?

Of course it’s not that easy to get spies into footy changing rooms. And the trenchcoat and fedora get in the way when you’re on the field.

“Who’s that guy in the trenchcoat and fedora?” “Oh, he’s our new ruck rover, Agent Smythe.”

Agent Double-0-Six Pointer!

Agent Double-0-One Goal One!

Unfortunately for the undercover operatives, to be truly undetectable, they’ll need to be off their faces on drugs like everyone else.

Unfortunately an early attempt to infiltrate the Weagles was exposed when the agent asked for his ice “shaken not stirred”.

But how do you go “undercover” in a footy match? Dress up like a seagull? Get really skinny detectives to stand behind the goal-posts? Or one really fat green one to pretend he’s the MCG?

Brad Hardie says the West Coast Eagles could have avoided the whole Ben Cousins mess if they’d used informants. “If only we’d known earlier – we coulda made a bloody fortune selling him drugs!”

Ben Cousins’ problem is that he’s just in the wrong sport. He should be playing hockey, or figure-skating – there’s plenty of sports you can play on ice.

Hardie said, “They needed to get their hands dirty & go into areas they didn’t want to go in the past. Or if they don’t want to get their hands dirty, they can just use those latex gloves.” / use tongs.”

If the spies work out, perhaps clubs could consider recruiting military personnel. And tanks. Certainly gives you an on-field advantage.

In a counter-move, ASIO are have started recruiting footy stars, to help with on the ground intelligence and taking speccies. / handball. / terrorist scrum.

The whole thing’s ridiculous. I say let ‘em all be drugged to the eyeballs – it’d be a much better game with one guy peaking on ecstacy, one dude who thinks he’s a lampshade, one guy on the nod, and one player talking absolute shit non-stop for 6 hours, while they try to chase some oddly-shaped ball around an oval! Now that’s entertainment!

***

Publishers are lining up to sign David Hicks to a book deal after lawyers said he would be able to profit from telling his story. Now his only problem is how to make 5 years of solitary isolation interesting reading.

Certainly no-one else has profited from his ordeal – the war on terror still seems to be in full swing, bin Laden is still at large, and there’s no sign of any weapons of mass destruction…

But Philip Ruddock is committed to ensuring Hicks doesn’t cash in, even if it means using retrospective legislation. After all, that’s how they got him last time…

“Basically, we’ll pass as many laws as we can to ensure that he doesn’t talk before the election. It’s only fair!” Ruddock said, fumbling with his Amnesty badge.

This is the same sort of retrospective legislation that a couple of weeks ago it was important that we didn’t use. Our Government’s got more positions than a Delhi prostitute. / more positions than Paris Hilton in a Gravitron.

This is the same sort of retrospective legislation that a couple of weeks ago it was important that we didn’t use. Look out in future weeks for hanging to be reintroduced on a whim!

You know, Phillip Ruddock would be OK if he wasn’t a such a complete douchebag.

If he’s really going to cash in, David should publish a whole range of books aimed at every demographic. Some of the books he could write…

Sparky the Happy Electrode
David Hicks and the Chamber of Secrets
David Hicks and the Chamber of Torture
David Hicks and the World of Pain
David Hicks and the Prisoners of Guantanemo
The bin Laden Code
David Hicks: Master Spy!
I Will Never Be Caught – Oh, Damn.
Allah Akbar: I Really Am A Terrorist
The Infidels Must Be Destroyed
You Know, I Was Innocent Before, But, Well, Now I Really Wanna Blow You Guys Up

There’s books for the kiddies: “Mr Torturer is Naughty”, “Mr Torturer is Very Naughty”, and “Goodness, That’ll Leave a Permanent Scar”.

There’s books for people who love classics: “Born Free (then locked up for five years with no charges)”, “Prejudice and Prejudice” and “A Tale of Two Torturers”.

There’s a picture book modelled after the “Where’s Wally?” books, called “Where’s Justice?” I’ve had a go – I searched for hours and hours and hours, and couldn’t find it anywhere

APOLOGIES

Boy George was going to be on the show, but he was arrested for kidnapping & handcuffing a Norwegian male escort to his bedroom wall. Hang on – Boy George is gay?

Boy George was going to be on the show, but he was arrested for kidnapping & handcuffing a Norwegian male escort to his bedroom wall. He did send us a written message though: “Yes, I really wanted to hurt him. Yes, I really wanted to make him cry-yiy.”

Boy George can’t make it after being arrested for kidnapping & handcuffing a Norwegian male escort. It turns out he did really want to hurt us…

Boy George was going to be on the show tonight, but he didn’t want to come alone, and his escort was all tied up…

Boy George can’t make it tonight because he’s tied up with someone else. Against their will.

Julia Gillard would have been on the show, but she’s busy giving business leaders an injury. Oh, sorry, an apology.

Julia Gillard couldn’t make it tonight, she’s busy apologising to big business. And small business. And dog’s business, apparently. She can’t be too careful.

Julia Gillard had said she would come on the show tonight, but she now tells us it was just a “joke”…

Julia Gillard was going to be on the show tonight, but she’s hosting a last-minute business function called “Sorry Guys, Actually I Love You All, Honest I Do”.

Julia Gillard was going to appear on the show, but she thought maybe someone might get hurt…

Paul Keating was going to appear on the show, but he thinks it’s all tip and no iceberg.

Paul Keating was going to appear on the show, but he thinks it’s a “dessicated dead carcass of a show, a multimedia mangy maggot, hosted by a bunch of dim-witted scumbags”. Well, I say, like it or not, it’s the show we had to have…

Paul Keating was going to be on the show tonight, but his head got stuck in the door.

Paul Keating was going to be on the show tonight, but we think he said he couldn’t make it. To be frank we had difficulty understanding what he said.

Amanda Vanstone was booked to appear on the show, but she was in one of the greatest cities in the world, eating fine foods, drinking fine wines and chatting with handsome men. That Amanda – she’s always hard at work… / she’s all work, and no play.

Amanda Vanstone was booked to appear on the show, but she’s trying to work out how to use her new Mandarin skills in Rome.

Amanda Vanstone is sorry she can’t turn up to show us her taxpayer-funded Mandarin skills; she’s got to go to Rome. To learn Swahili.

Amanda Vanstone was booked to appear on the show, but she’s saving an African orphan… for dessert.

Snoop Dogg was going to appear on the show, but the Government wouldn’t let him in. So now he gon’ cap our ass! It’s on!

Snoop Dogg was going to appear on the show, but the Government wouldn’t let him in, claiming he was a violent criminal. We asked him what he thought of the allegations, and he said “Fo rizzl mah nizzl, beeyatch mofo aint no thang, he be dizzl fo rizzl, aaaaaaiiiiight?” Which means something like, “I fully understand and support your relevant entry legislation, and the decisions based thereon. I humbly withdraw.”

Snoop Dogg was going to appear on the show, but he had to spend 30 days locked in quarantine – it was either that, or put him to sleep.

Snoop Dogg was going to appear on the show, but the Government wouldn’t let him in, claiming he was a violent criminal. So he’s been put where violent criminals belong – back in the USA.

Snoop Dogg was going to appear on the show, but the Government wouldn’t let him in. We’d better watch out now for a night-time fly-by…

The Australian cricket team was booked to appear on the show, but they’re still celebrating after winning the World Cup – like we need another one.

The Prime Minister can’t make it tonight, he’s being soaked in a bucket of Napisan. / being washed out at the drycleaners.

The astronauts from the International Space Station were going to be on the show tonight, but they’re 220 miles away in orbit.

Aliens from the newly discovered Earth-like planet were going to be on the show, but our message is going to take at least another twenty years to get there. And then we have to wait at least twenty years for a reply. And the postage costs are horrendous.

NEXT WEEK

This week is the Logies – Australia’s night of glitz, tits and twits!

Steve Irwin will be inducted into the Logie Hall of Fame. If only he’d still been alive. Then someone who actually contributed to Australian TV might have been chosen.

Peter Costello will hand down his election year budget. He’s been warned that tax cuts might lead to further interest rate rises, so instead he’s going to offer an extra toy at Christmas time and two small Easter eggs.

Peter Costello will hand down his election year budget. He’s been warned that tax cuts might lead to further interest rate rises, so instead he’s just offering some loaves and some fishes, and is praying for a miracle…

Peter Costello will hand down his election year budget. It was going to come with tax cuts, but he had to downsize to papercuts.

Peter Costello will hand down his election year budget. He was going to go after Aboriginals, single mothers, the poor, the young, the old and the disabled, but they’ve already been covered. So now he’s going after the Jews.

It’ll be the 1st anniversary of the Beaconsfield Mine rescue! To celebrate, Brant and Todd are going to spend the day crouching under a rock. / spend the day crapping in each others’ hats.

It’ll be the 1st anniversary of the Beaconsfield Mine rescue! Back down they go…

Tony Blair will announce when he’s quitting – just after Bush does.

Tony Blair will announce when he’s retiring. With Bush due to go soon too, if John Howard gets re-elected he could end up as the Individual of the Willing. / Person of the Willing.

Prince Harry will get ready to go to Iraq. He’s already packed his travel-bong, his emergency travel-bong, and three suitcases of munchies.

Prince Harry will get ready to go to Iraq. He’s really excited – he’s heard that people still get stoned to death there, and he can’t wait! / and he hasn’t got that wasted since William’s 21st!

Prince Harry will get ready to go to Iraq; they’ve decided not to put him on the front lines so instead he’ll be in charge of the battalion’s crack corgi squad. And corgis on crack can be mean buggers.

Prince Harry will get ready to go to Iraq. He’ll be very useful, not only has he had plenty of experience in uniform, he even has experience in Nazi uniform.

Courtney Love will start selling off Kurt Cobain’s possessions. Apparently it’s 100,000 bucks just for a tiny little piece of his brain! / I’m going to bid on a piece of his brain.

Courtney Love will start selling off Kurt Cobain’s possessions. Except his drugs – she’ll keep those. She’s keeping them safe and sound in her bloodstream.

Courtney Love is going to sell off Kurt Cobain’s possessions. Fair enough, it’s just cluttering up parts of her house that could be used to keep drugs in.

Courtney Love will start selling off Kurt Cobain’s possessions. Well, she’s already sold off all his songs. Next up – parts of his body.

Courtney Love will start selling off Kurt Cobain’s possessions. Although she’s going to claim they were hers’ all along.

Courtney Love will start selling off Kurt Cobain’s possessions. So if you want to pay hundreds of thousands of dollars for a smelly flannel shirt, now’s your chance!

It’s been a year since our Beaconsfield Miners were rescued and returned to the surface. And, after a year of watching Dancing with the Stars, 20-1, Neighbours, The Biggest Loser, and Today Tonight, they reckon they’re about ready to go back… / they reckon being buried alive wasn’t so bad after all.

It’s the first anniversary of the Beaconsfield mine rescue. Brant and Todd, remember them? Wouldn’t be surprised if you didn’t. These days their public profile might as well be stuck down a mine…

It must be a bit galling to know that your great achievement in life was spending two weeks in total darkness crapping in your hat.

To celebrate the anniversary of the Beaconsfield mine rescue, they’re going to hold a huge party down the mine! Hope they’re careful where they pop the champagne cork…

And next week is the Logie Awards, the night when Australia’s television industry is judged by people who read magazine articles about soap characters. / who think characters in soap operas are real people.

This year’s Logies are to be hosted by Adam Hills, Dave Hughes and Fifi Box. Fifi Box? Isn’t that just where you store your Fifi? / It’s nice that they let poodles host awards nights these days…

Steve Irwin will be inducted into the Hall of Fame. He’s being inducted by Sting… / He’s having a speech read by Sting…

Steve Irwin will be inducted into the Hall of Fame. And crocodiles from around the country will shed a tear – but don’t be fooled. They’ll be crocodile tears.

We’ll be going for the bronze Logie for “Best Show TV Week Readers Have Never Heard Of”.

We’ll be going for the cardboard Logie for “Show Most Shown on Saturday Night at 7:30 on the ABC”. We’re in with a good chance…

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