The Sideshow Ep. 5: monologue material

A camera crew from the UK Ministry of Defence will follow Prince Harry around on his tour of duty in Iraq. It’s getting hard to escape those bloody paparazzi!

The footage of Harry will then be broadcast on TV & the ‘Net in a bid to counter terrorist propaganda. Reality TV – now that‘ll teach them terrorists a thing or two!

The first episode focuses on a red-eyed Prince Harry roaming around Iraq searching desperately for an all-night drive-thru.

A camera crew from the UK Ministry of Defence will follow Prince Harry around on his tour of duty in Iraq. They’re calling it “Operation: Human Shield.” / They’re calling it “Operation: Kill The Journos First.”

It’s bad enough that the Royals have to go to war, but do they have to do reality TV as well?

Harry’s one of the stars of “Survivor: Baghdad”. Contestants gradually get eliminated via SMS and roadside explosives.

If Harry gets evicted from the war reality show, someone else from his battalion becomes third in line for the throne.

Harry was originally going to be situated in relatively safe territory. But now that he’s on film, they’re looking for action! So any suicide bombings are now on Harry’s watch! And he’s only allowed to use his bare hands to defend himself.

Now that’s a brave camera crew. Not only will they be the direct target for scores of enemy combatants, but they’ll have to deal with Harry’s midnight munchie-attacks. / have to deal with Harry’s stoner paranoia.

Yeah, that’ll guarantee Harry’s safe from enemy fire. Won’t they just look for the soldier who’s got his own camera crew? Maybe they should disguise the cameras as rocket-launchers… and disguise Harry as a real soldier.

They’re still trying to come up with a name for the series. At this stage, it’s a toss-up between “Harry of Arabia” and “When Harry Met Sunni”…

The show’s going to be called “Prince of Persia”. According to sources, Harry is extremely keen to fight the evil Vizier Jaffar, and has big plans for when he rescues the beautiful Princess… / According to sources, Harry is already on level 3!

Apparently Harry keeps pushing in at the latrines, claiming he’s next in line for the throne.

Harry has been dead keen to go into the danger zones in Iraq. He’s heard that if you die there you get 72 virgins!

It is good that Harry’s able to get some war zone experience in Iraq. In fact it’s the best justification for the war yet!

A new version of “Sesame Street” is set to be made for Northern Ireland, inspired by the historic power-sharing deal between Catholics & Protestants. In the Sesame Street version, rather than Catholic versus Protestant, the muppets are divided over whether or not Snuffleupagus was real, or just in Big Bird’s imagination.

The U.S. producers agreed to the version with local accents & characters. New characters include Potato Monster, Oscar the Guinness, and Four-Leafed Grover.

(Sesame Street theme tune)
I.R.A.,
Blowing the Brits away…

There are new songs that go with the new characters: “A terrorist’s a person in your neighbourhood, in your neighbourhood, in your neighbourhood…” / “A terrorist’s blowing up your neighbourhood…”

“Today’s episode is brought to you by the letter I, the letter R and the letter A”…

There are new songs that go with the new characters: “C is for Catholic”, “Rubber Duckie Bullets” and the big singalong “We Will Secede From The UK And Establish Independent Catholic Rule Throughout The Irish Republic”.

In the new Irish version of the show, Cookie Monster is a Protestant, Grover is a Catholic, and Big Bird is a pint of Guinness.

The favourite new character with the kiddies is Bomb-Me-Elmo. He’s so cute! / Kidnap-Me-Elmo.

Cookie Monster was to be renamed Gerry Adams, but he wasn’t hairy enough.

Between 100,000 & 300,000 barrels per day of Iraq’s declared oil production over the past 4 years is unaccounted for and could have siphoned off through corruption or smuggling. Surely there wouldn’t be any corruption in Iraq?

That Saddam! He’s corrupting from beyond the grave

Between 100,000 & 300,000 barrels a day of Iraq’s declared oil production over the past 4 years is unaccounted for. And we think petrol sniffing is a problem over here!

Well, I’m not surprised… now that the AWB has been banned they’ve got to fund their kickbacks somehow!

Good to see corruption’s been stamped out now Saddam’s gone…

It’s great stealing petrol – the more you steal, the further you can escape to!

They actually need thousands of getaway cars just to smuggle the stuff out! But at least their fuel costs are covered.

300,000 barrels a day! Bit hard to stuff up your jumper.

Interestingly 300,000 soldiers have gone missing too.

Using an average of $50 a barrel, the discrepancy is valued at $15 million a day. Which is close to what we have to pay over here.

And if anyone knows where I can buy any of the siphoned off oil, please let me know, my 4WD is getting expensive to run.

According to a new ruling, bald men in Germany have no right to state-funded wigs. A man had appealed to have his hairpiece paid for by a state health insurer,
but the insurer refused toupee!

The poor man was so sad, he bald and bald and bald…

The insurer said it only provided “long-term hair replacement support” for women & minors. The man immediately applied for a state-funded sex-change operation.

German-made wigs are comfortable but they do tend to slip… (mime Hitler hair slipping down)

The court found, “the hair’s protective function against the sun & the cold can easily be replaced by a hat.” In addition, the court ruled that a hat also “makes you look less like a loser.”

The man required a new wig to replace one he had lost several weeks earlier. Police were unable to find it, despite combing the area…

The man said he wanted a toupee, not a wig. The court said he was just splitting hairs…

But if hairpiece wearers are going to be forced by government funding regulations to wear hats, are we going to be able to tell the difference between Bert Newton and Molly Meldrum?

APOLOGIES

APOLOGIES: SHOW 5
Prince Harry was going to be on the show tonight, but he said he’d rather be stuck in a war-zone surrounded by cameramen. That’s right, he’s signed up for “Big Brother”.

Prince Harry was booked for the show tonight, but when he realized we didn’t have any drunken girls to grope, illicit drugs to smoke, or Iraqis to shoot, he turned us down.

Prince Harry was going to be on the show tonight, but he said he’d rather be stuck in a deadly war-zone. But The Sideshow’s a lot like a war-zone: you never know what’s coming next, there’s things flying at you from all directions, and half our jokes die.

Robert Mugabe is sorry he can’t be on the show… no, actually, Robert Mugabe isn’t sorry about anything.

Robert Mugabe was going to be on the show tonight but Mr Howard says we’re not allowed to talk to him.

Robert Mugabe was going to be on the show tonight, but we don’t like him very much.

Robert Mugabe was going to be on the show tonight, but he decided he’d rather just sit back and continue plunging his country into total ruin.

Robert Mugabe refused to appear on the show tonight – he’s afraid it might be used as a propaganda tool by John Howard’s brutal regime…

Pope Benedict was planning to come tonight, but he only does that to procreate.

Lleyton Hewitt is sorry he can’t be on the show. He blamed a bad line call.

Lleyton Hewitt can’t be on the show, he’s got to get his “C’mon!” hand recalibrated.

Lleyton Hewitt is sorry he can’t be on the show, but he’s got a stupid wife, a stupid name and a stupid habit of screaming “C’mon!” to himself.

Lleyton Hewitt can’t be on the show, his “C’mon!” hand is unhappy with his performance and is starting to take over his personality. (sock puppet) “C’mon Lleyton! It’s time to kill again! Start with Rafael Nadal, then Andre Aggassi… soon we will be number one once more!”

The latest “Big Brother” evictees were going to come on the show tonight, but we already had enough clueless bogans.

Tony Blair was going to appear on the show, but he’s not very funny.

Tony Blair offered his apologies… for pretty much everything.

Tony Blair was going to be on the show, but he slipped out the back door muttering something about “don’t mention the war…”

Mufti Sheik al Hilaly was going to be on the show tonight, but since he pledged to be like Uluru, he’s been busy posing for postcards and being trampled over by British backpackers.

Mufti al-Hilali will be “as strong as Uluru”. That’s the Muslim Uluru.

Mufti al-Hilali will be “as strong as Uluru”. And twice as smart.

Mel Gibson was going to be on the show tonight, but his car-battery was drained by the Jewish Conspiracy.

Mel Gibson was going to be on the show tonight, but he’d already been booked for the “Lying Drunken Nazi Show”.

John Howard was going to be on the show tonight, but he’s hiding under his bed until Reconciliation Week is over…/ until National Sorry Day is well and truly over…

Bob Woolmer couldn’t be here tonight, due to entirely natural causes and certainly not any poisoning or strangulation as we initially thought. Nothing to see here, please go about your business in an orderly fashion.

Former Pakistan cricket coach Bob Woolmer couldn’t be here tonight. Apparently natural causes poisoned his coffee before strangling him to death.

NEXT WEEK

Next week sees the RSPCA Million Paws Walk. This is when all the happy, healthy dogs are given a great big walkie, while the sad, neglected ones are kept locked away behind bars before they get killed. Fun for the whole family!

The Million Paws Walk around Australia for the RSPCA. They’re hoping to prove that Australia has so many dogs that they can afford to gas all the ones they’ve got in their shelters. It really is the most humane thing to do. And the cheapest.

Reconciliation Week and National Sorry Day are this week. John Howard is expected to find something else to talk about.

John Howard will be so worried about keeping his seat in Bennelong that he might actually go there…

John Howard will continue to fight hard for his seat of Bennelong, and will get assistance from people around the country who are afraid of Peter Costello becoming PM.

Maxine McKew’s opinion poll lead over John Howard in Bennelong will be pegged back after the PM reveals that she’s a queue-jumping boatperson with links to al Qaeda and a secret stockpile of chemical weapons.

It’s 7 months till Christmas, so Christmas sales ought to be starting next week…

And let us be the first to say it: it’s only seven months til Xmas! It’s pretty much already the end of the year! Soon it’ll be 2012 and IT ‘LL ALL BE OVER!

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