The Sideshow Ep. 6: monologue material

The govt. has dropped all mentions of the term “WorkChoices” in its literature & advertising. They are now using the more “voter friendly” term:
Coalition of the Working
Enforced Happiness
FluffyChoices
HappyFunChoices
Work Liberation
Democratic Freedom Choices
VoteLiberal
AllrightWeAdmitItYouHaveNoChoices

They dropped the original term when they realised it was a blatant lie.

Their total spend on ads in the lead up to the election is likely to top $140 million. So there goes that “surplus” they’ve been banging on about…

Their total spend on ads in the lead up to the election is likely to top $140 million. So they’ve had to cut back on education and health again…

Their total spend on ads in the lead up to the election is likely to top $140 million. Whatever happened to the good old days, where it was enough to have one old guy walking the streets with “Vote Liberal” written on a sandwich-board?

The polls have been so bad that Howard may be forced to engineer a terrorist attack to win the election. And if that fails he may even have to ratify Kyoto. / apologise to Aborigines.

The polls have been so bad that Howard may be forced to engineer a terrorist attack to win the election. He’s already been on the phone to Hicksy… “Er, you know we’ve got a World Trade Centre too…”

So we’re forking out $5 million to tell ourselves that the slogan we paid $50 million to tell ourselves about last time is now wrong. Seems maybe a refund is in order…

They figure they might as well spend it while they got it…

The Libs have got to spend all they can on advertising prior to the election. After all, they can’t leave Rudd with a surplus

A study by the University of Western Sydney says the term “backpacker” should be dumped because it denigrates all young tourists as heavy-drinking freeloaders, when it only really applies to English tourists. / tourists from New Zealand.

Instead, people should be more carefully described by the types of travel they’re undertaking – from “grey nomads” in their caravans, to laptop-toting “flashpackers” who prefer upmarket accommodation. Others include:
Sack-packer – male tourists whose shorts are way too tight…
Back-cracker – tourists whose backpacks are bigger than they are…
Back-knacker – tourist who’s just really exhausted…
Becks-pecker – tourist who gets drunk on imported beer and acts like a dick…
Flacco-packer- people who just can’t have a good time unless Flacco’s stuffed into their suitcases…
Hash-Slackers / High flyers – whatever country they’re in, they’re just getting high …
Bus slut – people who can’t go anywhere without 20 strangers to spoil the experience
Photogronerd – their holiday’s never really experience until it’s a screensaver
Cinematourgrapher – they only get to experience their holiday once they’re home and watching it all on DVD…
Bunny hoppers – Scandanavian ski instructors
Packaged Tourists
Cruise Boozers

APOLOGIES

David Hicks was going to appear on the show tonight, but he only does interviews if there’s electrodes involved.

David Hicks was going to appear on the show tonight, but we have to hold him backstage for 5 years first…

David Hicks was going to appear on the show tonight, but he’s having a party in solitary confinement…

David Hicks was going to appear on the show tonight, but he’s enjoying the relative luxury of solitary confinement…

David Hicks was going to appear on the show tonight, but he’s busy soaking in the joys of being in maximum security in his home country. Ahhh.

David Hicks was going to appear on the show tonight, but there’s a media blackout and apparently even “The Sideshow” is considered media.

We wanted David Hicks to appear on the show tonight but we haven’t had the Federal Election yet.

Hugh Jackman and Nicole Kidman were going to be on the show tonight, but filming has already started for their latest film “Australia”, all about the 1942 aerial assault of Darwin. Hopefully it doesn’t bomb…

Hugh Jackman and Nicole Kidman can’t make it tonight – unfortunately they’ve been trapped in the bombing of Darwin.

Nicole Kidman was going to be on the show tonight, but she’s busy working on Baz Luhrman’s new film “Australia”. She plays the title role – and rumour has it, she’s got a great map of Tasmania…

Hugh Jackman and Nicole Kidman were going to be on the show tonight, but a new ABC policy stated that their names were too biased. We can only have them on the show when they change their names to Hugh Jackperson and Nicole Kidperson.

Eddie McGuire was going to be on the show tonight, but he was busy being boned. Cos there’s nothing nicer than McGuire fillets.

Eddie McGuire was going to be on the show tonight, but since his demotion, he’s been busy mopping out the toilets.

Keith Richards was going to be on the show tonight, but he busy trying to convince people he’s actually related to Johnny Depp.

Keith Richards was going to be on the show tonight, but he was being embalmed again.

Keith Richards was going to be on the show tonight, but he kept trying to bury his treasure in Claire Hooper.

Keith Richards was going to be on the show tonight, but he kept trying to smoke the puppets and crack onto the bearded ladies.

Prince Harry was going to be on the show tonight, but he’s being sent to Afghanistan. Coz there’s no chance he’d be killed by terrorists there.

Prince Harry was going to be on the show tonight, but he’s being sent to Afghanistan – the Queen’s keen to send him anywhere he’ll be kept away from girls and booze. / apparently it’s part of his rehab.

Prince Harry can’t be on the show tonight – he’s being deployed to the much safer Afghanistan after Iraqi terrorists threatened him with chlorine bombs. Though I thought death by inhaling was how he would’ve wanted to go.

WorkChoices can’t be on the show tonight, because they never really existed, did they…

We were going to have some backpackers on the show, but they got drunk backstage and tried to shag the hommus.

We invited some fruit flies on the show tonight, but they declined as proof of their free will.

Fruit flies were due to come on to discuss whether their free will invalidates destiny, but they got a bit frisky backstage and filled the fruit platter with maggots.

Alexander Downer and Condoleeza Rice were supposed to be on the show tonight, but they got a bit frisky backstage and filled the fruit platter with maggots.

The John Howard Forest was going to be here tonight, but sadly it’s already been logged.

NEXT WEEK

Australia’s “Do Not Call Register” will start operating. As it doesn’t apply to political calls, we should all expect a call from the government telling us how wonderful they are for implementing it.

So no more annoying calls from telemarketers! Now it’s all going to be done door-to-door…

So no more annoying calls from telemarketers! They’re doing it all by carrier pigeon now.

So no more annoying calls from telemarketers! Expect your email spam to soar…

So no more annoying calls from telemarketers! But they will be sending packs of ravenous wolves around.

So no more annoying calls from telemarketers! Now they’ll have to text you instead.

So no more annoying calls from telemarketers! But there will be a massive increase in voodoo-marketing.

The International Whaling Commission will meet to decide whether to overturn the moratorium on commercial whaling. Japan has been lobbying hard, especially “Tokyo Fried Whale”.

The International Whaling Commission will meet to decide whether to overturn the moratorium on commercial whaling. Japan has been lobbying hard – there’s only so much delicious science they can undertake.

The Miss Universe pageant is on again! This year, it’s looking good for Miss Vraagon from Cluster-station 6 in the tentacle-division, although Miss Xyghrex from the Veil Nebula of Cygnus looks like a shoe-in for the Evil Overlord section.

My tip is for Miss Quandrizan Beta. She has such beautiful fur.

The Miss Universe pageant is on again. This year, it’s open to people from other universes too!

The Miss Universe pageant is on again! It’s great to see all the Miss Galaxies together on one stage.

The Miss Universe pageant is on again. The winner will be in the running for Miss Plane of Existence!

Miss Universe is on this week. The winner will got on to Miss Multiverse against the best of the 23rd Dimension!

She’s doing a new series of “The Simple Life”, called “The Prison Life”. She plays a dimwitted heiress getting the crap beaten out of her in the exercise yard.

Paris Hilton will start preparing for life on the inside. She couldn’t survive without a mobile, so she’s been allowed to bring one in – as long as she only uses it to call herself.

Paris Hilton is preparing for time inside prison. And the prisoners are preparing themselves for time inside Paris…

Paris Hilton will start preparing for life on the inside. Her pet chihuahua Tinkerbell won’t fit in her overalls pocket, so she’s traded her in for a cockroach named Tinkerbug.

Just for her sake, they’ll be temporarily renaming H-Block – they’re changing it to “A-List”.

Alexander Downer will head to California to spend 3 days hanging out with his good friend, Condi Rice. It’s not about politics, just good, old-fashioned American hospitality. Perhaps they can swap fashion secrets! Though Condi’s tastes are a little masculine for Alex.

Alexander Downer will head to California to spend 3 days hanging out with his good friend, Condi Rice. It’s so she can install the satellite linkup into Downer’s brain. / so they can install the brainplugs. / so she can make sure the brainwashing is complete. /

It’s not about politics. It’s really more of a taxpayer-funded jaunt.

They’re both taking the opportunity to get a bit of r&r while they still have access to public funds.

Downer and Rice have a lot of common ground to talk about: invading countries illegally, slippery international diplomacy, and what they’re going to do when they’re unemployed next year.

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